I'm just wondering if anyone ever really feels done having kids. I felt complete after having Joe and Bel and didn't really think about having any more (we had two failed rounds of IVF before getting pg with Joe all by ourselves so I didn't know if Bel was possible and this one was a complete surprise, I didn't even hope or consider trying). Anyway, my mum died in February of uterine cancer and so before we got pg this time I had said that if we ever got pg again I would have a hysterectomy while my OB was in there doing my c/s. One of my mum's sisters got diagnosed with the same kind of cancer as mum just before mum died too, but she is ok now cause they caught it early. Anyway now that I have already talked about it with my OB and dh is super pleased about it since he really doesn't want more and I don't think he wants to go for the snip I have convinced myself that the only reason mum died is because she didn't go for a pap test for 10 years and they only caught her cancer when she was already super sick (her sister had never had a pap), so maybe I don't need to have a hysterectomy because I kind of want to leave us open to #4.
So do you think that as a species we are programmed to want to reproduce all the time? Will I ever feel done? Should I just have a hysetrectomy? Do you feel done? If you had some kind of permenant procedure done like that was it because you felt COMPLETELY done or just cause it made sense? Also if you had something permanent done do you definitely done now?
When I see another baby I still think Awww how cute. But honestly I dont think I want anymore. I dont want anymore kids to raise. Terrible two year olds etc. Im jealous of peoples older kids that are all potty trained.
Sometimes I think Im programmed to constantly want another but I think also the logical side has to come into feeling done sometimes. I know even if I wanted another one in the future, I feel done because financially, emotionally, etc. I dont think I could do more so I would force myself to be done so the kids I have now have the best me they can. I dont want to be stretched to thin.
I think there is some biological impulses that make us want more when were fertile, but if I take a step back I realize Im done because I cant do anymore. Does that make sense.
Lucy! I did not know you are having another!! congratulations! i also did not know about your mom - i'm really sorry to hear that.
i think you probably should consider the two issues a bit separately. it is probably true that you will be screened more closely for UC given your genetic history, and (god forbid) if anything were to turn up for you, it would probably be caught earlier than it was for your mom. Also, it seems that it develops a bit later in your family - so maybe you have time to make this choice? I understand not wanting another surgery though, and the c-section does seem like a practical time to do it.
as for another kid - i think that the feeling of "being done" comes and goes. some days (even years) i'm TOTALLY done, and then i'll go through periods where i really do want another. usually this passes, as i can really see both sides of the coin.
sorry you are struggling with this - i wish there were clear cut answers! have you discussed it with your doctor? maybe knowing more about your risk and prevention, aggressive screening, etc, can help you make your choice?
I wanted 4 kids - I don't know why, that is just what I pictured myself having.
Kate was number 3. All 3 of my kids were CS so it would have been so super easy to tie my tubes while the doc was in there getting her out. I just couldn't do it. I gave myself until Kate was 3 to decide on the 4th one.
She turned 4 in August.
I feel so completely, totally, absolutely done. My family is complete at 3.
I see people with babies and I'm not softened at all. I don't even really want to hold them. They are cute and I wish the parents luck but I am not even remotely jealous or envious or desirous of another child. When I see them I see sleepless nights, poop, diapers, puke, bleeding nipples (although breastfeeding is the only thing I truly miss), bottles, diaper bags, strollers.
I have not yet done anything permanent. My husband will not get the snip either. So at this point, we're just using protection.
So, having said all that - if I were in your shoes I would not do something permanent - the "done" feeling is just such a solid feeling in my soul - and you don't have that.
As far as your risks of cancer - if you are vigilent with your annual exams your chances of catching the cancer early obviously are high.
When I see another baby I still think Awww how cute. But honestly I dont think I want anymore. I dont want anymore kids to raise. Terrible two year olds etc. Im jealous of peoples older kids that are all potty trained.
Sometimes I think Im programmed to constantly want another but I think also the logical side has to come into feeling done sometimes. I know even if I wanted another one in the future, I feel done because financially, emotionally, etc. I dont think I could do more so I would force myself to be done so the kids I have now have the best me they can. I dont want to be stretched to thin.
I think there is some biological impulses that make us want more when were fertile, but if I take a step back I realize Im done because I cant do anymore. Does that make sense.
i definitely feel done. i definitely have that "awww" moment around cute babies, but the idea of bringing another baby into this house? no thanks.
i hope you can find some peace soon, lucy.
Ditto this.
I had my tubes tied when Evie was born and I have never regretted it for a second. If she had been an easier baby/toddler, or if I had easier pregnancies, then I might have wondered what if, but things as they are, I don't have an inkling of regret.
My good friend has a 3 month old who I love snuggling with - but then when she starts fussing, I can hand her back to her mom. When she vents about how high needs the baby is, I definitely empathize, but I also think "Thank goodness I don't have to go through that ever again!"
I'm so sorry about your mom and that you are struggling with this. What did your OB say? A hysterectomy seems so extreme, and can always be done later on if/when you are sure.
I had my tubes tied the day after my Evie was born. It was supposed to happen after Lance, but someone screwed up the paperwork (tG, because I would not trade this stubborn littlest princess for anything in the wide world! ).
I think any kind of permanent procedure needs to be only if you're totally, 110% sure on every front that you're done, not only right now, but 5 years, 10 years, whatever, down the road (or if the medical reasons outweigh any other considerations, of course).
I'm done *for now* but with the kids getting older, I can totally see (finances/practicality permitting) adopting a 4th about five years from now. So it's not like there are zero options if you do change your mind later, but it's not a choice to rush into...it's always still on the table for later, you know?
Just my .02.
-- Edited by Sunshine on Friday 14th of October 2011 07:25:03 PM
When I see another baby I still think Awww how cute. But honestly I dont think I want anymore. I dont want anymore kids to raise. Terrible two year olds etc. Im jealous of peoples older kids that are all potty trained.
Sometimes I think Im programmed to constantly want another but I think also the logical side has to come into feeling done sometimes. I know even if I wanted another one in the future, I feel done because financially, emotionally, etc. I dont think I could do more so I would force myself to be done so the kids I have now have the best me they can. I dont want to be stretched to thin.
I think there is some biological impulses that make us want more when were fertile, but if I take a step back I realize Im done because I cant do anymore. Does that make sense.
See I actually am not that keen on other people's kids. I'm not really the cooing over babies type, but I love my own kids. I love their little personalities and the possibilities of everything they might be and seeing them grow and change into individuals with likes and dislikes.
I absolutely understand the being stretched too thin worries, I used to have so much anxiety over having Bel, but now cannot imagine our family without her and everything she brings.
I just keep thinking what if we had #4 and I still didn't feel done, then #5 and so on still not feeling done. Maybe my need for #4 is just the same crazy biology that might make me want #8 :). If I was certain that it was just biological and that it would go away I would absolutely go for it, since I already feel stretched and really it just wouldn't be sensible for me to have more.
Lucy! I did not know you are having another!! congratulations! i also did not know about your mom - i'm really sorry to hear that.
i think you probably should consider the two issues a bit separately. it is probably true that you will be screened more closely for UC given your genetic history, and (god forbid) if anything were to turn up for you, it would probably be caught earlier than it was for your mom. Also, it seems that it develops a bit later in your family - so maybe you have time to make this choice? I understand not wanting another surgery though, and the c-section does seem like a practical time to do it.
as for another kid - i think that the feeling of "being done" comes and goes. some days (even years) i'm TOTALLY done, and then i'll go through periods where i really do want another. usually this passes, as i can really see both sides of the coin.
sorry you are struggling with this - i wish there were clear cut answers! have you discussed it with your doctor? maybe knowing more about your risk and prevention, aggressive screening, etc, can help you make your choice?
Thanks.
And yes I guess I do need to talk to him more, I just feel like right now I go round and round in my head on the pros and cons and end up getting nowhere. I guess I just want a guarantee that I won't feel regret after.
I wanted 4 kids - I don't know why, that is just what I pictured myself having.
Kate was number 3. All 3 of my kids were CS so it would have been so super easy to tie my tubes while the doc was in there getting her out. I just couldn't do it. I gave myself until Kate was 3 to decide on the 4th one.
She turned 4 in August.
I feel so completely, totally, absolutely done. My family is complete at 3.
I see people with babies and I'm not softened at all. I don't even really want to hold them. They are cute and I wish the parents luck but I am not even remotely jealous or envious or desirous of another child. When I see them I see sleepless nights, poop, diapers, puke, bleeding nipples (although breastfeeding is the only thing I truly miss), bottles, diaper bags, strollers.
I have not yet done anything permanent. My husband will not get the snip either. So at this point, we're just using protection.
So, having said all that - if I were in your shoes I would not do something permanent - the "done" feeling is just such a solid feeling in my soul - and you don't have that.
As far as your risks of cancer - if you are vigilent with your annual exams your chances of catching the cancer early obviously are high.
Good luck with your decision
I always wanted 5 or at the very least an odd number (I am one of two and always felt I was missing out on something). I think the idea of giving myself a deadline to make the decision is good but I'm afraid I would never get around to doing it. I am very good about going for exams every 6 months, and this is another reason I'm having doubts about having a hysterectomy. :sigh
i definitely feel done. i definitely have that "awww" moment around cute babies, but the idea of bringing another baby into this house? no thanks.
i hope you can find some peace soon, lucy.
Ditto this.
I had my tubes tied when Evie was born and I have never regretted it for a second. If she had been an easier baby/toddler, or if I had easier pregnancies, then I might have wondered what if, but things as they are, I don't have an inkling of regret.
My good friend has a 3 month old who I love snuggling with - but then when she starts fussing, I can hand her back to her mom. When she vents about how high needs the baby is, I definitely empathize, but I also think "Thank goodness I don't have to go through that ever again!"
I'm so sorry about your mom and that you are struggling with this. What did your OB say? A hysterectomy seems so extreme, and can always be done later on if/when you are sure.
Re the red, I mentioned it at my first appt with this pregnancy and he said that it would be a perfect time to do it. And his tone kind of implied that it was a no brainer when you consider timing and family history. In one sense I agree with him but on the other hand I want to be 100% sure that I am done having kids - I'm a big believer in fate when it come to having kids (since science didn't help us at all), if I'm meant to have more then it will happen. But having a hysterectomy would take that away.
I had my tubes tied the day after my Evie was born. It was supposed to happen after Lance, but someone screwed up the paperwork (tG, because I would not trade this stubborn littlest princess for anything in the wide world! ).
I think any kind of permanent procedure needs to be only if you're totally, 110% sure on every front that you're done, not only right now, but 5 years, 10 years, whatever, down the road (or if the medical reasons outweigh any other considerations, of course).
I'm done *for now* but with the kids getting older, I can totally see (finances/practicality permitting) adopting a 4th about five years from now. So it's not like there are zero options if you do change your mind later, but it's not a choice to rush into...it's always still on the table for later, you know?
Just my .02.
-- Edited by Sunshine on Friday 14th of October 2011 07:25:03 PM
I think impatience is another of my problems, I hate dilemma-ing over a decision. I just want to be decided already.
I am done. Sometimes I feel bad that Dominic will be an only child but he gets so much 1 on 1 attention from us. Financially and mentally I just couldn't do it. I am satisfied with 1. I have never been a "oh a baby" person so it really doesn't bother me when I see them. I am happy with just Dominic, plus he is equivelent to 3 children!
I haven't had any desire for another since Brittany was born. I don't get baby fever around babies or anything. I enjoy other people's babies, but they don't get me thinking about another at all. It almost never occurs to me to have another since Brittany was born. I think I may have thought about it 2 or 3 times, but not seriously at all. The intense desire for more children has completely disappeared. It's wonderful!
I have felt completely done for 6 years. I don't even get the awww moment anymore. I just think TG that's not me. LOL. I've always felt that if you're on the fence then you're not done.
I agree with Kelly that you have to consider both subjects separately. I'm not too familiar with uterine cancer because there is testing for it and I agree about your mom not going in for 10 years didn't help matters. I do know that if I had a close relative who had breast or ovarian cancer I would definitely consider removing whatever needed to be removed in order for my chances of survival to increase. At this point I have 3 kids and I'm kind of essential to their survival and I want to be around for everything.
I feel totally and completely done. After my second, I didn't feel that way at all. Yes, I still love babies, but there's no way I'd want to start all over again.
I don't feel done, even though we might be. But I wonder about this same thing. When I talk about wanting a 4th, Bill says the same thing to me, that I will say I just want one more until we have 8. IDK. We are on the fence right now, but I know Bill leans more towards being done. I always wanted 4, and I know if we ended up having one, I would get my tubes tied during the c/s, because even if I still felt the urge for more, I am just getting too old.
If we don't have another in the next couple of years, I will probably have something done or Bill will. But I will wait until I am 40, I think. It is such a hard decision. Yours is even harder! I would say don't do anything permanent unless you are 100% certain.
My grandmother spent her last months with us and she said she never regretted anything she did in her life, but she did regret the things she hadn't done. specifically that my mom was an only child. I don't want to feel that way. Of course, Bill is part of this too, so if he feels done and really doesn't want more, I have to respect that. But *I* won't do anything permanent if I am not positive it won't lead to regret later on.
There are days...those butt kicker days, KWIM, when Addy hasn't had a nap and C is all over the place and I think that adding a third would be the death of me....Then there are days when I see them snuggling in the recliner or playing Legos together and I think, man...a sweet little princess or a chubby cheeked little boy would be so sweet to have crawling in the floor with his/her older sibs..DH thinks that I want another one solely b/c friends of ours are expecting-- a friend of mine from HS just had her first last year and is 4 months along now with #2...etc...He's not closed to the idea of it but he, like my doctor, doesn't think its the smartest thing I could do..Health wise- probably not a good idea..I'm not in the greatest place healthwise..And there's school. DH is worried another baby would derail my plans...I like being home with the kids but I want something more for myself and he's afraid that if I had another baby and lost a semester for maternity leave, etc that I wouldn't want to go back..And he's probably right. We'll be moving in a little under 2 years to PA for seminary and I can't see moving pregnant or with a newborn...
That being said-- you never know what God has in store.
