I think the title of this thread could be our infertility mantra, since Ellerie, our "lucky 3%" baby (since the docs told us we only had a 3% chance of conceiving way back in our late twenties) is definitely the "you get what you need" part of the chorus. What we would have wanted for her right now, though, and what we can't seem to get, is siblings. She would like some. We would like some, or even one, frankly. We'd like to have this adventure over again, and to share it with her, too.
Sigh.
We have done nothing to prevent a pregnancy since roughly a year after Ellerie's birth, and given our history it is no surprise that we have not gotten pregnant, but it is a big bummer, nonetheless. We had this glimmer of hope that our 3+ year pre-Ellerie struggle was actually a blip on the radar, and that whatever had ailed us had resolved once I got pregnant, but this doesn't seem to be the case.
We aren't changing course right now, as we don't really have the finances (or the overall resources) to pursue infertility treatment. That said, it is really starting to nag at me that I'm staring down my 38th birthday this November, and one kid seems to be our final tally. I'd be ecstatic if we had another, really, but...there is a flip side to this feeling. I can't figure out if I really WANT to go back to baby care, WANT to go through the infant stage, etc. Do I want another child, or do I want THE IDEA of another child? Having a six-year old---just one six-year old---to care for is plenty of work, but it also has a delightful amount of amusement and adventure, too, the kind you don't have when you are dealing with diapers and "I know you want something but I'm sorry I can't understand your moaning, pointing, and flailing. I'm trying, I'm really trying!"
Double sigh.
It feels so childish and limbic to think that I may just want something that I don't have SIMPLY because I can't have it. My gut tells me that, if I found out I was pregnant, I would literally leap for joy (and I have bad ankles, so that's saying something!), so I don't want to think that it is simply this rebellious streak in me, but I wonder if I am not just happier with our sweet family of three. Do I really want another, or do I want the idea of being able to have another? Zoinks.
I'd love to get others' thoughts on this. I seem to go back and forth, back and forth, etc. I honestly don't know what you fertile couples do if you can't decide, because if we could actually get pregnant easily then found ourselves conflicted...well, that must be a whole other mess. :)
Given the nature of our diagnosis, I don't know that resolving my thoughts either way will change the outcome (i.e., the number of kids in our family), but I think I'm going to have to approach handling it/grieving it differently if I keep thinking that I need another baby. It will be emotional work for me either way, but would love some outside perspective.
I struggle with this, too. Although our perspectives are markedly different - we are fertility opposites, I suppose. (Or at least were. I'm staring 39 in the face. It's probably a different story now.)
From a practical standpoint, I *know* I should be done. I've got two lovely and healthy girls, and we're finally starting to feel like a family of four. (As opposed to 3 plus a baby, if that makes sense.) We're getting a groove. We can DO things. I'm feeling like I'm getting my life back. My *me* back. And I've missed her.
Yet still, I'm unsettled. About 90% of the time, I can get my brain around this. But the other 10%, I will confess to a longing. A longing I wish would go away with more resolve.
I talked it over with a friend of mine, and she pointed out that biologically, we are programmed to feel this way. According to our DNA, it is OUR responsibility - and OURS alone - to carry on the human race. And she pointed out that we should probably have a better reason for having another baby, other than purely due to biological urge.
And so for the most part, I blame that for the remaining 10%. That, and an intense disdain for the notion that some part of my life is "over". I'm not good with absolutes in ANY sense. And the idea that I will *never* have another child is inherently distasteful for that reason alone. When I was pregnant with Victoria, I was still under the impression that 3 was the magic number. So I didn't celebrate that pregnancy in the way I think I would've if I would've known that was IT. I find myself wanting a do-over... but surely that's not enough of a reason to have another baby, is it?
At the end of the day, I think the decision to not have any more will be driven by fear. Fear of somehow messing up this good thing we have. I don't know how healthy it is. But it's really all I've got that's making any sense of a "decision" stick.
I think this is so hard. Doubly hard for you. Whatever the cards are supposed to hold for you, I'll be praying that you find peace with it.
I kind of relate at times; I had my tubes tied the day after Evie was born and I regret it. Not that I really think we need another child, but I resent the option not being there, if that makes sense?
It's like, there's so much about the baby stage (and pregnancy) that I miss, but the logical part of me says that it would be a very stressful situation for us at this point in our lives and that our family is complete, at least for the foreseeable future. The nurturer part of me still feels that pull though, especially when one of my friends from high school or college posts a slew of adorable sweet baby pics or whatever else. But life is easier now that Evie's 2.5 and Lance is going to start preschool soon...I don't miss the sleepless nights or Lance's colic, or the cost of formula, etc.
The difference is that I did this to myself. So now I get to kick myself about it. Except I don't, most of the time. I just miss the option.
I think it's always hard, that "Am I done, whether or not I want to be? Do I really WANT this?" point.
I am sorry for your fertility struggles. :( It's such a deep ache when you want to add to your family and it doesn't happen.
I can't really say that I have the same situation as you, but I can say I can relate to much of what you wrote. I am high risk and have trouble staying pregnant and difficulty all the way through until the baby is born. Some have it much worse, but the anguish it has caused us put an end to me ever becoming pregnant again. At this stage of the game I am much older than I would want to be anyway. We came close to adopting, but when it didn't work out it was too much like the pregnancy roller coaster. So for me/us, the emotional risk became greater.
I agree with Michelle about the finality of it. I also understand the wanting the do-over because I have never had a "fun" pregnancy or one where I could be care free and frankly there would be no way to change that but it is something I really wished for. I am one of those people that actually adore babies, so I think that has added to the sting.
With all that being said, there is something freeing about this next stage of parenthood. There is more time to be myself again and with a little luck pee alone. As a family we can do so much more now and it is really fun to be able to interact doing things we all enjoy. Don't get me wrong. If someone dropped a baby in our laps I wouldn't say no, but we are not seeking it out.
I am just trying very hard to cherish every moment I have with Elizabeth. If I am thinking about what ifs and what might have been, I am cheating both of us. I think it is actually a good thing to be happy with the life you have and appreciate it, which it sounds like you do. I think for now, keep enjoying your family and until you come to a point when you feel strongly that it is no longer good for your family, keep going down the same road. It's okay to enjoy the life you have. That's the way it's suppose to be.
I got pregnant easily both times. The kids are great. I had easy pregnancies and recoveries (a little rough at the time of delivery but overall, a breeze).
I don't necessarily feel done but I am 38.
Mike REALLY wants another.
I'm not really for or against it. It seems like a lot of work (the baby goggles that make you forget how hard that all was have completely worn off). I have my career back on track, the kids are easy (as easy as it gets with a 4 going on 16 yr old girl).
It was all so easy that the idea of trying and not having it work (completely possible at 38) seems heartbreaking. And all the bad things that can happen when you are pregnant seems so overwhelming.
And overall, I don't feel like a great or a natural mom. Mike is a fantastic dad so I feel bad ripping him off and not trying for another.
And I feel like the tick tick ticking of that countdown clock is very overwhelming.
I wish someone else could just tell me what to do.
I feel for you, Kori. I know I can't understand all the stuff you've gone though but I truly hope you find peace (or it's opposite, a baby ;) ) quickly.
I'm so glad you are here posting. I adore your Ellerie posts and I'm glad to have you back in our world.
I kind of relate at times; I had my tubes tied the day after Evie was born and I regret it. Not that I really think we need another child, but I resent the option not being there, if that makes sense?
It's like, there's so much about the baby stage (and pregnancy) that I miss, but the logical part of me says that it would be a very stressful situation for us at this point in our lives and that our family is complete, at least for the foreseeable future. The nurturer part of me still feels that pull though, especially when one of my friends from high school or college posts a slew of adorable sweet baby pics or whatever else. But life is easier now that Evie's 2.5 and Lance is going to start preschool soon...I don't miss the sleepless nights or Lance's colic, or the cost of formula, etc.
The difference is that I did this to myself. So now I get to kick myself about it. Except I don't, most of the time. I just miss the option.
I think it's always hard, that "Am I done, whether or not I want to be? Do I really WANT this?" point.
I am sorry for your fertility struggles. :( It's such a deep ache when you want to add to your family and it doesn't happen.
DITTO to every single word. (and my baby is only 8 weeks old!!!)
This is all so reassuring---thank you, everyone. I think that I imagine that those who have had "all the kids that they planned" would have that sense of finality that I seem to be missing, but it is good to realize that it isn't just us infertiles who are feeling the urge. I like the idea that there is that biological drive that accounts for the 10% longing. I'm thinking that percentage might be around 40% around here, but my poor ovaries cannot believe that none of their hard work is being used, and I think they are sending out extra hormonal baby-longing cocktail!
I'm with Michelle in that I think a big part of my problem is that I always thought we would have three (and we still *might*) but I never treated Owen as my last. I always figured I do it again and celebrate all those "firsts" as the last time. I waiver between feeling like we have it so good with our little foursome and then just feeling like we are not quite done.
I have also struggled with being done and I often think about the miscarriage I had in 2006. It is surreal to think I could have a 4 year old. We are definitely done (not becasue I want to- but Don says he is too old and I will be 41 so it looks like we won't have another one).
I hope you can get some answers and I will keep you in my prayers ((hugs)).
Kori-I am so glad you are posting here again-I have missed having you around.
And I have to say that even right now, as I am desperate to get #3 to exit the building, I am already struggling with this issue.
I mean, we have been blessed to have come to the conception part easily, and my heart aches for you, and everyone here who has and is struggling to conceive. That adds a whole different dimension to it, and I truly don't know how you go about grieving it.
But here we are, having a 3rd and I am thrilled (though worried because things are easy in this house and I am kinda dreading the all nighters and all of that again), but Bill is all but slamming the door shut and it breaks my heart.
Any why???? I mean, I have 2 beautiful girls and another baby coming imminently! I should be happy and grateful and not even be thinking about the rest. I always thought I would just "know" when we were done. That I would get that feeling that the family was complete, and I don't have it. And now I wonder if I ever would?
There is pretty much every reason in the world for us to be done at 3. And in all likelihood, we will be. But I still feel sad about it and I wonder if I am always going to regret it or if I will come to terms with it one day-I hope the latter happens.
I have refused anything permanent because of this. But if Bill sticks to his guns on this, our family is about to be complete. And I just hope that I will be ok with that! And in the meantime, I feel so guilty for having any of these feelings when I have been so fortunate the have the 3 I do.
You know, Bill never struggles with any of this. He is (finally) happy we are having a third, but would have been fine without it. It just doesn't seem to affect him the way it does me.
I am just trying very hard to cherish every moment I have with Elizabeth. If I am thinking about what ifs and what might have been, I am cheating both of us. I think it is actually a good thing to be happy with the life you have and appreciate it, which it sounds like you do. I think for now, keep enjoying your family and until you come to a point when you feel strongly that it is no longer good for your family, keep going down the same road. It's okay to enjoy the life you have. That's the way it's suppose to be.
Libby, I really appreciate this. I keep working on this concept (thank you, therapy) called "radical acceptance." If I don't accept what is happening and deal with reality, I can't be present and actually enjoy it. It can be such a flip-flop, though---I settle in and enjoy the moments, then I pull up and think of "what it would be like if..." I guess the trick is just turning the mind back to the present again, and being mindful about the stuff happening here and now.
Thanks for inspiring me to keep working on this. Spot on, friend.
Ah Kori. You were such an amazing help to me when we were trying so desperately to get pregnant. You helped me make the best decision ever by going to an RE. It is so hard to not be able to get pregnant. I can relate so much. I've been in a terrible mindset about this very thing for awhile now. I do not feel done. I wish with everything I had that I did because it would be so much easier and hurt so much freaking less. We've not used protection since B was 4 months old. He was 3 in May. I pray for a miracle just about nightly. I actually took a test (ok 3) about a week and a half ago, I really thought I might be pregnant and it threw me into a terrible heartache seeing that single line. The sadness is palpable and the kids birthdays and my own a few days ago have been so terribly hard. Years going by and dreams getting further out of reach. I don't mean to make this about me but wanted to share that i'm there too. I feel pretty confident mine isn't a wanting something I can't have but your post definitely got me thinking. In our family Kent is done. He is happy with two. I can't help but wonder if I could just "get" pregnant and we wouldn't have to jump through a series of hoops if he would be up for another. I can't bear the thought of being done.
I'm going to have to approach handling it/grieving it differently if I keep thinking that I need another baby.
I love what you said here. I think i'm in serious grieving mode. I cannot let it go.
Kent wants to get me a puppy. Sigh. I told him yesterday i'm glad you are thinking about my emotional well being but I don't think I want a puppy. Background here, Kent was kind of ignoring for lack of a better word my pain and I have gotten more and more sad and I finally spilled to him a few weeks ago why and I think he's trying? I don't know. If I start posting pics of a puppy on facebook ya'll know where things went.
I so wish I had words of wisdom. I guess I would say really look deep and if you want another search out an avenue, i'm kind of in the boat try try try so you don't have any regrets. I hate that you have to go through this. I think infertility is a terrible battle to have to fight. I will be thinking about you.
-- Edited by Picture-Perfect on Saturday 13th of August 2011 04:36:12 PM
I don't have anything to add, just hugs and thankfulness for this post. I seem to be perpetually on the fence after this long, and I don't know how much of that is biological urge, guarding my emotions, the fact that I never thought she'd be an only child, so I didn't really suck it all in savor and enjoy the way I would have liked to, and the other 30 million things that come into play when these things go on, but I can say that I've found this post and the entire thread profoundly helpful.
-- Edited by Cuppycake on Tuesday 16th of August 2011 01:52:06 PM
Leah, thank you. I know exactly what you mean---when I had Ellerie, and the birth was terrible, my doula said to me in post-op, "The next time you give birth, it will be very healing." Sigh. It took me four years to actually go in and get help dealing with the birth, since I kept thinking I might get pregnant, and healing would happen. Ridiculous, I know, but I had really attached to our doula's idea. I don't know that I savored all those baby and toddler moments, either---there was always this, "next time..." sense in the back of my mind.
As a family we can do so much more now and it is really fun to be able to interact doing things we all enjoy. Don't get me wrong. If someone dropped a baby in our laps I wouldn't say no, but we are not seeking it out.
