I am about to get really personal and I don't even know if I should post this but I don't really have any one else to talk about all of this.
I am just so mad and upset right now and over the whole TTC thing right now, especially since this second round will end up being pointless. We are supposed to be doing the deed every other night right now but for the last two times nothing (so it's been 5 days since we've had secks.) I understand DH works hard and is tired from work and blah blah freaking blah but any other time he is ready and willing. I know this is a problem a lot of couples have and I've been so careful to try and spice things up and not make it like a chore.
Tonight he told me it just isn't as fun knowing we had to do it. Well, no freaking kidding. Me either. Actually, our first round last month was probably the worst secks for me that we've ever had in the almost 10 years we've been married, kind of like wham bam thank you ma'am. Just enough to get the job done. It's not usually like that. That's why I've tried so hard this time that it not be like that. He was into it at first until he realized that we were supposed to be trying this week and I don't know I guess he felt like I was only initiating to make a baby.
I just want to scream and throw stuff. This stupid second baby thing was his idea. I never let myself venture down dreaming about a second kid because I didn't want to feel the disappointment of trying if we just had one.
He just wants to go back to no pressure trying. No schedules. No meds. If it happens it happens. Only I tried to explain to him the chances of that happening are pretty slim. Unless I'm on something I don't ovulate. DUH!!! Where has he been this whole time?!? The only reason I even had Lucas was because I was on the pill... which made me ovulate. His response "but that's birth control." Ughhh still not 100% effective in preventing pregnancy. I wanted to say "Where were you during health classs?!?!"
I had RX for 3 tries. We are in the middle of our 2nd try. I was already thinking about not pursuing anymore if the 3rd one doesn't work. But I am a little pissed off that I went through all that stupid medication and hormone ups and downs for him to be like "ooooh it's so stressful on me because it isn't as fun" What a freaking waste of our money and my time charting and reading and popping pills.
In his defense after all of this tonight I had to run to the store for something. When I got back he tried to initiate and was all ready to go but I couldn't get over my stupid hurt feelings and pride to have secks. So then I guess after this whole big long post of blaming my DH it's my fault too.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. I just wanted to get this out.
-- Edited by LucsMama on Monday 21st of March 2011 10:10:31 PM
I hate that this journey is hard for you, and i know the emotional ups and downs of the hormones, the peeing on a stick, and the disappointment.
My thought is to complete your prescription next month as scheduled, and to the best of your ability, just relax and not schedule the secks. Natural swimmers have quite the life span. Miss a day, ok. Feeling frisky, ok.
If it doesn't happen, I would take a HUGE long break to emotionally regroup. Don't lose sight of the wonderful man you have in the pressure of trying to add. I say that as someone who has to constantly remind my self of the exact same thing.
Kari, I have experience here. More than I wish I ever had. I'm sorry you feel like giving up been there so many times. It does get more difficult when it feels like scheduling. The tough part is in order for it to work it has to be that way. I don't usually ovulate either. Clomid didn't help me and we had to go more advanced routes which took their toll on my dh and I feel like that's why I can't get him on board for a third, depressing days for me lately, sorry to add my sorrow to your disappointment.
I think Jenn has great advice. It is so hard to let go sometimes, but it can be just the thing you both need and a little break could do wonders. Question, are you getting good monitoring being on the clomid? I had blood tests and ultrasounds that showed it wasn't working for me, even though I was getting smiley faces on the ovulation tests. I had to switch to a stronger drug which had better results.
I hope you can find peace with a decision for which way to go. I hate that anyone has to go through difficulty getting pregnant, it seems so unfair.
We had a lot of these issues while trying for Owen. Started temping, timing, etc. It was a real hassle. The month we were going through testing for me to be put on Clomid is the one I got pregnant with him.
For guys the scheduled secks tends to be a real issue so I would not even tell him the times you need to have it next month and just go with the flow, roll with the punches and have secks like normal.
John's cousin had to use Clomid to get pregnant as she does not ovulate either. Her 2 yr old she got pregnant her first month. She just found out she was pregnant a few weeks ago but it took four months of meds this second time.
You don't know how much you ladies have helped me. I am in a MUCH better place today. Talked to DH again and explained to him again why I was upset and he actually listened and made me feel tons better. I also understand now that if we do miss a day because life happens then I just need to chill and cut my DH some slack.
I also realized that I was putting a lot of pressure on us too because of one of our best friends. His Dad suddenly became really sick and went into a coma and Friday he was to be taken off life support. My friend doesn't have any siblings and his Dad did not have anything in order so my friend is suddenly dealing with it all and he just kept saying over and over "I just wish I had a brother or sister to help with all this so the pressure isn't on me" (his Dad actually passed away this afternoon, which is why I am just not responding here) Anyway, it was just adding another level of pressure thinking about Lucas being in that situation one day.
So thanks for letting me vent and I hate that some of you understand where I am coming from but I am very thankful for all of your words or wisdom and support!!!! It means more than you will ever know!!!!!!!!!!
Kari-I am sorry things have been so difficult. I know I don't have experience with this, but I ache for all of you who have fertility struggles.
And I am so sorry for your friend's loss. That is tremendously sad, and I know from seeing my mom go through the loss of her parents as an only, it can be hard dealing with all of that. Thankfully, siblings or no, he has you all to lean on.
I am glad you talked and things are feeling better for both of you. I really have no advice, because I had a hard time this last time with it only taking 3 months. I was completely obsessive, so I have no idea how to advise you not to be that way-but you have been given some wonderful advice.
You are in my prayers. I hope it happens quicker than you think it will for you.
