Kari, he sounds a lot like my nephew... Is he in anything after school? Scouts, karate, anything like that? I almost wonder if having a different outlet for his emotions would help. Something like that could also boost his confidence, especially if he's having trouble dealing with making mistakes. Also, maybe you could give him a safe zone where it's okay to yell, cry, etc. We have that here. Hannah's safe zones are her bedroom and her bathroom. She can do anything in there (that isn't destructive or dangerous) to vent, but once she steps out, she has to be calm. That's been really helpful.
Kari, I'm sorry he's having a hard time. I ditto the extra stuff..Jillian does dance and it is amazing to me how much it has helped her, period.
And, the red.. we do this in our house. It helps SO much. Especially with Ryan. If either kid wants to throw a fit, scream, cry, yell etc they can do it in their rooms (of course unless they are being disrespectful in their yelling, which I don't tolerate) but once they step out, they know it has to change. In fact, just yesterday, Ryan was in SUPER rare form.. he took himself to his room, shut the door, had a tantrum and then came out calm.
*hugs*
There are 3 karate schools close by our house. I might have to look into them. I think Lucas would like that and maybe it would teach him how to focus and give him some physical way to work out his anger.
We have the same rules... when you come out of your room you have to be in a better mood.
I think karate is a good idea but I would try and find something for a saturday morning. I think it might end up being really stressful for you guys if you are doing full day kindergarten and adding in extra activities when he is already struggling.
I would recommend some kind of "take a break" type of thing. I work with a child who has severe issues - your examples aren't even in the ballpark with this child - but I can still share some of the things we do.
One of the things is deep pressure massage. Before we start in the morning or before we do an activity that I know he doesn't do well with we do this. If you are really interested I could try and video demonstrate it with Gavin or Owen - it's kind of hard to explain otherwise. We do deep pressure massage and joint compressions. You can modify it to a lot less if it is something you even want to do. But, throughout the day I can grab his hand and just massage that and it almost always instantly calms him down.
Another thing we do is counting - either up to ten or down to 1. Deep breath in, breathe out, and say 1. I model it every time with him. (Sometimes I need it more than he does!)
Something we just started today is I tell him to "deflate the balloon." He will get really tense and his whole body just gets super tight and tense. I explain to him it is like a balloon filled with air about to burst. Then I described what happens to a balloon when you let the air go and it deflates. So, when he is getting really upset I tell him to deflate his balloon and we breath air out, let shoulders drop and just try and relax.
I have no idea if that will help - the child I work with has a very hard time doing things he is not good at but he has a lot of other issues and unknown triggers so it might not be helpful at all.
I think I would be really careful about picking your battles. If he makes mistakes but they are age appropriate I would just let it go. I also think that he needs to have expectations laid out ahead of time. For example, with the art activity. He needs to know that if he doesn't follow the rules then (whatever) will happen. Whether it is he goes to a certain spot and takes a break or he just puts his stuff away, it needs to be in place ahead of time.
Some other things - do your best to be consistent. Do not give in during a fit just to get the fit over with. We call it "forced compliance" but that makes it sound really harsh. Basically, if the child is yelling at me to go out, close the door, etc. I calmly tell him he needs to ask nicely or politely. Sometimes he will yell at me five times (or more, who knows) but eventually does ask nicely. Then I close the door and give him his space. It's really hard and for some reason I have an easier time not getting into a battle of wills with other children than I do with my own so I know it is harder when it is your own child.
This is getting long - sorry - just hoping any of this will help. If you are at home I think you should designate a spot - call it a take a break spot and use it. When he is approaching a tantrum you give him a choice - "you can finish your homework quietly or go take a break." If he continues on to a tantrum you can say - "you can go to your take a break spot or I can help you go there, make a choice." Always give him a choice but obviously make them both things that are okay/appropriate. If he doesn't make a choice, guide him or pick him up and bring him. Ahead of time you can lay down ground rules - if you put him there then he needs to stay there for x number of minutes on his bottom quietly. If he puts himself there he can choose to come out when he is ready. The take a break room (for us) has nothing in it except a beanbag. No toys, no stimulus.
Phew. I can think of a bunch more but I don't even know if it's helpful. :)
-- Edited by Juni on Wednesday 12th of January 2011 11:51:26 PM
So very helpful. I would love to learn more about the deep pressure massage. Sometimes when Lucas is so angry and screaming and yelling and telling me he hates me I will just hug him and tell him that I love him no matter what and the physical touch calms him down
