Advice needed on teen issue

sappy · Guru

Advice needed on teen issue

a_mastermom · Guru

No way would I allow him to leave the party at 1 am and let him walk to another friend's house to spend the night. No way. Tell him you'll pick him up at the party at midnight. It's a compromise.

apies · Guru

i agree with alicia.

as a high school, i am constantly SHOCKED by which kids are involved in what and how common it is for the "good" kids to be around stuff i wouldn't want my kids around.

i would say no.

FoxyRoxy · Guru

i'll probably say NO. midnight is a good choice but i'll probably call the girls' parents just to check that there is actually a party. i'll probably call him every two hours just to annoy him...

i know... i'm a bitch...

kdrew · Guru

I'm going to go with the unpopular answer.

I would say yes and call the parents who are having the party and talk to them.

If I got a bad feeling, like I felt like they weren't really going to be there I might change my change.

Then I'd tell him to wake me up when he's ready to go to his friend's house and I'd go get them and drive them.

I just think back to when I was a freshman. I'm glad that my parents didn't shelter me, I think it made me mature faster.

happylib · Guru

kdrew wrote:

I'm going to go with the unpopular answer.

I would say yes and call the parents who are having the party and talk to them.

If I got a bad feeling, like I felt like they weren't really going to be there I might change my change.

Then I'd tell him to wake me up when he's ready to go to his friend's house and I'd go get them and drive them.

I just think back to when I was a freshman. I'm glad that my parents didn't shelter me, I think it made me mature faster.

I think Kristi's idea to call the parents first is a great idea. From my past experience you need to make sure the party is supervised by parents. Also if you think the party is okay, I think picking the boys up is also an extra measure of assurance that they will indeed be leaving and less likely to drink (not that I am saying Jake does, but I know my ds along with almost everyone else's did occasionally do that). That way you also know where he is and have seen it with your own eyes. Before you say yes, you might want to check it out by driving by too.

If you don't like what you are seeing or the vibe you get from the parents, then say no.

Dddiii · Guru

a_mastermom wrote:

No way would I allow him to leave the party at 1 am and let him walk to another friend's house to spend the night. No way. Tell him you'll pick him up at the party at midnight. It's a compromise.

I agree with Alicia but also want to add that I'd call the parents where Jake will be spending the night. Do you know them?

I'm all for giving them some freedom but I don't know if I can give them that much freshman year. If he was coming home afterwards and I was picking him up, I think it may be a different story.

Michele · Senior Member

kdrew wrote:

I'm going to go with the unpopular answer.

I would say yes and call the parents who are having the party and talk to them.

If I got a bad feeling, like I felt like they weren't really going to be there I might change my change.

Then I'd tell him to wake me up when he's ready to go to his friend's house and I'd go get them and drive them.

I just think back to when I was a freshman. I'm glad that my parents didn't shelter me, I think it made me mature faster.

I agree completely here with Kristi except I'd just pick him up from the party and take him home. That seems like a fun night with some extra allowances in there with the party and late curfew.

My parents did shelter me to the point that I always wondered why they didn't trust me or let me prove that they could trust me.

Supafly · Guru

Michele wrote:

kdrew wrote:

I'm going to go with the unpopular answer.

I would say yes and call the parents who are having the party and talk to them.

If I got a bad feeling, like I felt like they weren't really going to be there I might change my change.

Then I'd tell him to wake me up when he's ready to go to his friend's house and I'd go get them and drive them.

I just think back to when I was a freshman. I'm glad that my parents didn't shelter me, I think it made me mature faster.

I agree completely here with Kristi except I'd just pick him up from the party and take him home. That seems like a fun night with some extra allowances in there with the party and late curfew.

My parents did shelter me to the point that I always wondered why they didn't trust me or let me prove that they could trust me.

I tend to agree with Michele. I would not say yes to the whole thing, but think a compromise might work best. Is the friend with whom he is spending the night going to be at this party as well? If not, I would be likely to give the option of going to the party OR spending the night at a friend's house, but not both. And I would let him know that maybe in the future, depending on how things go this time, you will be able to give him more freedom-just to make sure he knew that how he chose to behave about it this time could help him earn more trust and freedoms in the future. Because if it had been me as a teen, I probably would have said I was spending the night at the friend's house and just gone to the party without asking, and if I had been caught (I was a once), I would lose my parents' trust and lose freedoms as a result of that.

Good luck!! I am not looking forward to these decisions when they get older!!!

LDSMOM · Senior Member

I guess I'm a meanie. I'd stick with his normal curfew, party or not. I think I'd go with my gut on the party. Calling both parents seems like a good idea to me.

Alicia · Senior Member

I pick my DS up from all parties. I also don't think there is any reason a high school party should last until 1am.

Tiffany · Senior Member

I would let him go to the party but I'd pick him up. That's just what I would do. I know I was half bad half good when I was a freshman, I can't imagine what kids are getting into these days.

Sara · Guru

I have no idea, I am so dreading when I get to this age. John and I will disagree since he was party central all through high school and I was not.

I would maybe just call make sure the party is going on then just let him stay but you pick him up.

Lizzy · Guru

I would pick him up after the party and either take him home or take him to his friend's house, but if you are taking him to his friend's house, I would definitely talk to the parents first and make sure that they know he is spending the night.

My son, Andrew, would "say" he was spending the night w/ a friend and really spend it elsewhere....and that is how he got into alot of trouble! After the first time I found about that, I had to make sure I talked to parents and all....I was just taking him at his word the first time, which I learned (sadly) I couldn't do.

Lizzy · Guru

happylib wrote:

kdrew wrote:

I'm going to go with the unpopular answer.

I would say yes and call the parents who are having the party and talk to them.

If I got a bad feeling, like I felt like they weren't really going to be there I might change my change.

Then I'd tell him to wake me up when he's ready to go to his friend's house and I'd go get them and drive them.

I just think back to when I was a freshman. I'm glad that my parents didn't shelter me, I think it made me mature faster.

I think Kristi's idea to call the parents first is a great idea. From my past experience you need to make sure the party is supervised by parents. Also if you think the party is okay, I think picking the boys up is also an extra measure of assurance that they will indeed be leaving and less likely to drink (not that I am saying Jake does, but I know my ds along with almost everyone else's did occasionally do that). That way you also know where he is and have seen it with your own eyes. Before you say yes, you might want to check it out by driving by too.

If you don't like what you are seeing or the vibe you get from the parents, then say no.

GREAT point!! I do find that it takes extra measures not because you don't trust them, but peer pressure can get the better of them ;)

Tiffany · Senior Member

Lizzy wrote:

happylib wrote:

kdrew wrote:

I'm going to go with the unpopular answer.

I would say yes and call the parents who are having the party and talk to them.

If I got a bad feeling, like I felt like they weren't really going to be there I might change my change.

Then I'd tell him to wake me up when he's ready to go to his friend's house and I'd go get them and drive them.

I just think back to when I was a freshman. I'm glad that my parents didn't shelter me, I think it made me mature faster.

I think Kristi's idea to call the parents first is a great idea. From my past experience you need to make sure the party is supervised by parents. Also if you think the party is okay, I think picking the boys up is also an extra measure of assurance that they will indeed be leaving and less likely to drink (not that I am saying Jake does, but I know my ds along with almost everyone else's did occasionally do that). That way you also know where he is and have seen it with your own eyes. Before you say yes, you might want to check it out by driving by too.

If you don't like what you are seeing or the vibe you get from the parents, then say no.

GREAT point!! I do find that it takes extra measures not because you don't trust them, but peer pressure can get the better of them ;)

Exactly my thoughts!

mctex · Guru

sappy wrote:

This weekend is the turn about dance. jake is going with a girl he calls a friend. he has another girl he likes and who likes him but they aren't "going out yet because it wouldn't be nice to their turn about dates".

The plan is to go to dinner then the dance - which is from 7-10pm.

Jake's normal weekend curfew is 11pm.

He wants me to allow him to go to a party at a girl's house until 1am - at 1am he is planning to walk a block or so to his other friend's house (a guy) to spend the night.

My gut says NO. I want to tell him no. this seems totally excessive for a FRESHMAN valentine dance.

I don't know the girl's parents, Jake says there are going to be 50 people there (?) ... just seems like way too much for a kid who will be 15 next week.

thoughts?

I'm with Kristi. I'd say maybe, but I'd need to talk to these parents who are allowing a party where they will allegedly let kids walk off at 1 am.

If I were the parents hosting that party, I would want to talk to a parent of every single child who was going to be in my home, to make sure the stories synced up.

I'd also want to talk to the parents of where he'd be spending the night to make sure they were really expecting them at 1 am.

I'd be sure to tell him that it's not him you don't trust, but that it's new and kind of scary for you, and you're just trying to meet your responsibility of keeping him safe.

I'll be curious to see what happens when you start asking him for phone numbers to make calls.

Ugh, I am not looking forward to those years.

mctex · Guru

Michele wrote:

kdrew wrote:

I'm going to go with the unpopular answer.

I would say yes and call the parents who are having the party and talk to them.

If I got a bad feeling, like I felt like they weren't really going to be there I might change my change.

Then I'd tell him to wake me up when he's ready to go to his friend's house and I'd go get them and drive them.

I just think back to when I was a freshman. I'm glad that my parents didn't shelter me, I think it made me mature faster.

I agree completely here with Kristi except I'd just pick him up from the party and take him home. That seems like a fun night with some extra allowances in there with the party and late curfew.

My parents did shelter me to the point that I always wondered why they didn't trust me or let me prove that they could trust me.

What's interesting is that my parents didn't shelter me at all -- like I was probably the least sheltered person of all of my friends.

When I look back on some of the things that happened, I realize how lucky I am to still be here.

What I want for my girls is something in the middle, KWIM? I had never considered your point about how it made you feel, though. Do you think if they would've proactively explained that they were just scared, and that it wasn't about you, it would've helped?

kdrew · Guru

mctex wrote:

sappy wrote:

This weekend is the turn about dance. jake is going with a girl he calls a friend. he has another girl he likes and who likes him but they aren't "going out yet because it wouldn't be nice to their turn about dates".

The plan is to go to dinner then the dance - which is from 7-10pm.

Jake's normal weekend curfew is 11pm.

He wants me to allow him to go to a party at a girl's house until 1am - at 1am he is planning to walk a block or so to his other friend's house (a guy) to spend the night.

My gut says NO. I want to tell him no. this seems totally excessive for a FRESHMAN valentine dance.

I don't know the girl's parents, Jake says there are going to be 50 people there (?) ... just seems like way too much for a kid who will be 15 next week.

thoughts?

I'm with Kristi. I'd say maybe, but I'd need to talk to these parents who are allowing a party where they will allegedly let kids walk off at 1 am.

If I were the parents hosting that party, I would want to talk to a parent of every single child who was going to be in my home, to make sure the stories synced up.

I'd also want to talk to the parents of where he'd be spending the night to make sure they were really expecting them at 1 am.

I'd be sure to tell him that it's not him you don't trust, but that it's new and kind of scary for you, and you're just trying to meet your responsibility of keeping him safe.

I'll be curious to see what happens when you start asking him for phone numbers to make calls.

Ugh, I am not looking forward to those years.

Me either!

The bad news is that I know what goes on because I was party central (.25 to Sara) in high school.

The good news is, I was party central in high school so I'll know what to watch out for.

Number one mistake my parents made, trusting me on the fact the "the parents are going to be there, I swear." LMAO

Lizzy · Guru

mctex wrote:

sappy wrote:

This weekend is the turn about dance. jake is going with a girl he calls a friend. he has another girl he likes and who likes him but they aren't "going out yet because it wouldn't be nice to their turn about dates".

The plan is to go to dinner then the dance - which is from 7-10pm.

Jake's normal weekend curfew is 11pm.

He wants me to allow him to go to a party at a girl's house until 1am - at 1am he is planning to walk a block or so to his other friend's house (a guy) to spend the night.

My gut says NO. I want to tell him no. this seems totally excessive for a FRESHMAN valentine dance.

I don't know the girl's parents, Jake says there are going to be 50 people there (?) ... just seems like way too much for a kid who will be 15 next week.

thoughts?

I'm with Kristi. I'd say maybe, but I'd need to talk to these parents who are allowing a party where they will allegedly let kids walk off at 1 am.

If I were the parents hosting that party, I would want to talk to a parent of every single child who was going to be in my home, to make sure the stories synced up.

I'd also want to talk to the parents of where he'd be spending the night to make sure they were really expecting them at 1 am.

I'd be sure to tell him that it's not him you don't trust, but that it's new and kind of scary for you, and you're just trying to meet your responsibility of keeping him safe.

I'll be curious to see what happens when you start asking him for phone numbers to make calls.

Ugh, I am not looking forward to those years.

i really think the issue always has more to do with the parents than the child....I was just a really trusting person and therefore, I trusted Andrew (more than I should have, obviously). and it was really hard to alter my personality to adjust for a teen ;) now, however, I am a little jaded and will probably have Ivy on lockdown ;)