CheleLyn wrote:

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HAving not read everyone else's responses, I'll give my opinions based on my situation. Everything I say is based on ME and may or may not be relevent for anyone else and their situation. What I say is in no way an excuse, but some of the conclusions I have come to over the years through therapy and my own enlightenment.

I had SEVERAL affairs on my first husband...you know--the deadbeat jackass. I think for me, a lot of it started way back as a child...when the sexual abuse started around age 5 until I was 13. I was introduced to sex WAY early and learned to base my self worth on whether or not someone wanted to have sex with me. I started having consentual sex at 14....and had multiple partners throughtout high school (don't ask how many bc I really don't know). I had several boyfriends but was a pretty shitty girlfriend, cheated a lot.

When I got out of high school it continued. I was the "other woman" several times.  I was never under the delusion that anyone I ever had sex with loved me...I sure as hell didn't love any of them. After I got married the first time, I started having my first affair as a married woman two years in...I think it was a case of he was an ass to me (the verbal/mental/emotional abuse had started), I was getting bored, and I wanted someone to just be nice to me...we had discussed prior to my affair of getting divorced. That affair lasted about a year and a half. Even after I moved out of state, we continued to talk on the phone, but I soon tired of him.

Less than a year after having moved out of state (had been married about 4 years?) I started my next fling. A lot of them were  just one time hook-ups, some lasted a few weeks/months...depending if I actually like the fella as a person and not just as someone I was physically attracted to.

That all continued until I left him in 1999. For me, it was just physical, I've always been able to just "shut off" emotionally and I think that came from the abuse that started when I was a child. Sex was just a way to make ME feel better. I actually did try several times to NOT always be looking for someone, but it was like a compulsion, you know, like a drug...I was always looking for someone and at the time it wasn't hard to find someone to mess around with...men are easy.

Since i've been married this time...I can say that i've not messed around on him. I have defiantely had offers when I've been out...opportunity is always there, as is the compulsion, and it can be awful hard to say no. I've learned that one thing I have to do is not put myself in those easy situations.

Can a women ever recover from being cheated on? idk, i think if don cheated on me i'd be super pissed and be out for some serious revenge bc i've had to work really hard at being faithful. I think i would feel like, bc i was up front and open about my past, that it would be a slap in the face if he cheated. Of course the other side of my open and up front about my past is that he is continually suspicious....sometimes it feels like he's waiting for me to ef up. BUT i fully believe that a part of that comes from his first wife having an affair with, and then marrying his best friend (they're no longer friends obviously).

Can a person cheat once then never again? IHNI...I really think it may depend on the person. For me, once I did it the first time and saw how easy it was, plus being unhappy anyway, I was always looking for it, kwim.

Cheating=not loving the spouse/so...no, i dont think thats always the case. for me, the cheating was more about ME and how I felt about ME more than anything else. Yes, the jackass was a POS to me, but I really think that even if he hadnt been I still would have cheated.

emotional v physical...for me, physical, i couldn't ever have cared less if the person i was cheating with cared about ME...hell I didnt care about them--or ME for that matter.

Like i said, What I wrote was about me and MY situation...and yes, I know how I look to people who know my past....but hey, it is what it is. I work hard DAILY to not be that person anymore...and it is HARD, bc some of thoe same insecurities about myself are still there...bc those same compulsions/desires for that "high" are still there. It is hard work. Honestly, even though I've been able to say no, I have wanted to...and if the situation were just right.....It's hard work to be a better person and to keep yourself on a better path when your mind wants you to do something different.

 

 

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Chele, well done on putting this all out there. I would NEVER judge you, ever... it sounds like you were handed a pretty shitty deal for a while in your childhood, and you have done a wonderful job playing the cards you were dealt. You've figured your shit out, and are now in control. That puts you so far ahead of the game... I hope you're proud of the person you've become!

In my response, I had said that I think affairs are completely emotional instead of physical, but in reading your response, I realize you and I are using the terms differently.

Like when I said emotional, I personally was using "emotional" to express the sentiment that you used here: "Sex was just a way to make ME feel better." I agree that it's not like you're in love with the person you're screwing around with (I think a lot of people like to think they are, because it's much more pleasant to think "I accidentally found my long lost soul mate" than "I'm feeling super fucked up and have no idea what's wrong with me").

For me, when I say "emotional" vs. "physical", I define physical as whatever that same drive would be that would cause someone to masturbate. Like a simple, "I'm horny, that's hot and available, let's do it." And as you've expressed so well, I think it's far more complicated than that.

At any rate, thanks for sharing. I know it's not necessarily fun, but I think it's really helpful and insightful for people to understand what that process is like for someone who's been through it.