Cheating

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Cheating

Juni · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? I think it's possible but I also think that it is not the norm.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? I would say not always. Actually, I don't think most people cheat because of lost love for the SO. Not that cheating is an act of love for their SO by any means. (duh!)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? I don't think I could answer this question. I am sure it is different for different people. Generally, I *think* that men cheat and fall more on the physical side of things and when women cheat it tends to be more emotional related. Though I know that isn't always the case.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? I don't know. I don't think I could. But TBH I think that a lot of women self sabotage and don't work towards forgiveness and closure. (I mean, if that is what they want which I would assume they did if they chose to stay.) I am sure that once you are cheated on you never fully and completely regain trust but I am sure there are some that have and I think that is pretty great to be able to do that. I think most women don't because then they no longer have that in their arsenal, if that makes sense. I don't think you can truly get over something if you keep using it against the person, kwim?

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

My answers are just opinion based off of what I've seen second hand from working with a lot of people and from friends. Not having been through it I think that I would want to try and work things out but working things out doesn't mean just staying in the relationship - there is a lot of work involved. I also think I would have a super hard time not using it as my ace in the hole whenever possible - during a fight - well you cheated on me...etc. Which is not helpful or conducive but I know myself pretty well.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Juni wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? I think it's possible but I also think that it is not the norm.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? I would say not always. Actually, I don't think most people cheat because of lost love for the SO. Not that cheating is an act of love for their SO by any means. (duh!)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? I don't think I could answer this question. I am sure it is different for different people. Generally, I *think* that men cheat and fall more on the physical side of things and when women cheat it tends to be more emotional related. Though I know that isn't always the case.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? I don't know. I don't think I could. But TBH I think that a lot of women self sabotage and don't work towards forgiveness and closure. (I mean, if that is what they want which I would assume they did if they chose to stay.) I am sure that once you are cheated on you never fully and completely regain trust but I am sure there are some that have and I think that is pretty great to be able to do that. I think most women don't because then they no longer have that in their arsenal, if that makes sense. I don't think you can truly get over something if you keep using it against the person, kwim?

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

My answers are just opinion based off of what I've seen second hand from working with a lot of people and from friends. Not having been through it I think that I would want to try and work things out but working things out doesn't mean just staying in the relationship - there is a lot of work involved. I also think I would have a super hard time not using it as my ace in the hole whenever possible - during a fight - well you cheated on me...etc. Which is not helpful or conducive but I know myself pretty well.

Totally agree. I mean it just seems like such a hard hurdle. I know people make it through it, but I often wonder if it breaks you and if you ever feel safe in that relationship?

I have not lived through it personally that I know of. Just going through it now with some people I know and it is sad.

3s_a_crowd · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? yes, but i think they will remember it think of it, etc and that would bother me
Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? no, not necessarily, but to not even think about my feelings in that moment would make me question it

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? Ditto Juni

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? it depends on the circumstances

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

-- Edited by 3s_a_crowd on Friday 15th of January 2010 10:12:53 AM

mctex · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes. But I think that individual needs to be fully committed to personal growth in order for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? 100% absolutely not. In fact, I think when someone truly loves someone they can become intimidated by or even a little fearful of losing them, and the cheating is actually about them finding someone that they feel they can somehow be more relaxed with. (Oftentimes because they themselves act more freer with the "other" person, because if that person rejects them, they get to end the affair, which brings an upside of the alleviation of guilt. I hope this makes sense.)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? 100% emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? Yes. A relationship where both parties have bared their souls and innermost insecurities in the way that one must in order to heal from this kind of experience is the strongest kind of relationship there is... so in that instance, I completely believe with time, everyone can get past it. If the cheater, however, is unwilling to truly change or work with the one cheated on to help him/her get past all of her insecurities, then no.

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

Regarding the last red (let's kick this hot topic up a notch, LOL)... both parties are at fault in an infidelity situation. Granted, the one who stepped out committed the bigger transgression... but in a relationship where two people are properly emotionally connected, one person cannot step out on another person without that other person sensing that something has gone awry. It's up to both parties in a marriage to construct and maintain that emotional connection, and if one of them is growing distant, it's up to the other to hold them accountable to show up once again. Usually, the person getting cheated on either isn't paying enough attention to notice the warning signs, or is paying attention -- but feels so insecure about them that they don't want to broach the topic with their spouse. So given that cheating is also about insecurity, it seems both parties would then be to blame... their insecurity just manifested differently.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

mctex wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes. But I think that individual needs to be fully committed to personal growth in order for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? 100% absolutely not. In fact, I think when someone truly loves someone they can become intimidated by or even a little fearful of losing them, and the cheating is actually about them finding someone that they feel they can somehow be more relaxed with. (Oftentimes because they themselves act more freer with the "other" person, because if that person rejects them, they get to end the affair, which brings an upside of the alleviation of guilt. I hope this makes sense.)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? 100% emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? Yes. A relationship where both parties have bared their souls and innermost insecurities in the way that one must in order to heal from this kind of experience is the strongest kind of relationship there is... so in that instance, I completely believe with time, everyone can get past it. If the cheater, however, is unwilling to truly change or work with the one cheated on to help him/her get past all of her insecurities, then no.

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

Regarding the last red (let's kick this hot topic up a notch, LOL)... both parties are at fault in an infidelity situation. Granted, the one who stepped out committed the bigger transgression... but in a relationship where two people are properly emotionally connected, one person cannot step out on another person without that other person sensing that something has gone awry. It's up to both parties in a marriage to construct and maintain that emotional connection, and if one of them is growing distant, it's up to the other to hold them accountable to show up once again. Usually, the person getting cheated on either isn't paying enough attention to notice the warning signs, or is paying attention -- but feels so insecure about them that they don't want to broach the topic with their spouse. So given that cheating is also about insecurity, it seems both parties would then be to blame... their insecurity just manifested differently.

I was thinking all of this, but I have no clue how to communicate it to my friend. It is much easier to me on the outside looking in.

The problem is her husband is not committed to personal growth. He will not even go to counseling for her :(

I do think it is so hard as the person cheated on to thing that they play a part into it.

I think you said some great things. I almost wish she could read this. I am having a hard time listening and not commenting. I know she has to work through this and discover it all on her own.

mctex · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

mctex wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes. But I think that individual needs to be fully committed to personal growth in order for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? 100% absolutely not. In fact, I think when someone truly loves someone they can become intimidated by or even a little fearful of losing them, and the cheating is actually about them finding someone that they feel they can somehow be more relaxed with. (Oftentimes because they themselves act more freer with the "other" person, because if that person rejects them, they get to end the affair, which brings an upside of the alleviation of guilt. I hope this makes sense.)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? 100% emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? Yes. A relationship where both parties have bared their souls and innermost insecurities in the way that one must in order to heal from this kind of experience is the strongest kind of relationship there is... so in that instance, I completely believe with time, everyone can get past it. If the cheater, however, is unwilling to truly change or work with the one cheated on to help him/her get past all of her insecurities, then no.

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

Regarding the last red (let's kick this hot topic up a notch, LOL)... both parties are at fault in an infidelity situation. Granted, the one who stepped out committed the bigger transgression... but in a relationship where two people are properly emotionally connected, one person cannot step out on another person without that other person sensing that something has gone awry. It's up to both parties in a marriage to construct and maintain that emotional connection, and if one of them is growing distant, it's up to the other to hold them accountable to show up once again. Usually, the person getting cheated on either isn't paying enough attention to notice the warning signs, or is paying attention -- but feels so insecure about them that they don't want to broach the topic with their spouse. So given that cheating is also about insecurity, it seems both parties would then be to blame... their insecurity just manifested differently.

I was thinking all of this, but I have no clue how to communicate it to my friend. It is much easier to me on the outside looking in.

The problem is her husband is not committed to personal growth. He will not even go to counseling for her :(

I do think it is so hard as the person cheated on to thing that they play a part into it.

I think you said some great things. I almost wish she could read this. I am having a hard time listening and not commenting. I know she has to work through this and discover it all on her own.

Sometimes, I think the only part people play is they sell themselves short when they choose a mate. Not much you can do about that once you're already married, other than the obvious.

If he won't even go to counseling for her, she needs to get the hell out of there. But you're right... it's so hard to watch, but you're being a good friend in being there and letting her figure it out.

I heard something brilliant earlier this week... when we are loving someone well (i.e., doing the healthy thing for them), we expect that we should always feel happy. But sometimes, loving someone well makes us feel sad. (Much like how you probably feel about your friend right now... where the right thing to do is to sit and watch her suffer.)

You're a good friend. She's lucky to have you. :)

muffy · Guru

mctex

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes. But I think that individual needs to be fully committed to personal growth in order for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? 100% absolutely not. In fact, I think when someone truly loves someone they can become intimidated by or even a little fearful of losing them, and the cheating is actually about them finding someone that they feel they can somehow be more relaxed with. (Oftentimes because they themselves act more freer with the "other" person, because if that person rejects them, they get to end the affair, which brings an upside of the alleviation of guilt. I hope this makes sense.)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? 100% emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? Yes. A relationship where both parties have bared their souls and innermost insecurities in the way that one must in order to heal from this kind of experience is the strongest kind of relationship there is... so in that instance, I completely believe with time, everyone can get past it. If the cheater, however, is unwilling to truly change or work with the one cheated on to help him/her get past all of her insecurities, then no.

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

Regarding the last red (let's kick this hot topic up a notch, LOL)... both parties are at fault in an infidelity situation. Granted, the one who stepped out committed the bigger transgression... but in a relationship where two people are properly emotionally connected, one person cannot step out on another person without that other person sensing that something has gone awry. It's up to both parties in a marriage to construct and maintain that emotional connection, and if one of them is growing distant, it's up to the other to hold them accountable to show up once again. Usually, the person getting cheated on either isn't paying enough attention to notice the warning signs, or is paying attention -- but feels so insecure about them that they don't want to broach the topic with their spouse. So given that cheating is also about insecurity, it seems both parties would then be to blame... their insecurity just manifested differently.

uhm, wow texx - you pretty much exactly wrote what i was going to say.

i mean exactly. so i wont bother re-typing LOL.

also regarding Melissa's last paragraph - i respectfully disagree with the comment. to me, it sounds like the pov of the person who has been wronged whining "poor me, he cheated on my and i had to make it right by sticking with him" "i made all the efforts by allowing him to stay" etc. but i feel VERY strongly that if a couple are going to make it work, it is a hell of a lot of work on BOTH sides. (and its not a quick fix) honestly, it may very well seem like that is how the wronged person feels at the time - but just because a person decided to take back their cheating partner and make it work does NOT necessarily mean they are the "bigger person" or that they did all the heavy lifting. it might be the opposite - the wronged person might make it REALLY hard for the cheater. hell hath no fury as a woman scorned - right?

i also totally agree with texx that there is probably something not cliqueing - not right - in the emotional aspect of the relationship, and although one partner is more hurt by the infidelity, there are sure to be issues on both sides to be resolved and worked on. an infidelity is the tip of the iceberg, and imo to make it really work, everything below needs to be worked on (and counseling helps - a lot!) the "victim" need to be open to the idea that they have faults/issues/things to work on as well, and they have to be willing to work on it.

melissa - i am very, very sorry your friend is going through this. super sucky beyond belief. hopefully she has a good support system. the only thing i can say is that ultimately, she will have to work through this herself - her situation is totally unique to her specific relationship - there are no right answers she can be given. and a support system she has can be a valuable help to her choosing what path to take and walking it. just be there to listen to her vent. and might caution don't throw too strong opinions out there to either side or the other - because noone knows at this point what will ultimately end up happening to them/their relationship.

Supafly · Guru

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes, like Michelle said, i think the cheater has to be completely committed to getting to the root of their own issues for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? No. I think people cheat because they are lacking something in themselves.

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? I agree with Jen-I think it is highly physical for men (though I think there absolutely an emotional component as to why they cheat) and I think for women it is more emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? I think it is possible, definitely. I used to think I would walk, no question, if Bill ever cheated. But I don't think I would anymore. It would depend on a lot of factors. But if the cheater was willing to give up any and all privacy and do the work necessary for the other partner to feel confident in their relationship, I think eventually both people could get past it.

Michelle, I don't think both parties are always at fault. I have thought about this a lot because I had some severe paranoid delusions when I was coming off of prednisone and really thought Bill was cheating. (he wasn't-I also thought some teenage kid at the grocery store was stealing from me, so...you know...I was the one who was nuts) Anyway, maybe in normal circumstances what you say is true, but in situations like my own, we have had months upon months when I could barely take care of myself, let alone pay attention to Bill. Then while on pred, I felt so horrific about myself that I wouldn't let him near me-we went the better part of a year without sex. Even now-not much is happening because it is too hard for me. If Bill cheated on me because of the current circumstance, I would blame him entirely. (let it be known that I do acknowledge and apologize to him for being so unavailable, both emotionally and physically) We took vows to be faithful through sickness and health, so if he couldn't, I would view him as a pretty weak individual. But I would take no responsibility in it. Again though, this is not under normal circumstances. And I do see what you are saying.

kris · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

mctex wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes. But I think that individual needs to be fully committed to personal growth in order for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? 100% absolutely not. In fact, I think when someone truly loves someone they can become intimidated by or even a little fearful of losing them, and the cheating is actually about them finding someone that they feel they can somehow be more relaxed with. (Oftentimes because they themselves act more freer with the "other" person, because if that person rejects them, they get to end the affair, which brings an upside of the alleviation of guilt. I hope this makes sense.)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? 100% emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? Yes. A relationship where both parties have bared their souls and innermost insecurities in the way that one must in order to heal from this kind of experience is the strongest kind of relationship there is... so in that instance, I completely believe with time, everyone can get past it. If the cheater, however, is unwilling to truly change or work with the one cheated on to help him/her get past all of her insecurities, then no.

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

Regarding the last red (let's kick this hot topic up a notch, LOL)... both parties are at fault in an infidelity situation. Granted, the one who stepped out committed the bigger transgression... but in a relationship where two people are properly emotionally connected, one person cannot step out on another person without that other person sensing that something has gone awry. It's up to both parties in a marriage to construct and maintain that emotional connection, and if one of them is growing distant, it's up to the other to hold them accountable to show up once again. Usually, the person getting cheated on either isn't paying enough attention to notice the warning signs, or is paying attention -- but feels so insecure about them that they don't want to broach the topic with their spouse. So given that cheating is also about insecurity, it seems both parties would then be to blame... their insecurity just manifested differently.

I was thinking all of this, but I have no clue how to communicate it to my friend. It is much easier to me on the outside looking in.

The problem is her husband is not committed to personal growth. He will not even go to counseling for her :(

I do think it is so hard as the person cheated on to thing that they play a part into it.

I think you said some great things. I almost wish she could read this. I am having a hard time listening and not commenting. I know she has to work through this and discover it all on her own.

After some time and personal growth on the part of the person being cheated on it becomes easier to see the roll you could have potentially played in it.

-- Edited by kris on Friday 15th of January 2010 01:04:32 PM

-- Edited by kris on Friday 15th of January 2010 01:05:16 PM

Juanita · Guru

mctex wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes. But I think that individual needs to be fully committed to personal growth in order for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? 100% absolutely not. In fact, I think when someone truly loves someone they can become intimidated by or even a little fearful of losing them, and the cheating is actually about them finding someone that they feel they can somehow be more relaxed with. (Oftentimes because they themselves act more freer with the "other" person, because if that person rejects them, they get to end the affair, which brings an upside of the alleviation of guilt. I hope this makes sense.)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? 100% emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? Yes. A relationship where both parties have bared their souls and innermost insecurities in the way that one must in order to heal from this kind of experience is the strongest kind of relationship there is... so in that instance, I completely believe with time, everyone can get past it. If the cheater, however, is unwilling to truly change or work with the one cheated on to help him/her get past all of her insecurities, then no.

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

Regarding the last red (let's kick this hot topic up a notch, LOL)... both parties are at fault in an infidelity situation. Granted, the one who stepped out committed the bigger transgression... but in a relationship where two people are properly emotionally connected, one person cannot step out on another person without that other person sensing that something has gone awry. It's up to both parties in a marriage to construct and maintain that emotional connection, and if one of them is growing distant, it's up to the other to hold them accountable to show up once again. Usually, the person getting cheated on either isn't paying enough attention to notice the warning signs, or is paying attention -- but feels so insecure about them that they don't want to broach the topic with their spouse. So given that cheating is also about insecurity, it seems both parties would then be to blame... their insecurity just manifested differently.

Ditto to this ENTIRE post!

mctex · Guru

Supafly wrote:

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes, like Michelle said, i think the cheater has to be completely committed to getting to the root of their own issues for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? No. I think people cheat because they are lacking something in themselves.

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? I agree with Jen-I think it is highly physical for men (though I think there absolutely an emotional component as to why they cheat) and I think for women it is more emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? I think it is possible, definitely. I used to think I would walk, no question, if Bill ever cheated. But I don't think I would anymore. It would depend on a lot of factors. But if the cheater was willing to give up any and all privacy and do the work necessary for the other partner to feel confident in their relationship, I think eventually both people could get past it.

Michelle, I don't think both parties are always at fault. I have thought about this a lot because I had some severe paranoid delusions when I was coming off of prednisone and really thought Bill was cheating. (he wasn't-I also thought some teenage kid at the grocery store was stealing from me, so...you know...I was the one who was nuts) Anyway, maybe in normal circumstances what you say is true, but in situations like my own, we have had months upon months when I could barely take care of myself, let alone pay attention to Bill. Then while on pred, I felt so horrific about myself that I wouldn't let him near me-we went the better part of a year without sex. Even now-not much is happening because it is too hard for me. If Bill cheated on me because of the current circumstance, I would blame him entirely. (let it be known that I do acknowledge and apologize to him for being so unavailable, both emotionally and physically) We took vows to be faithful through sickness and health, so if he couldn't, I would view him as a pretty weak individual. But I would take no responsibility in it. Again though, this is not under normal circumstances. And I do see what you are saying.

I think I disagree. I'm really reluctant to do so, because I recognize it's your personal situation. But I do disagree.

I think that illness is hard. It affects both people in a couple, and both have reason to grieve.

I think that if the couple can find a way to grieve in harmony, the connection remains in absence of the physical relationship. It's really hard for both parties -- particularly the one who is ill -- because not only do they have their illness to contend with, but also need to be strong enough to accept that their partner is grieving that they are not all they had hoped they would be. That's a lot for one person to take on.

The partner who is not ill not only gets shortchanged by whatever impact that disease has on their spouse, but then has the added strain of feeling guilty wanting things when hey, at least they're not the one who is sick.

I think partners who grieve in harmony are those where the ill person is strong enough to acknowledge and validate their partner's grief without making them feel guilty for having it, and the well partner is internally strong enough to admit that it's there and not repress it.

But if this doesn't happen, the grief of the healthy spouse is marginalized and repressed. And as I mentioned in my original response, I think repressed emotion is exactly what an affair is about.

I definitely think the circumstances are far trickier than when all parties are physically well, for sure. But ultimately, people can no more effectively repress their emotion than they can cure themselves of a disease. So I would still say both parties have a responsibility to keep things on the proper path.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

muffy wrote:

mctex
CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes. But I think that individual needs to be fully committed to personal growth in order for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? 100% absolutely not. In fact, I think when someone truly loves someone they can become intimidated by or even a little fearful of losing them, and the cheating is actually about them finding someone that they feel they can somehow be more relaxed with. (Oftentimes because they themselves act more freer with the "other" person, because if that person rejects them, they get to end the affair, which brings an upside of the alleviation of guilt. I hope this makes sense.)

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? 100% emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? Yes. A relationship where both parties have bared their souls and innermost insecurities in the way that one must in order to heal from this kind of experience is the strongest kind of relationship there is... so in that instance, I completely believe with time, everyone can get past it. If the cheater, however, is unwilling to truly change or work with the one cheated on to help him/her get past all of her insecurities, then no.

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

Regarding the last red (let's kick this hot topic up a notch, LOL)... both parties are at fault in an infidelity situation. Granted, the one who stepped out committed the bigger transgression... but in a relationship where two people are properly emotionally connected, one person cannot step out on another person without that other person sensing that something has gone awry. It's up to both parties in a marriage to construct and maintain that emotional connection, and if one of them is growing distant, it's up to the other to hold them accountable to show up once again. Usually, the person getting cheated on either isn't paying enough attention to notice the warning signs, or is paying attention -- but feels so insecure about them that they don't want to broach the topic with their spouse. So given that cheating is also about insecurity, it seems both parties would then be to blame... their insecurity just manifested differently.

uhm, wow texx - you pretty much exactly wrote what i was going to say. i mean exactly. so i wont bother re-typing LOL.

also regarding Melissa's last paragraph - i respectfully disagree with the comment. to me, it sounds like the pov of the person who has been wronged whining "poor me, he cheated on my and i had to make it right by sticking with him" "i made all the efforts by allowing him to stay" etc. but i feel VERY strongly that if a couple are going to make it work, it is a hell of a lot of work on BOTH sides. (and its not a quick fix) honestly, it may very well seem like that is how the wronged person feels at the time - but just because a person decided to take back their cheating partner and make it work does NOT necessarily mean they are the "bigger person" or that they did all the heavy lifting. it might be the opposite - the wronged person might make it REALLY hard for the cheater. hell hath no fury as a woman scorned - right?

i also totally agree with texx that there is probably something not cliqueing - not right - in the emotional aspect of the relationship, and although one partner is more hurt by the infidelity, there are sure to be issues on both sides to be resolved and worked on. an infidelity is the tip of the iceberg, and imo to make it really work, everything below needs to be worked on (and counseling helps - a lot!) the "victim" need to be open to the idea that they have faults/issues/things to work on as well, and they have to be willing to work on it.
melissa - i am very, very sorry your friend is going through this. super sucky beyond belief. hopefully she has a good support system. the only thing i can say is that ultimately, she will have to work through this herself - her situation is totally unique to her specific relationship - there are no right answers she can be given. and a support system she has can be a valuable help to her choosing what path to take and walking it. just be there to listen to her vent. and might caution don't throw too strong opinions out there to either side or the other - because noone knows at this point what will ultimately end up happening to them/their relationship.

Thanks, this is not new. This has been since 2005. So, when I said "I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong." It really has been the case. She has tried everything to keep her marriage in tact and still is. This person tells her that he lover her and wants to be with her, but his actions do not always jive. It is a 25 year marriage. Regardless of what caused him to step outside the marriage, I feel that a person should either choose to be in it or leave. It is very hard to live in limbo. I rather not reveal too much of her life in case she ends up here or something. She is older then I am, obviously, but have known for over 10 years or so. So, I understand what you are saying, but honestly that is not always so.

Honestly, I think he does not want to be alone.

I say very little and she has been living with this for sometime and it is not getting better. It is a awful process that someone goes through when they find out the man in their life of 25 years plus went to someone else. It is not even the sex. I think the sex can be forgotten. It is the fact he shared his life with someone emotionally.

Supafly · Guru

mctex wrote:

Supafly wrote:

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again? Yes, like Michelle said, i think the cheater has to be completely committed to getting to the root of their own issues for that to happen.

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you? No. I think people cheat because they are lacking something in themselves.

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater? I agree with Jen-I think it is highly physical for men (though I think there absolutely an emotional component as to why they cheat) and I think for women it is more emotional.

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in? I think it is possible, definitely. I used to think I would walk, no question, if Bill ever cheated. But I don't think I would anymore. It would depend on a lot of factors. But if the cheater was willing to give up any and all privacy and do the work necessary for the other partner to feel confident in their relationship, I think eventually both people could get past it.

Michelle, I don't think both parties are always at fault. I have thought about this a lot because I had some severe paranoid delusions when I was coming off of prednisone and really thought Bill was cheating. (he wasn't-I also thought some teenage kid at the grocery store was stealing from me, so...you know...I was the one who was nuts) Anyway, maybe in normal circumstances what you say is true, but in situations like my own, we have had months upon months when I could barely take care of myself, let alone pay attention to Bill. Then while on pred, I felt so horrific about myself that I wouldn't let him near me-we went the better part of a year without sex. Even now-not much is happening because it is too hard for me. If Bill cheated on me because of the current circumstance, I would blame him entirely. (let it be known that I do acknowledge and apologize to him for being so unavailable, both emotionally and physically) We took vows to be faithful through sickness and health, so if he couldn't, I would view him as a pretty weak individual. But I would take no responsibility in it. Again though, this is not under normal circumstances. And I do see what you are saying.

I think I disagree. I'm really reluctant to do so, because I recognize it's your personal situation. But I do disagree.

I think that illness is hard. It affects both people in a couple, and both have reason to grieve.

I think that if the couple can find a way to grieve in harmony, the connection remains in absence of the physical relationship. It's really hard for both parties -- particularly the one who is ill -- because not only do they have their illness to contend with, but also need to be strong enough to accept that their partner is grieving that they are not all they had hoped they would be. That's a lot for one person to take on.

The partner who is not ill not only gets shortchanged by whatever impact that disease has on their spouse, but then has the added strain of feeling guilty wanting things when hey, at least they're not the one who is sick.

I think partners who grieve in harmony are those where the ill person is strong enough to acknowledge and validate their partner's grief without making them feel guilty for having it, and the well partner is internally strong enough to admit that it's there and not repress it.

But if this doesn't happen, the grief of the healthy spouse is marginalized and repressed. And as I mentioned in my original response, I think repressed emotion is exactly what an affair is about.

I definitely think the circumstances are far trickier than when all parties are physically well, for sure. But ultimately, people can no more effectively repress their emotion than they can cure themselves of a disease. So I would still say both parties have a responsibility to keep things on the proper path.

I think in theory what you are saying sounds true. But in reality, it is a lot more complicated.

Supafly · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Thanks, this is not new. This has been since 2005. So, when I said "I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong." It really has been the case. She has tried everything to keep her marriage in tact and still is. This person tells her that he lover her and wants to be with her, but his actions do not always jive. It is a 25 year marriage. Regardless of what caused him to step outside the marriage, I feel that a person should either choose to be in it or leave. It is very hard to live in limbo. I rather not reveal too much of her life in case she ends up here or something. She is older then I am, obviously, but have known for over 10 years or so. So, I understand what you are saying, but honestly that is not always so.
Honestly, I think he does not want to be alone.
I say very little and she has been living with this for sometime and it is not getting better. It is a awful process that someone goes through when they find out the man in their life of 25 years plus went to someone else. It is not even the sex. I think the sex can be forgotten. It is the fact he shared his life with someone emotionally.

I'm so sorry, Melissa. It sounds like such a tough situation. I would have such struggles if this were one of my friends. It is so hard to watch a friend go through something like this.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

I personally also think that affairs are not sexual for most people. Sure, they have sex, but I find it is usually they are missing something in their relationship and that other person give it to them.

CheleLyn · Senior Member

CoffeeQueen wrote:

This is directed at no one. I have a friend that is going through this and it brought up some thoughts.

Do you think it is possible for someone to cheat only once and never again?

Do you think that cheating means the person does not love you?

Do you think that cheating is more an emotional or a physical thing for the cheater?

Do you think a women ever truly gets over being cheated on in a relationship that she stays in?

Everyone I know will have different views. I am curious as to what people think.

I do know that somehow and some cruel reason the person cheated on ends up having to do the most work and be the bigger person. It seems so wrong.

HAving not read everyone else's responses, I'll give my opinions based on my situation. Everything I say is based on ME and may or may not be relevent for anyone else and their situation. What I say is in no way an excuse, but some of the conclusions I have come to over the years through therapy and my own enlightenment.

I had SEVERAL affairs on my first husband...you know--the deadbeat jackass. I think for me, a lot of it started way back as a child...when the sexual abuse started around age 5 until I was 13. I was introduced to sex WAY early and learned to base my self worth on whether or not someone wanted to have sex with me. I started having consentual sex at 14....and had multiple partners throughtout high school (don't ask how many bc I really don't know). I had several boyfriends but was a pretty shitty girlfriend, cheated a lot.

When I got out of high school it continued. I was the "other woman" several times. I was never under the delusion that anyone I ever had sex with loved me...I sure as hell didn't love any of them. After I got married the first time, I started having my first affair as a married woman two years in...I think it was a case of he was an ass to me (the verbal/mental/emotional abuse had started), I was getting bored, and I wanted someone to just be nice to me...we had discussed prior to my affair of getting divorced. That affair lasted about a year and a half. Even after I moved out of state, we continued to talk on the phone, but I soon tired of him.

Less than a year after having moved out of state (had been married about 4 years?) I started my next fling. A lot of them were just one time hook-ups, some lasted a few weeks/months...depending if I actually like the fella as a person and not just as someone I was physically attracted to.

That all continued until I left him in 1999. For me, it was just physical, I've always been able to just "shut off" emotionally and I think that came from the abuse that started when I was a child. Sex was just a way to make ME feel better. I actually did try several times to NOT always be looking for someone, but it was like a compulsion, you know, like a drug...I was always looking for someone and at the time it wasn't hard to find someone to mess around with...men are easy.

Since i've been married this time...I can say that i've not messed around on him. I have defiantely had offers when I've been out...opportunity is always there, as is the compulsion, and it can be awful hard to say no. I've learned that one thing I have to do is not put myself in those easy situations.

Can a women ever recover from being cheated on? idk, i think if don cheated on me i'd be super pissed and be out for some serious revenge bc i've had to work really hard at being faithful. I think i would feel like, bc i was up front and open about my past, that it would be a slap in the face if he cheated. Of course the other side of my open and up front about my past is that he is continually suspicious....sometimes it feels like he's waiting for me to ef up. BUT i fully believe that a part of that comes from his first wife having an affair with, and then marrying his best friend (they're no longer friends obviously).

Can a person cheat once then never again? IHNI...I really think it may depend on the person. For me, once I did it the first time and saw how easy it was, plus being unhappy anyway, I was always looking for it, kwim.

Cheating=not loving the spouse/so...no, i dont think thats always the case. for me, the cheating was more about ME and how I felt about ME more than anything else. Yes, the jackass was a POS to me, but I really think that even if he hadnt been I still would have cheated.

emotional v physical...for me, physical, i couldn't ever have cared less if the person i was cheating with cared about ME...hell I didnt care about them--or ME for that matter.

Like i said, What I wrote was about me and MY situation...and yes, I know how I look to people who know my past....but hey, it is what it is. I work hard DAILY to not be that person anymore...and it is HARD, bc some of thoe same insecurities about myself are still there...bc those same compulsions/desires for that "high" are still there. It is hard work. Honestly, even though I've been able to say no, I have wanted to...and if the situation were just right.....It's hard work to be a better person and to keep yourself on a better path when your mind wants you to do something different.

muffy · Guru

chele - firstly (hugs) you have some a long way, babe, and you are a strong woman! i admire that!

secondly, without quoting your entire post, i wholeheartedly agree with your comment that it was all about "me" and that cheating is a selfish act. of course there is relationship breakdown, something missing etc. but in cheating - that is very self centered.

Juanita · Guru

muffy wrote:

chele - firstly (hugs) you have some a long way, babe, and you are a strong woman! i admire that!

secondly, without quoting your entire post, i wholeheartedly agree with your comment that it was all about "me" and that cheating is a selfish act. of course there is relationship breakdown, something missing etc. but in cheating - that is very self centered.

ditto!

Supafly · Guru

muffy wrote:

chele - firstly (hugs) you have some a long way, babe, and you are a strong woman! i admire that!

secondly, without quoting your entire post, i wholeheartedly agree with your comment that it was all about "me" and that cheating is a selfish act. of course there is relationship breakdown, something missing etc. but in cheating - that is very self centered.

Megan-ITA.

As far as I know, I haven't been cheated on, however, I cheated on almost every boyfriend I ever had. It was never about them or how I felt about them. It was about me. I, like Chele, had a very skewed idea of healthy sexual relationships, and I had a lot of other issues as well. It was just a way to dull my pain. When I finally dealt with ME (Bill really pushed me on this front-he has a cut through the BS kind of personality), that all changed. If Bill weren't the man he is and I had never dealt with my own problems (not that I have it all fixed now-I still have some issues I am working out for myself), I have no doubt I would have cheated on Bill not too far into our marriage and I would likely be single right now.