April commented my Facebook about an update so I told her I would post one this morning.

Warning epically long

I am hanging in there. Most of you know this was in fact a long time coming and I spent much of the last few YEARS trying to just keep going and convince myself it would all be ok.  There really wasn't one thing that made me make my decision it was everything compounded and we had been fighting almost nonstop for the last few weeks and I had just had enough.

After a huge fight on Thursday we talked Friday and I told him I was done. I thought we were in an ok place (not ok i guess but a place of mutual understanding) and then Saturday he threatened to kill himself.  That in and of itself is a very long story but the basics is I didn't know anything, he called his sister, who called me and then called the police. I had the whole BPD on my front lawn and they found him in a park near where we used to live.  They took him to the ER for intervention and his sister spent the rest of the day lying to me and told the hospital not to speak to me or allow me access. Then he was discharged a few hours and went back to her house. I have spoken to him since then and saw him briefly but he has not even asked to see the kids all week and he is trying to turn people against me and get them on his side.

The plan for now is that he is going to continue to give me the money I need for the rent and bills. I do not make enough to cover it all myself and I am on a very specific payment plan with pretty much all my utilities and my landlord.  I don't really trust him and am keeping my eyes open for an apartment I can afford on my own.  I really like my job and don't want to have to leave but it is only part time so I am keeping my eyes open on that front too.

The kids are in all different places. Lucas is totally clueless, thankfully he doesn't have any concept of time and doesn't realize he hasn't seen his father in almost a week, he hasn't even asked for him. Nikki is a teenager LOL but suprisingly is with me has no desire to be with her father and is mad at him. She has not yet spoken to him and doesn't really want to right now, she knows everything that went on.  Travis does not know all the details and I am getting him some counseling through school. He is asking questions because the kids accross the street told him the police were at the house (he was not home when that all happened) but I am avoiding them for now until the counselor has a feeling for whether I should tell him the truth or not. Jr. got in a huge fight with his father and ended up thrown out of the house (Quint is staying with the sister that Jr. lived with) they still aren't really talking and he is staying with a friend. I told him to come to my house but he isn't sure if he wants to do that.

Sorry for the length, if you are still reading I am beyond thankful for all the prayers, positive thoughts and messages I have received.  It makes it so much easier to know that I have friends all over the world supporting me.  <3