I am at a really serious bad place

Juanita · Guru

RE: I am at a really serious bad place

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Lizzy wrote:

Gosh, you are in such a hard place. I think counseling is the least he can give you. I understand a low sex drive, but I truly am shocked he thinks what you and him have on an intimate level is ok. I agree counseling for you is good too. You need to talk out your path with someone and making sure you are making decisions with a clear mind.

How would he respond to saying that there are two choices for you right now. That you can leave or he can go to counseling with you. What do you think he would say? I mean I know he gets defensive, but does he seem to at all see your pain or needs. I mean even if I hated sex or had no drive and my spouse was begging for a need to be met it would make me think or try something to make it happen?

it all sounds so shallow when i say it is about lack of sex (don even rolls his eyes when i say i am unhappy and says "is this about sex again?" It is so hard to explain so I "get" why he doesn't understand my pain either.

Most people (him included) think it is entirely about "sex" and that is actually not the case. In some ways, saying it is just about sex makes the pain worse. It is about being wanted and desired by the person you love the most. Idk if you read that article i linked to, but she really sums up the feelings pretty well - especially when she says this:
Sex may not be a need like air, but it is needed. Yes, I can live without sex, I pretty much do, but I don’t live joyfully. It’s gotten harder, not easier to go without for so long. I need sex to live the life I wanted to live, to feel happiness to the potential I have within me, to carry me through life’s challenges and sorrows. I need sex like I need friends and conversation, like I need the sun and spring, like I need books and music. I need sex to make all of those things better, too. Some nights, sex is all I can think about. I ache to be desired and wanted, to give way to joy and abandon. There is no substitute for the moment when your lover reaches out for you with passion, or with love. Trust me on this, there is no substitute.

Oh, I totally understand what you meant. I guess I also meant when you express this pain to him does he even try to work on it? Did you have him read that blog?

I think it is totally normal what you are feeling and it is not shallow or selfish. A marriage is more then just being there. You should feel wanted and desired. I am just sorry you do not feel that from Don.

I honestly hope that you can breath one day and not feel this empty ache.

Tons of hugs and know that there is no judgement from any of us. We are all women and when it comes down to it, we all need or want the same basic things in life. To be loved, wanted and needed. I think when you cut one of those out of your life it leaves you feeling dead inside to some degree.

Lizzy · Guru

Oh, I totally understand what you meant. I guess I also meant when you express this pain to him does he even try to work on it? Did you have him read that blog?
I think it is totally normal what you are feeling and it is not shallow or selfish. A marriage is more then just being there. You should feel wanted and desired. I am just sorry you do not feel that from Don.
I honestly hope that you can breath one day and not feel this empty ache.
Tons of hugs and know that there is no judgement from any of us. We are all women and when it comes down to it, we all need or want the same basic things in life. To be loved, wanted and needed. I think when you cut one of those out of your life it leaves you feeling dead inside to some degree.

thanks melissa!! we didnt' talk much this morning and he left for his show we did not kiss goodby (we normally would). so idk.

mctex · Guru

Lizzy wrote:

Gosh, you are in such a hard place. I think counseling is the least he can give you. I understand a low sex drive, but I truly am shocked he thinks what you and him have on an intimate level is ok. I agree counseling for you is good too. You need to talk out your path with someone and making sure you are making decisions with a clear mind.

How would he respond to saying that there are two choices for you right now. That you can leave or he can go to counseling with you. What do you think he would say? I mean I know he gets defensive, but does he seem to at all see your pain or needs. I mean even if I hated sex or had no drive and my spouse was begging for a need to be met it would make me think or try something to make it happen?

it all sounds so shallow when i say it is about lack of sex (don even rolls his eyes when i say i am unhappy and says "is this about sex again?" It is so hard to explain so I "get" why he doesn't understand my pain either.

Most people (him included) think it is entirely about "sex" and that is actually not the case. In some ways, saying it is just about sex makes the pain worse. It is about being wanted and desired by the person you love the most. Idk if you read that article i linked to, but she really sums up the feelings pretty well - especially when she says this:
Sex may not be a need like air, but it is needed. Yes, I can live without sex, I pretty much do, but I don’t live joyfully. It’s gotten harder, not easier to go without for so long. I need sex to live the life I wanted to live, to feel happiness to the potential I have within me, to carry me through life’s challenges and sorrows. I need sex like I need friends and conversation, like I need the sun and spring, like I need books and music. I need sex to make all of those things better, too. Some nights, sex is all I can think about. I ache to be desired and wanted, to give way to joy and abandon. There is no substitute for the moment when your lover reaches out for you with passion, or with love. Trust me on this, there is no substitute.

Liz, I've been trying to decide where to jump into this conversation, but this seemed like as good a place as any.

When we get married, we do not promise to not socialize with other people. We do not promise to not have fun with other people. We do not promise to not love other people.

When it comes right down to it, this is the *one* thing that we promise not to do with other people. So for him to withhold this from you, or at a minimum not try everything he can to connect with you in this way... he's left this marriage a long time ago. What you are doing now is just a formality. :(

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but so proud of you for taking the high road. Many would not. I did read the article you linked to, and thought it was extremely well written... and all of it is true. In order to be whole, you don't have a choice but to recapture this important part of yourself. It's not "just about sex". You DON'T have a choice.

As others have said, we are here for you. I'm so proud of you. Hang in there, and keep us updated.

Corey · Guru

i wish i had some wonderful advice, but i don't...just know that whatever you decide, we will always be here for you. sending a million hugs, p&pt your way.

happylib · Guru

I don't really have any words of wisdom to add but do agree that happiness does start with yourself and am glad you are taking charge of your happiness. You are beautiful person inside and out, and I hope this journey soon becomes less rocky and painful for you and blossoms into joy and fulfillment. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sunshine · Guru

*hugs*

Having experienced periods of time (a few months straight here or there) when Rob was disinterested and seemed to think that was fine and normal, and seeing what that did to my headspace and to our relationship as a whole, I have a pretty clear idea of how vital a healthy sex life is to marriage. There's so much that blog touched on that is so hard...it's really no way to live, to have a partnership lacking that whole facet of a normal marriage.

I don't think I could stay in a relationship that was toxic to my well-being on a long term basis for whatever reason, and I don't think anyone else should feel like they have to either...but you know that whatever you ultimately decide, whatever you end up doing, we will be here for you.

crystal · Guru

wow, liz. i am so sorry. i am proud of you though. taking this step means that you KNOW that you are worth more than this. you deserve better. maybe don will see that and come around, but if he doesn't then you deserve to be happy without him. i go back and forth on my marriage too, and it is a huge decision to get out. i will be thinking of you *hugs*

Juni · Guru

I have been reading this and meaning to post and I just don't know what to say. It is so much more than the sex. It boils down to your needs not being met and you not being fulfilled. And even though Don says he doesn't see anything wrong, obviously there is. I am so sorry you are dealing with this and have been for so long. I can't imagine.

As women we all go through phases of feeling rejected, unloved, undesired and even when they last for a brief moment, they are hard. I can't imagine that you've had to deal with that on a constant basis for so long. I am just glad that through it you have been able to pull yourself up and realize that it is NOT you and you need to do something to get yourself in a better place.

I imagine it's going to a be a long, tough journey but just know that we are here for you, rooting for you and sending our love and support as much as possible. Do let us know if there is anything we can do to help you through this difficult time. I definitely think that individual counseling would be a great thing. HUGS

gogona · Guru

Liz, I've been reading about you and Don and you totally deserve to be happy, feel loved and desired and have the intimacy in the marriage. I totally understand why you would want to make such a decision, I'm sure it was not easy to make. I want to wish you luck in whatever final decision you make. Remember that we're here to support you in whatever you end up doing. (((hugs)))

Lizzy · Guru

gogona wrote:

Liz, I've been reading about you and Don and you totally deserve to be happy, feel loved and desired and have the intimacy in the marriage. I totally understand why you would want to make such a decision, I'm sure it was not easy to make. I want to wish you luck in whatever final decision you make. Remember that we're here to support you in whatever you end up doing. (((hugs)))

thank you, irina it means so much to me to have this board to come to and have the support. I updated that we are going to try counseling. I pray that this is just the bottom and now we can start building our marriage back up.

gogona · Guru

Lizzy wrote:

gogona wrote:

Liz, I've been reading about you and Don and you totally deserve to be happy, feel loved and desired and have the intimacy in the marriage. I totally understand why you would want to make such a decision, I'm sure it was not easy to make. I want to wish you luck in whatever final decision you make. Remember that we're here to support you in whatever you end up doing. (((hugs)))

thank you, irina it means so much to me to have this board to come to and have the support. I updated that we are going to try counseling. I pray that this is just the bottom and now we can start building our marriage back up.

Liz, I just saw the update. That's great, I'm a big believer in counseling and I wish you both best of luck.