I have a friend on facebook that I have known for 20 years and just recently friended again (she and i worked at Target together - I was pregnant with Andrew at the time). We had conversations and she said she never wanted children. I remember a couple of us were standing around discussing it with her, ie her reasons, etc., but i can't remember them, although her decision was not based on an inability to conceive - in other words, she had no reason to believe she couldn't have children.
you know, to this day, I have always wonderd if she regrets her decision and I think about her life (she is 40) and how she will probably never have children of her own and I get sad for her....but isn't that wrong?
what do you always think (secretly) when someone says they don't want children?
two of my three cousins, they are male, are happily married for many years and they are childless by choice. (they are nearly 40)
their wives are fun and wonderful, they have pets they love and they are active with travelling and my one cousin is a competitive bike racer.
also, our bff couple in lux, the woman is clara's godmom, are in their 40's, together for 20 years, and decided long ago not to have a child. they are very loving to clara, and especially our 2 dogs which they dogsit when we are on vacation.
perhaps i have a different pov because i am very close to these 3 couples for many years,
but i don't think ANYthing bad about their decision.
my cousins will openly talk about the fact that they don't want kids, especially answering rude questions from my 93 year old grandma who is "disappointed in them" (and thinks its the granddaughters in law's fault, not their precious grandsons *eyeroll*).
i truly believe that there are many people who simply do not want to have children. and i see these 3 couples who are really, truly VERY happy with their lives.
imo its not my position to feel bad for them, second guess their decisions for them etc.
yeah i know couples who have chosen not to have children also. my feelings on it are usually "wow, i cant imagine being so sure about ANYTHING" (they just seem sooooooooooo sure ya know???) - i wonder if they will have regrets down the road, but usually their lives are so full in other ways.
It's so hard for me to imagine, but on the other hand it's not about me. I look at it as they know themselves and they know what they feel they can and can not do. I think it's much better for someone to recognize that they have no desire to be a parent then to cave into pressure and be a lousy parent.
ETA: It doesn't mean that someone that wasn't expecting or wanting to have a child that finds themselves as a parent would necessarily mean they would be a lousy parent either.
-- Edited by happylib on Sunday 27th of September 2009 10:32:05 AM
i have friends that have chosen to never have kids. i am actually envious of them at times. they are always travelling (with the craploads of money that they aren't spending on kids ) and doing fun things. i really don't know if they will regret it or not when they get older, but i'm doubting it. they like to devote time to themselves and don't want to take the time and money to raise children. totally understandable to me. it sucks that they won't ever experience the love that one has for their own child, but they do not know what they are missing.
before getting pregnant with mason, i had planned to never have children. now that i know how great it is to have this little guy, i can't imagine what my life would be like without children. also, if i went back in time, i would totally want children after now knowing what joy they bring. however, if i had never had mason i honestly would have no idea what i was missing, and i *believe* i would have been perfectly content without children.
I haven't read all of the responses yet, but I definitely have those feelings too, lol.
My mom always told me that the librarian at her school (she was an elementary school music teacher for most of her life) didn't have kids, but said they regretted not doing so when they got older. But one of Bill's aunts didn't have or want kids and she is happy with that choice.
I never think badly of those who choose not to have kids. Unless they talk smack about parenting a lot, then I want to kick them in the face. But I know it is just as valid a choice as wanting to have them. I mean, we had decided that if I was not able to conceive easily, we would live a childless life before going through major fertility treatments, and I was fine with that. I loved my life and though I KNOW I would have had grief because I really did want kids, I also know I would have found fulfillment in other things. I do agree with Kelly though-I have a friend who has never wanted kids (she is my age-34) but now is wavering. I want to tell her that she had better make up her mind and decide because the fact that most celebs seem fertile into their 40s doesn't mean that is the case for everyone! I hope she doesn't end up regretting it if she doesn't have any-and she was always 100% SURE she would never want to be a mom.
Anyway, I mostly think that they jus don't know what they are missing, and I *do* admit I feel sadness for them that they will not know the kind of love we have experienced as parents. Some people have said they care as much for their animal babies as they would for a human one, and maybe in some rare cases that is true, but I would argue that it just isn't the same thing. And it is completely selfish on my part, because I know these couples have CHOSEN not to have children and they are happy with that choice. I guess I just feel like I am such a better person and my life is so much richer as a result of having a family that I am sad not everyone gets to experience it, kwim? Not that I don't have some envy of those who have the time and money for travel and social lives that we are no longer afforded, lol, but I think for me the sacrifices are more than worth the love.
IDK-I guess what it boils down to (wow this is getting rambly) is that I 100% respect people who choose not to have kids, but part of me feels that they really are missing out on that amazing bond and love you have with your children, and the depth it adds to a marriage. (at least it added depth to my marriage-IDK if that is the case for others)
Bill has a brother who has been married now for 8 years. He will be 39 this fall and his wife will be 37. I know he wants kids, but she is wishy washy about it-and it is KILLING me!!! If she came out and said no way, I am not having kids, I would give up the dream and move on. But she talks enough about having them in the future that I want to just go over to their house and sabotage their birth control, lmao! I am DYING for them to get pregnant, and of course I can't talk about it with them at all...hence I am venting it to you all...
I have a good friend who has opted to have no children. She loves them, is a teacher, watches others, but does not want any. She is totally sure and has gone to counseling,etc. to work through it to make sure it is all for the good reason.
Some people just do not want them and I think that is legit. I mean she is happy, married, etc.
) and doing fun things. i really don't know if they will regret it or not when they get older, but i'm doubting it. they like to devote time to themselves and don't want to take the time and money to raise children. totally understandable to me. it sucks that they won't ever experience the love that one has for their own child, but they do not know what they are missing.
