Lizzy wrote:

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Juni wrote:

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Wow. Weird timing. This is really something I have been thinking about lately because so many of the reasons I chose my husband are now things that are lacking. I don't know how else to put it.

Our faith was probably number one. We shared the same faith (LDS), both wanted to get married in the temple, raise our kids in the church, etc. We are going through a lot right now. I haven't really said anything. He no longer believes in God, and there is a lot of emotions and feelings tied in to his choice not to attend church anymore, and not believe in God. (I know this was not the point of the post but this is where I went with it, sorry!) I'm having a hard time accepting that our future is not the same future we planned/agreed on.

In any event - when I met DH I was somewhat involved with someone else. In our church most guys go on a mission around 19 years old and at that time my "missionary" was away in a different country. We only communicated through letters and we weren't going to see each other for two years. Most people end up breaking up, but at the time I told people I had a boyfriend. Made it easier. However, the attraction between Doug and I was so strong. I liked him immediately and very much. I fell in love with him very quickly. He is hilarious - funniest person I know by a long shot. He made me laugh, always complimented me, was caring and gentle. (He still is ALL of those things without a doubt.)

The thing is - my "missionary" was wonderful too. There wasn't anything wrong with him and in fact, we were a lot more alike than Doug and I are. But the thing was, for whatever reason, I could be myself with Doug more than I could with the other guy. I wasn't embarrassed about anything around him, I could just be me and that was the neatest thing. Maybe it was because I didn't think we'd ever be anything more than a fling and I felt like I had nothing to lose but it was really cool. I still feel that way around him. The fact that we weren't super similar (as far as likes/tastes, etc.) was nice too because I was exposed to different things and learned to like things I otherwise would have never learned about.

So, yeah. I would change my decision even though things are tough right now but it is hard to look back and see that some of the hugest reasons I "chose" him don't really exist anymore.

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oh jen...I had no idea you guys were experiencing this ((hugs)) 

 

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Thank you! I will probably erase it later in case I have nosey family members. :D Honestly, nobody really knows - not his family - which makes it all the more difficult since I feel this burden on my shoulders of keeping up a facade, if that makes sense.

 

Juni wrote:

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Lizzy wrote:

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Juni wrote:

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)

 

-- Edited by Lizzy on Monday 21st of September 2009 06:01:05 PM

Juni wrote:

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Wow. Weird timing. This is really something I have been thinking about lately because so many of the reasons I chose my husband are now things that are lacking. I don't know how else to put it.

Our faith was probably number one. We shared the same faith (LDS), both wanted to get married in the temple, raise our kids in the church, etc. We are going through a lot right now. I haven't really said anything. He no longer believes in God, and there is a lot of emotions and feelings tied in to his choice not to attend church anymore, and not believe in God. (I know this was not the point of the post but this is where I went with it, sorry!) I'm having a hard time accepting that our future is not the same future we planned/agreed on.

In any event - when I met DH I was somewhat involved with someone else. In our church most guys go on a mission around 19 years old and at that time my "missionary" was away in a different country. We only communicated through letters and we weren't going to see each other for two years. Most people end up breaking up, but at the time I told people I had a boyfriend. Made it easier. However, the attraction between Doug and I was so strong. I liked him immediately and very much. I fell in love with him very quickly. He is hilarious - funniest person I know by a long shot. He made me laugh, always complimented me, was caring and gentle. (He still is ALL of those things without a doubt.)

The thing is - my "missionary" was wonderful too. There wasn't anything wrong with him and in fact, we were a lot more alike than Doug and I are. But the thing was, for whatever reason, I could be myself with Doug more than I could with the other guy. I wasn't embarrassed about anything around him, I could just be me and that was the neatest thing. Maybe it was because I didn't think we'd ever be anything more than a fling and I felt like I had nothing to lose but it was really cool. I still feel that way around him. The fact that we weren't super similar (as far as likes/tastes, etc.) was nice too because I was exposed to different things and learned to like things I otherwise would have never learned about.

So, yeah. I would change my decision even though things are tough right now but it is hard to look back and see that some of the hugest reasons I "chose" him don't really exist anymore.

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Jen, I'm sorry   I'll be praying for y'all.  That's so sad to me when someone turns their back on God, it just breaks my heart. 

 

mctex wrote:

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Jen, I'm sorry to hear this.

This is pretty major. It's not like he decided he doesn't want to live in your town anymore... this is pretty far-reaching philosophically, and I feel like not a decision someone makes when they're in a happy place. (Not to start a HT about atheism; just saying that I'm guessing the process that causes someone very religious to give it all up is not because they're overwhelmed by life's joy.)

Have y'all talked about counseling?

(And I'm taking this conversation on a different tangent, so if you don't feel like talking about it, ITTTTTTTU...)

 

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I've thought about counseling. Right now I am talking to my Bishop at church - personal counseling. I haven't gotten to that point of talking about counseling yet. It's still such a shock. ITA with the part about not a decision someone makes while they're in a happy place. (And agree with the addendum, LOL.) The thing about counseling is that so much of it is focused on our specific religion and he doesn't want to talk to anybody in the church (the bishop) and I feel like going to a non-religious counselor doesn't make sense because a big portion of this is rooted in relilgion, kwim? I don't know.

Basically, when I was pregnant with O he was going through a crisis of belief that really stemmed that basically boils down to "how can all these bad things be happening if there is a God?" He was questioning God because of all the bad things. But then it was more like the beliefs of our church and not exactly the existence of God. That is where we left it for the last two years with sporadic talks that didn't go well in between.

Our most recent talk is that he is sure there is no God - his process involves only himself as far as thinking about things. He won't really talk about it. He hates his job, I think he is most DEFINITELY not in a happy place. He is very unhappy with where he is in his career (or lack of), education (lack of), etc., you get the idea.

From my point of view it is so obvious to see that as he has been pulling away from church/God he has continued to be more unhappy, but of course he doesn't see that. I don't know how you point that out to someone. It was very hard for me to go through the end of my pregnancy with Owen and the birth of Owen and feel like there was this miracle happening, all the while DH continued to fall away from his beliefs, etc.

I guess at this point I am working on my own faith and church attendance and praying for him. I don't know if I would be as upset if he felt this way AND was happy, but either way I'd be upset. I don't want to just accept this new "normal" but I don't want to pressure him and disrespect his new beliefs because he is entitled to that. But it doesn't mean it's easy. And like I said before, the fact that nobody in his family knows (and his parents live in the same town) that he isn't active/doesn't believe, whatever makes this so much harder. He doesn't want me to tell - and I won't - but I Just recently told him I won't lie for him anymore. If someone brings something up I won't pretend, kwim?

(And I'm wishing right about now that I had a premium membership...) If you girls who quoted don't mind, will you edit out my portion. I think I am going to delete later JIC there is some family on the internets snooping...

 

Jen, I am so so sorry you are going through this.  I just can't even imagine.  (((hugs)))

He knocked me up.

I can say with absolute certainty that DH and I wouldn't have gotten married except for that one little fact. We stayed together and worked through ALOT of problems because of that little girl. We didn't actually get married until Danielle was 5, so we broke up on and off for 5 years, kind of pushing and pulling each other.

That said, I love him now, and am happy we are married. Sometimes we clash, but I know he loves me, and we work it out. I kind of compare it to an arranged marriage: we grew to really love each other and the life we built together.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if things had turned out differently (gotten married, then had a baby). We've never really had that fun honeymoon period. We also grew up  together, so a lot of our problems were just immaturity.

The things I love about him now are totally different than the things I loved about him then.

Then: He had his own car
Now: He does nice things for me like change the oil in my car

Then: He had great hair
Now: He makes sure to take a shower before coming to bed as a courtesy

In short, I adore him, and we have sort of melted together to make two different people than we would have been apart .

Toni wrote:

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He knocked me up.

I can say with absolute certainty that DH and I wouldn't have gotten married except for that one little fact. We stayed together and worked through ALOT of problems because of that little girl. We didn't actually get married until Danielle was 5, so we broke up on and off for 5 years, kind of pushing and pulling each other.

That said, I love him now, and am happy we are married. Sometimes we clash, but I know he loves me, and we work it out. I kind of compare it to an arranged marriage: we grew to really love each other and the life we built together.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if things had turned out differently (gotten married, then had a baby). We've never really had that fun honeymoon period. We also grew up  together, so a lot of our problems were just immaturity.

The things I love about him now are totally different than the things I loved about him then.

Then: He had his own car
Now: He does nice things for me like change the oil in my car

Then: He had great hair
Now: He makes sure to take a shower before coming to bed as a courtesy

In short, I adore him, and we have sort of melted together to make two different people than we would have been apart .

 

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I LOVE this.

I chose my husband because he was my best friend. We didn't fall in love with birds chirping (maybe for him as he vowed that he wanted to be my friend forever even if we never dated) but I slowly grew to like him more and more and finally couldn't imagine him not being in my life.

Which is why I decided to work with him on his issues and mine as well. We have a solid foundation and as much as I could easily throw it all away and move on, I might as well see what is left and work on it. So far it seems to be working out well. In fact, it is like we are first dating again (which is what I required, we are dating and he must woo me).

Sadly, he isn't in a good place right now and I see that life is stressing him out. His job literally is such a downgrade to what he was doing, he feels like a failure and is quite depressed. I hate to be the pollyana but I had to be for him. Because I wasn't there to fall on when things got tough and I feel bad for that. It is my job as his partner to help him and so I am. Because no matter the job situation, money or finances, things can get better and will get better as long as we have our health and commitment to family.

The best qualities about him are more pronounced now that he almost lost it all. He is more interested in the long haul than ever and is learning to lift himself up by the bootstraps which is an awesome trait that he never had before.

To anyone in the boat with me (aka working on things and giving the good fight) I give hugs and comfort.

Travis was my rebound, lol.  He wasn't supposed to the "the one".

Honestly, I don't remember not knowing I was going to marry him.  The things I adore about him are often the same things that drive me nuts about him.  He is truly one of the most intelligent people I've ever met.  I love I can ask him the most obscure things, and most often, he knows the answer.  He has a near photographic memory.  That can get annoying at the same time.  Sort of along the lines that you are seeking a trivia answer and he can offer you a two hour lesson on any given topic.  I love his professor-nature though.  It makes him-him.

Then, I also loved his body.  That sounds mean that I emphasize then, but I don't have the same body either.  He was a competitive weightlifter about 5 years before he met me until he destroyed his back, and even that five years later he had the most amazing back/shoulders/arms.  Amazing.  He doesn't get to the gym anymore and has lost a good deal of it, but it was an initial attraction.  Though like I said, if he were honest, he'd say the same of me.

I loved and still love that we are perfectly comfortable in silence.  That doesn't mean we live in silence, but we are both introverts and don't "need" constant chattering in cars, etc.  We can be still without thinking that something is wrong with the other person.

I knew he would be a great dad.  On one of our very early dates, he shared how he would never be able to have kids the old fashioned way.  My response in that moment has rung true.  I told him it didn't matter how, he would be an amazing dad.  And he is.  :)