Do you give "pats on the back" ?

CheleLyn · Senior Member

Do you give "pats on the back" ?

Supafly · Guru

Um...no.

I do not expect a pat on the back for doing things I should be doing anyway, and I don't regularly dole out praise to people for doing things they should be doing either.

Not the kids, I mean. I praise them a lot.

And I do try and take notice sometimes when Bill does something without being asked to-because that is a rare thing in this house and I don't want him to think I don't notice.

But an example-one of his jobs is the take out the trash/recycles. He does this twice a week. I do not thank him for doing it-it is his job. We agreed on that. He is also in charge of mowing the grass. I don't thank him for doing that-again, that is an agreed upon job that he does.

In the same way, he doesn't thank me for cleaning his pee off the floor when I clean the bathrooms, and he doesn't thank me for dusting the living room or cleaning anything else. Those are my jobs.

I am also an ISTJ. (Bill is an INTJ) And with a few exceptions, it fits me well, and the INTJ fits Bill well too.

ETA-because of the types of people we are, neither of us really needs or misses that praise. That is not to say we don't appreciate thoughtful words-but if Bill said, "thanks for sweeping the floors today!" I would likely look at him as if he had 3 heads, and then I would wonder why he even noticed and think maybe things were dirtier than I had thought, lmao. Bill needs even less praise/appreciation than I do, so it isn't like he is getting the shaft here or anything. We just aren't that type of people. He praises me a lot about my cooking though-and I do appreciate that. smile

-- Edited by Supafly on Monday 7th of September 2009 01:58:29 PM

apies · Guru

yeah, i pretty much do - at least in the way you have described it.

positive reinforcement goes a long way. i HATE unloading the dishwasher, so when matt does it, i always make sure to thank him.

i teach 17-18 year old kids who are totally irresponsible and a major pita. if i have a kid who chronically forgets his book, i would probably thank him for remembering it today.

:dunno:

apies · Guru

i thought of another example...

in the service industry, i always go out of my way to thank and be kind to people who work in service professions that can be stressful and/or thankless. mcd's drive-thru, whoever rings me up at the grocery store, our waitress, etc.

having worked several of these kinds of jobs, i know how much a kind word can mean to people who are stepped on all day.

Supafly · Guru

apies wrote:

i thought of another example...

in the service industry, i always go out of my way to thank and be kind to people who work in service professions that can be stressful and/or thankless. mcd's drive-thru, whoever rings me up at the grocery store, our waitress, etc.

having worked several of these kinds of jobs, i know how much a kind word can mean to people who are stepped on all day.

Now see in these instances, I am different than I am at home. I think you have to be thankful in these kinds of situations, and I always go out of my way to be friendly and kind to people in service positions. And I would praise the kid who finally remembered his notebook. I always try and find things for which I can praise children.

And if Bill does things that *I* normally do, I praise him, like I said. But to thank him for stuff he is supposed to do anyway? No. We all have our jobs to do around here. But again, we are different people. I don't really require much verbal affirmation, and Bill needs about none, lol.

muffy · Guru

ITA with exactly what Apies posted.

I don't run around 24/7 thanking people, but I do thank Bertrand all the time for doing stuff, and definitely also out in public as Apies mentioned in her second post.

I think it is also a cultural thing - French people are very mannered that they say thank you for EVERYthing... i used to laugh at how Bert would say "merci" at least a hundred times each time he spoke to his parents on the phone, but now am used to it and find myself saying merci or than you very very often.

CheleLyn · Senior Member

apies wrote:

i thought of another example...

in the service industry, i always go out of my way to thank and be kind to people who work in service professions that can be stressful and/or thankless. mcd's drive-thru, whoever rings me up at the grocery store, our waitress, etc.

having worked several of these kinds of jobs, i know how much a kind word can mean to people who are stepped on all day.

Yeah, here I give thanks A LOT...I've been a waitress, and I imagine people who do those kinds of jobs are more understanding of others in those jobs.

but in the family, no I don't give out thanks for doing the things (much)...ex...stepson tidied up in the kitchen (putting dishes in the sink in the dishwasher, wiped off the stove, and wiped down the cabinets) while I was vacuuming in the living room and sweeping the diningroom...he then went and cleaned the hall bathroom. I didn't thank him for doing so, I don't feel like I should NEED to bc he (and everyone else in the family) contribute to those messes (I use the hall bath in the morning for doing my face and hair so I don't wake Dh with the hairdryer but my stuff has a drawer I use).

I also, though, don't expect to be patted on the back for what I do ever single day...then general running of the house, EXCEPT when I am having to clean up messes made by someone else that THEY should not have left, kwim? I don't expect others to pick up after me but I do expect them to pick up after themselves and do their share.

I think I may be sounding ungrateful...but I'm not....I'm just not the maid, ya know.

Supafly · Guru

muffy wrote:

ITA with exactly what Apies posted.

I don't run around 24/7 thanking people, but I do thank Bertrand all the time for doing stuff, and definitely also out in public as Apies mentioned in her second post.

I think it is also a cultural thing - French people are very mannered that they say thank you for EVERYthing... i used to laugh at how Bert would say "merci" at least a hundred times each time he spoke to his parents on the phone, but now am used to it and find myself saying merci or than you very very often.

But I do think there is a difference between saying thank you and offering a pat on the back, kwim? I say thank you to people all.the.time. for things. I thank my parents about a million times for things they do, as well as my ILs. But that isn't really praise to me. Praise to me is a bit more indepth than just saying "thank you." It would be me saying to Bill, "I really appreciate the fact that you noticed the clean laundry needed to be taken up. Thank you for doing that!"

IDK-maybe I am wrong, but I got the feeling from Chele's initial post that she wasn't talking about having good manners here, but more about offering praise to people, which I see as two completely different things.

daisy · Guru

i am always giving pats on the back around the house.
just a little way of saying "i really appreciate the stuff you do, and i know the stuff you do is a pita, so thanks for keeping up with the family."
just a little "token of appreciation" ya know?

sometimes when dh puts out the garbage and i say thanks, he does look at me like i have 3 heads, or says "why the hell are you thanking me" - and i'll just say "bc i appreciate it."

he never thanks me for anything, but whatever...i guess that's not his nature. and this job is traditionally thankless. so i'm committed to NOT spreading the thanklessness.

the other day he actually thanked me for keeping up so well with photographing the kids, and said that without me, we'd have no pics. i REALLY appreciated the acknowledgment (and couldnt resist pointing out that we have NO pics of me consquently).
i'm an INTJ (i think? michelle?)
and yeah i thank a lot outside the house too. but i agree, i dont think it's the same thing as what chele's asking.

Sonya · Guru

I offer pats on the back all the time.

I LOVE being praised and thanked so I figure that other people do to.

It drives me nuts when I am not praised for little things that I should be doing. I'm sure it is just my personality. I praise the kids all the time for working hard or helping out, etc. I thank Mike for the things he does all the time (and just like Kelly's Mike, he looks at me like I have two heads).

supergrover · Guru

Myers-Briggs is so fun when you dive into it. We just did a one day study on communication using our types. It was great.

Anyhow, yes, I absolutely give pats on the back. Whether that be my college students, or my husband. Do I thank him everyday for each and every little chore? No. Do I thank him regularly for that and all he does to help? Absolutely. We have found we both get resentful if we feel the other isn't noticing our efforts, so we make an effort to say thank you a lot.

I can't think of a dinner when whoever cooked wasn't thanked, or when someone cleans the kitchen it is really normal here to hear the other say "that looks awesome babe". I couldn't count the number of times in a day I thank someone for the things they "should" be doing, because I genuinely am thankful that they are done.

That's just us. I'm an INFJ... with a big fat F :)

Edited to correct spelling. Seriously, wtf is wrong with my typing. Ugh.

-- Edited by supergrover on Monday 7th of September 2009 03:22:24 PM

Sonya · Guru

Oh, and I'm a ESFP.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

yes, pretty much always with my Rich. He helps out a lot and we do equal work. We both thank each other for the small things we do daily.

I do not think I go as far as every time he picks up a sock, but if he cleaned up the kitchen I say thanks.

I think it works both ways. If you thank someone, they are more apt to thank you and appreciate what you do. They also are more willing to lend a hand and feel wanted and needed.

happylib · Guru

We do. I think it's a good thing to do and here is why. I think that it sets a good example for Elizabeth that whoever her partner is in life, she should be appreciated and respected. I think it helps resentment from growing in marriages about not being appreciated or recognized as a contributing partner. I also think it directs the focus to the positive and not the negative. When I learned to be grateful and appreciative of the little things and expected things in life, it opened up more room for those positive things to enter into my life. I can not remember what my personality type was.

Lizzy · Guru

yes...we do. For example, I like that my dh will acknowledge how hard I work at keeping the house clean and I like to make sure he knows how much I appreciate how much he works at doing stuff around the house, ie. remodeling.

I do understand what you are saying, however. Most of the time, I think if we say "thank you" to someone for doing something it seems like we are taking away their ownership, kwim? Maybe a different phrase might help and give the person a sense of pride for helping. Like, "oooh I like the way you put the dishes away" or something similar. Idk

Supafly · Guru

Chele, based on the responses here, I think this is largely a personality thing.

Bill doesn't get at all why people need so much praise and appreciation for things that they do (and things they are supposed to be doing in particular-like anything relating to house cleanup), and he doesn't get in the slightest why a woman (or anyone else, for that matter) needs to hear praise for anything and how that would make an impact on their person. As a general rule, due to the way his personality is, he feels like if someone needs constant praise and ego boosting, it is a flaw of theirs.

I do get it completely why people need praise and how much it helps. Even though it doesn't come naturally to me to praise of pretty straightforward things, like picking up after yourself, I do try very hard to praise the kids, and some other people in my life whom I know require it. I don't bother with Bill, obviously, lmao. But while I get the need for it, I don't need much of it for myself-it is just a complete personality thing. I don't feel the exact same that Bill does about it, but I will say that my dad needs near constant praise and words of affirmation, and tbh, I often think of him as weak as a result of that. I know he *isn't*, but it is hard for me not to feel that way when he fishes for compliments all of the time-and I do mean all.of.the.time. But he is pretty extreme. I definitely could not in a million, bazillion years, be married to someone who needed that.

Anyway, I think our personalities are largely at play in this...

ETA-I am sure you feel this way too, Chele, but I do want to say also that because Bill and I don't praise each other much about everyday things does not mean we don't appreciate each other and what we do. We both know that we appreciate each other (we do once in a while discuss this, in case you are wondering how we know, not to mention we are just more non-verbal about most things), we just don't feel the need to say it all that often. I do think it can be difficult for people (like my dad) who require a lot of praise to understand where we are coming from, but it isn't a negative thing. It is just different.

-- Edited by Supafly on Monday 7th of September 2009 07:53:04 PM

CheleLyn · Senior Member

Supafly wrote:

Chele, based on the responses here, I think this is largely a personality thing.

Bill doesn't get at all why people need so much praise and appreciation for things that they do (and things they are supposed to be doing in particular-like anything relating to house cleanup), and he doesn't get in the slightest why a woman (or anyone else, for that matter) needs to hear praise for anything and how that would make an impact on their person. As a general rule, due to the way his personality is, he feels like if someone needs constant praise and ego boosting, it is a flaw of theirs.

I do get it completely why people need praise and how much it helps. Even though it doesn't come naturally to me to praise of pretty straightforward things, like picking up after yourself, I do try very hard to praise the kids, and some other people in my life whom I know require it. I don't bother with Bill, obviously, lmao. But while I get the need for it, I don't need much of it for myself-it is just a complete personality thing. I don't feel the exact same that Bill does about it, but I will say that my dad needs near constant praise and words of affirmation, and tbh, I often think of him as weak as a result of that. But he is pretty extreme. I definitely could not in a million, bazillion years, be married to someone who needed that.

Anyway, I think our personalities are largely at play in this...

__________________________________________________

red: that made me lol bc don has often said that sometimes when i'm thanking him or one of the older kids for doing something i think they should do anyway, i sound a little patronizing, and i guess in a way, while even I like the occasional ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that I am appreciated, it make me feel very uncomfortable to receive thanks---especially when it begins to get profuse (even when it's something I've made like a blanket or something, I really like when what i make is liked but it makes me uncomfortable to get too much praise for it, kwim)...even if its cooking or something crazy like vacuuming---which btw is done in a very methodical way so nobody else really likes to even try it, however i have made great strides in TRYING to give thanks when some does vac bc I KNOW they worry about if its done "right"--no vac tracks (crazy i know)

For me personally, I feel more appreciation for what I do when someone just does something without my asking, ya know, taking the initiative---mom's been really busy, I'll run a load of towels or vac, or tidy up the living room or kitchen.

as for actually showing my appreciation for others, it's very hard for me to say it, but i feel like by my contiueally do what i do, it shows i love them. my having a snack ready for the kids when they get home from school or having supper ready when dh gets home from work shows that i understand what he does all day an di appreciate it. And quite honestly, i do sometimes feel how you said Bill feel...like it's a flaw to be in constant need of praise.

does any of that make sense...there's more I could say but someone has asked me 50 million times in the last 2 minutes if I will tuck him in lol

Supafly · Guru

CheleLyn wrote:

Supafly wrote:

Chele, based on the responses here, I think this is largely a personality thing.

Bill doesn't get at all why people need so much praise and appreciation for things that they do (and things they are supposed to be doing in particular-like anything relating to house cleanup), and he doesn't get in the slightest why a woman (or anyone else, for that matter) needs to hear praise for anything and how that would make an impact on their person. As a general rule, due to the way his personality is, he feels like if someone needs constant praise and ego boosting, it is a flaw of theirs.

I do get it completely why people need praise and how much it helps. Even though it doesn't come naturally to me to praise of pretty straightforward things, like picking up after yourself, I do try very hard to praise the kids, and some other people in my life whom I know require it. I don't bother with Bill, obviously, lmao. But while I get the need for it, I don't need much of it for myself-it is just a complete personality thing. I don't feel the exact same that Bill does about it, but I will say that my dad needs near constant praise and words of affirmation, and tbh, I often think of him as weak as a result of that. But he is pretty extreme. I definitely could not in a million, bazillion years, be married to someone who needed that.

Anyway, I think our personalities are largely at play in this...

__________________________________________________

red: that made me lol bc don has often said that sometimes when i'm thanking him or one of the older kids for doing something i think they should do anyway, i sound a little patronizing, and i guess in a way, while even I like the occasional ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that I am appreciated, it make me feel very uncomfortable to receive thanks---especially when it begins to get profuse (even when it's something I've made like a blanket or something, I really like when what i make is liked but it makes me uncomfortable to get too much praise for it, kwim)...even if its cooking or something crazy like vacuuming---which btw is done in a very methodical way so nobody else really likes to even try it, however i have made great strides in TRYING to give thanks when some does vac bc I KNOW they worry about if its done "right"--no vac tracks (crazy i know)

For me personally, I feel more appreciation for what I do when someone just does something without my asking, ya know, taking the initiative---mom's been really busy, I'll run a load of towels or vac, or tidy up the living room or kitchen.

as for actually showing my appreciation for others, it's very hard for me to say it, but i feel like by my contiueally do what i do, it shows i love them. my having a snack ready for the kids when they get home from school or having supper ready when dh gets home from work shows that i understand what he does all day an di appreciate it. And quite honestly, i do sometimes feel how you said Bill feel...like it's a flaw to be in constant need of praise.

does any of that make sense...there's more I could say but someone has asked me 50 million times in the last 2 minutes if I will tuck him in lol

OMG Yes, ITTTTTTTTU. Like you, I feel like it is nice to be acknowledged, but I get very uncomfortable when praise is showered on me. I tend to go all out for parties and such, and people will gush about things, and I start feeling awkward about it, tbh. (not really in the internet setting because there is so much lost in the medium, but in person when people go on and on and I am just standing there in the center of everyone's attention, I feel very out of place) I know some people do that because it is *their* way, but it is not at all mine. I don't do things like that for the praise, kwim?

And ITTTTTTA about initiative. Recently on a Friday night when we were over at the farm, my girls were in the TV room playing while I was helping get the pizzas made, and Bill was late, so he wasn't there. Anyway, when I went back to tell the girls that the pizza was ready, they had already cleaned up on their own!!! I was soooooo proud of them for cleaning all of the toys without being asked, and knowing they would have to do it at some point anyway. I definitely gushed on them about that.

You know, my dad GUSHES on my kids about the most random, silly things. Like Anna riding a big wheel at the park today-she knows how to ride a big wheel, she has known how to ride a big wheel, riding a big wheel is nothing new or out of the ordinary for her. But the way my dad was going on and on and on about it, you would have thought she had JUST mastered it today. Tbh, I was embarassed by it. It was SO over the top. But again, he is that way. I swear, the man will watch you take a bite of something he cooked (and he has ALWAYS been this way-Bill and I have joked about it for years), and as you chomp down for the first time, he will be asking you how it is. He CRAVES compliments. I hate it. It makes being around him for any length of time very irritating for me.

Anyway, ITU. I show my appreciation in other ways more so than verbally. Because to me (and for me, when others are doing things for me), those things are more meaningful.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Supafly wrote:

CheleLyn wrote:

Supafly wrote:

Chele, based on the responses here, I think this is largely a personality thing.

Bill doesn't get at all why people need so much praise and appreciation for things that they do (and things they are supposed to be doing in particular-like anything relating to house cleanup), and he doesn't get in the slightest why a woman (or anyone else, for that matter) needs to hear praise for anything and how that would make an impact on their person. As a general rule, due to the way his personality is, he feels like if someone needs constant praise and ego boosting, it is a flaw of theirs.

I do get it completely why people need praise and how much it helps. Even though it doesn't come naturally to me to praise of pretty straightforward things, like picking up after yourself, I do try very hard to praise the kids, and some other people in my life whom I know require it. I don't bother with Bill, obviously, lmao. But while I get the need for it, I don't need much of it for myself-it is just a complete personality thing. I don't feel the exact same that Bill does about it, but I will say that my dad needs near constant praise and words of affirmation, and tbh, I often think of him as weak as a result of that. But he is pretty extreme. I definitely could not in a million, bazillion years, be married to someone who needed that.

Anyway, I think our personalities are largely at play in this...

__________________________________________________

red: that made me lol bc don has often said that sometimes when i'm thanking him or one of the older kids for doing something i think they should do anyway, i sound a little patronizing, and i guess in a way, while even I like the occasional ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that I am appreciated, it make me feel very uncomfortable to receive thanks---especially when it begins to get profuse (even when it's something I've made like a blanket or something, I really like when what i make is liked but it makes me uncomfortable to get too much praise for it, kwim)...even if its cooking or something crazy like vacuuming---which btw is done in a very methodical way so nobody else really likes to even try it, however i have made great strides in TRYING to give thanks when some does vac bc I KNOW they worry about if its done "right"--no vac tracks (crazy i know)

For me personally, I feel more appreciation for what I do when someone just does something without my asking, ya know, taking the initiative---mom's been really busy, I'll run a load of towels or vac, or tidy up the living room or kitchen.

as for actually showing my appreciation for others, it's very hard for me to say it, but i feel like by my contiueally do what i do, it shows i love them. my having a snack ready for the kids when they get home from school or having supper ready when dh gets home from work shows that i understand what he does all day an di appreciate it. And quite honestly, i do sometimes feel how you said Bill feel...like it's a flaw to be in constant need of praise.

does any of that make sense...there's more I could say but someone has asked me 50 million times in the last 2 minutes if I will tuck him in lol

OMG Yes, ITTTTTTTTU. Like you, I feel like it is nice to be acknowledged, but I get very uncomfortable when praise is showered on me. I tend to go all out for parties and such, and people will gush about things, and I start feeling awkward about it, tbh. (not really in the internet setting because there is so much lost in the medium, but in person when people go on and on and I am just standing there in the center of everyone's attention, I feel very out of place) I know some people do that because it is *their* way, but it is not at all mine. I don't do things like that for the praise, kwim?

And ITTTTTTA about initiative. Recently on a Friday night when we were over at the farm, my girls were in the TV room playing while I was helping get the pizzas made, and Bill was late, so he wasn't there. Anyway, when I went back to tell the girls that the pizza was ready, they had already cleaned up on their own!!! I was soooooo proud of them for cleaning all of the toys without being asked, and knowing they would have to do it at some point anyway. I definitely gushed on them about that.

You know, my dad GUSHES on my kids about the most random, silly things. Like Anna riding a big wheel at the park today-she knows how to ride a big wheel, she has known how to ride a big wheel, riding a big wheel is nothing new or out of the ordinary for her. But the way my dad was going on and on and on about it, you would have thought she had JUST mastered it today. Tbh, I was embarassed by it. It was SO over the top. But again, he is that way. I swear, the man will watch you take a bite of something he cooked (and he has ALWAYS been this way-Bill and I have joked about it for years), and as you chomp down for the first time, he will be asking you how it is. He CRAVES compliments. I hate it. It makes being around him for any length of time very irritating for me.

Anyway, ITU. I show my appreciation in other ways more so than verbally. Because to me (and for me, when others are doing things for me), those things are more meaningful.

I bet Bill would like a few pats on the arse though :)

drichards · Member

Hi CheleLyn- I'm new here! But no, I'd think if the person is a mature adult then they don't need pats on the back for doing responsible things..If I want to encourage someone I might thank them for doing something so it gets recognized- like cooking the dinner, etc. but it really just depends..
Also, if I'm dealing with kids of course they're not going to understand the things they SHOULD be doing as part of their responsibility quite yet so I would always commend and make notice of their results until they've taken the task or whatever on as their own responsibility..

Hope my point of view helps! blankstare