Bad marriages and children

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Bad marriages and children

Supafly · Guru

I have a friend who is in an unhappy marriage. I am sure I have talked about her before, but the basics are that she got pregnant accidentally on purpose with their son, after he said he didn't want children (she said he had agreed to having children prior to them getting married, so too bad for him basically). Needless to say, that caused a lot of problems. They have had a lot of ups and downs, their low point being him having her arrested in front of their son (he is 4 months older than Anna) because they had a fight and she slapped him.

She wants another baby, and he had agreed to try again. She said they have some joy in their marriage, but it is mostly unhappy. However, she said she can not fathom having to share her son and not have him with her 100% of the time, and as such, she will stay in a marriage that otherwise should have dissolved. IHNI how her husband feels about it, but that is her reasoning. She knows they will never have the happiness they could with other people, but she is willing to stick it out with him and live basically a loveless life for herself so that she doesn't have to share custody of her son, and perhaps a future child. (oh, and she had a very large cyst removed from one of her ovaries, which was the push they needed to discuss having another baby. The idea of another baby is mostly to benefit their son, so that he does not grow up as an only child in a house where mom and dad are only in it for show)

It isn't ideal. It isn't pretty. It isn't something I want my friend to settle for, but it is their life and their decision. I wish she could go back in time, and rather than get pregnant with her husband, leave then and find someone with whom she could really build a life. But she didn't do that. She thought he would come around (and he has about his son-he is a very good father in that regard), she thought it would bring them together, and she was already past her "deadline" for having kids when she got pregnant, so she didn't want to wait longer to find another partner. Were all of her reasons good ones? No, they absolutely weren't. But while *I* personally think they would all be better off, including their son, if they were truly happy, this is what they have decided to live with. They are in counselling, and I respect that. More than anything, I just feel sad for them that their lives together didn't go the way they had hoped and planned.

But I really don't KNOW how it affects the kids. I don't think living in a volatile environment like that is good for children, but who am I to say it would be better if they were apart? Anyway you slice it, it is a sad situation-I respect them for trying to make the best of it, honestly. And in their circumstance, I even support them having another child. I think it will be good for their son not to be alone in the family, so to speak, if their marriage stays the same or gets worse again.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Supafly wrote:

I have a friend who is in an unhappy marriage. I am sure I have talked about her before, but the basics are that she got pregnant accidentally on purpose with their son, after he said he didn't want children (she said he had agreed to having children prior to them getting married, so too bad for him basically). Needless to say, that caused a lot of problems. They have had a lot of ups and downs, their low point being him having her arrested in front of their son (he is 4 months older than Anna) because they had a fight and she slapped him.

She wants another baby, and he had agreed to try again. She said they have some joy in their marriage, but it is mostly unhappy. However, she said she can not fathom having to share her son and not have him with her 100% of the time, and as such, she will stay in a marriage that otherwise should have dissolved. IHNI how her husband feels about it, but that is her reasoning. She knows they will never have the happiness they could with other people, but she is willing to stick it out with him and live basically a loveless life for herself so that she doesn't have to share custody of her son, and perhaps a future child. (oh, and she had a very large cyst removed from one of her ovaries, which was the push they needed to discuss having another baby. The idea of another baby is mostly to benefit their son, so that he does not grow up as an only child in a house where mom and dad are only in it for show)

It isn't ideal. It isn't pretty. It isn't something I want my friend to settle for, but it is their life and their decision. I wish she could go back in time, and rather than get pregnant with her husband, leave then and find someone with whom she could really build a life. But she didn't do that. She thought he would come around (and he has about his son-he is a very good father in that regard), she thought it would bring them together, and she was already past her "deadline" for having kids when she got pregnant, so she didn't want to wait longer to find another partner. Were all of her reasons good ones? No, they absolutely weren't. But while *I* personally think they would all be better off, including their son, if they were truly happy, this is what they have decided to live with. They are in counselling, and I respect that. More than anything, I just feel sad for them that their lives together didn't go the way they had hoped and planned.

But I really don't KNOW how it affects the kids. I don't think living in a volatile environment like that is good for children, but who am I to say it would be better if they were apart? Anyway you slice it, it is a sad situation-I respect them for trying to make the best of it, honestly. And in their circumstance, I even support them having another child. I think it will be good for their son not to be alone in the family, so to speak, if their marriage stays the same or gets worse again.

I am sure there are a million and one stories out there. That is very sad for your friend and so sad for their children or child.

I see it first hand working in a school. It does not benefit the children. They are the ones who grow older have scars that cannot be healed. They do not know what healthy relationships are and it makes me so sad.

I know there is not always a black and white answer, but honestly children are never the answer. I think all of us know the stress young children actually bring to a marriage. I understand if you have children and your marriage goes bad or something happens, but I can never understand how you can knowingly bring another child into it for what I fell are selfish reason. I am sure those who who are doing it can justify it and say it is not selfish.

I wondered what people think. Do you think it is usually that they feel it will bring them closer?

Supafly · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Supafly wrote:

I am sure there are a million and one stories out there. That is very sad for your friend and so sad for their children or child.

I see it first hand working in a school. It does not benefit the children. They are the ones who grow older have scars that cannot be healed. They do not know what healthy relationships are and it makes me so sad.

I know there is not always a black and white answer, but honestly children are never the answer. I think all of us know the stress young children actually bring to a marriage. I understand if you have children and your marriage goes bad or something happens, but I can never understand how you can knowingly bring another child into it for what I fell are selfish reason. I am sure those who who are doing it can justify it and say it is not selfish.

I wondered what people think. Do you think it is usually that they feel it will bring them closer?

I guess that many people think it will. It seems that way to me, at least. But I don't agree with that, of course. Having had one and then now having two, I know that for us, having two has made life a lot more challenging. It more than doubled the workload, and it has been a lot harder for us to find time together. We have to work a lot harder to keep our marriage strong than we ever did when it was just Anna, and we feel like we each feel like we married our best friend! I can't imagine having a new baby in a relationship that wasn't happy. I think it would bring me intense sadness.

I have always felt that what my friend did was wrong. While she had the right to be upset that he had changed his mind about having children, she didn't have the right to make the decision for him like she did, and that was a huge mistake. Her need to have a child definitely was a self-serving one, and it ultimately was the most major factor in the deterioration of her marriage. Obviously, things weren't fantastic before they had kids, if they were in such disagreement about the issue, but they went from bad to worse pretty quick after that. Sad.

Dddiii · Guru

I think it all depends on how you define a bad marriage.

Have I ever said my marriage sucks? Hell yeah. Did we work through it and end up on an upswing again? Yes and we're still there smile

. Will we end up on the down portion of the relationship rollercoaster again? Probably.

So this line is throwing me off a bit: "I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids. "

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Dddiii wrote:

I think it all depends on how you define a bad marriage.

Have I ever said my marriage sucks? Hell yeah. Did we work through it and end up on an upswing again? Yes and we're still there . Will we end up on the down portion of the relationship rollercoaster again? Probably.

So this line is throwing me off a bit: "I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids. "

I think to me having a bump in a marriage is one thing. To say you have a bad marriage or how I said it by using suck is another. I think people know when they have a bad marriage. I am not saying I am the one judging and saying they have a bad marriage. These are people that have told me on many different times the problems they have and they are not happy or they are always fighting. To me a marriage that spends more time on the down swing then the up is a bad marriage. We all have ups and downs and we are all human. Power to those who work to keep their marriage strong and work through issues. However, there are many that I witness that do not work on it and bring kids into it. They often are so amazed that their children even know. Then when they are brought into the school and told their child is having issues or grades are dropping, etc. They cannot believe it has anything to do with them. If they are not happy and fighting, what makes them think the children are happy?

I guess I am just trying to figure out the why in all of it. Why do they keep expanding a family that is in constant turmoil?

Kids know way more then what parents either want to admit they know or think they know. They go to bed and internalize it and think it is them or if they did something. I talk to them every flippen day and it makes me sad.

Juni · Guru

Dddiii wrote:

I think it all depends on how you define a bad marriage.

Have I ever said my marriage sucks? Hell yeah. Did we work through it and end up on an upswing again? Yes and we're still there . Will we end up on the down portion of the relationship rollercoaster again? Probably.

So this line is throwing me off a bit: "I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids. "

Honestly, we all have our sucky times but I think it is when the general tone of the marriage is mostly bad and the few and far between times are "happy", kwim? Anyway, that is what I got out of what she said. Bad marriage (IMO) = mostly bad most of the time, not the normal ups and downs that all marriages go through.

Juni · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Supafly wrote:

I have a friend who is in an unhappy marriage. I am sure I have talked about her before, but the basics are that she got pregnant accidentally on purpose with their son, after he said he didn't want children (she said he had agreed to having children prior to them getting married, so too bad for him basically). Needless to say, that caused a lot of problems. They have had a lot of ups and downs, their low point being him having her arrested in front of their son (he is 4 months older than Anna) because they had a fight and she slapped him.

She wants another baby, and he had agreed to try again. She said they have some joy in their marriage, but it is mostly unhappy. However, she said she can not fathom having to share her son and not have him with her 100% of the time, and as such, she will stay in a marriage that otherwise should have dissolved. IHNI how her husband feels about it, but that is her reasoning. She knows they will never have the happiness they could with other people, but she is willing to stick it out with him and live basically a loveless life for herself so that she doesn't have to share custody of her son, and perhaps a future child. (oh, and she had a very large cyst removed from one of her ovaries, which was the push they needed to discuss having another baby. The idea of another baby is mostly to benefit their son, so that he does not grow up as an only child in a house where mom and dad are only in it for show)

It isn't ideal. It isn't pretty. It isn't something I want my friend to settle for, but it is their life and their decision. I wish she could go back in time, and rather than get pregnant with her husband, leave then and find someone with whom she could really build a life. But she didn't do that. She thought he would come around (and he has about his son-he is a very good father in that regard), she thought it would bring them together, and she was already past her "deadline" for having kids when she got pregnant, so she didn't want to wait longer to find another partner. Were all of her reasons good ones? No, they absolutely weren't. But while *I* personally think they would all be better off, including their son, if they were truly happy, this is what they have decided to live with. They are in counselling, and I respect that. More than anything, I just feel sad for them that their lives together didn't go the way they had hoped and planned.

But I really don't KNOW how it affects the kids. I don't think living in a volatile environment like that is good for children, but who am I to say it would be better if they were apart? Anyway you slice it, it is a sad situation-I respect them for trying to make the best of it, honestly. And in their circumstance, I even support them having another child. I think it will be good for their son not to be alone in the family, so to speak, if their marriage stays the same or gets worse again.

I am sure there are a million and one stories out there. That is very sad for your friend and so sad for their children or child.

I see it first hand working in a school. It does not benefit the children. They are the ones who grow older have scars that cannot be healed. They do not know what healthy relationships are and it makes me so sad.

I know there is not always a black and white answer, but honestly children are never the answer. I think all of us know the stress young children actually bring to a marriage. I understand if you have children and your marriage goes bad or something happens, but I can never understand how you can knowingly bring another child into it for what I fell are selfish reason. I am sure those who who are doing it can justify it and say it is not selfish.

I wondered what people think. Do you think it is usually that they feel it will bring them closer?

Melissa - ITTTTTTTTTTU. I work in a school and primarily work with the parents as a social worker (though I'm not a licensed social worker.) Anyway, it completely boggles my mind seeing these parents have more and more children and bring them into such volatile situations and very obviously bad marriages. I don't get it and don't know that I ever will.

One of my best friends is in a very tough marriage. I don't know why she stays but I am assuming it is the empty promises and not wanting to be "divorced" or break up the family - she has four kids. In some situations I think that women hope that a new baby will be the thing that is missing but I don't think it ever is.

I think that a lot of times it is done selfishly. I don't think it's necessarily right to bring a child into a "bad" marriage but the feeling of having children is pretty rewarding and I would venture that people are trying to fill a void from their not so great marriage. It doesn't make sense to me, so I'm just guessing.

Juni · Guru

Melissa - the "why" part of my job in regards to working with so many families used to be so hard. I have really had to make myself stop asking why because it would frustrate and infuriate me so much because it just never made sense. I guess in some ways you have to just tell yourself that you don't know all the ins and outs and on the other hand you just have to realize it just might not make sense.

And totally random - you know even when things are terrible in my life (that term is relative because my life is not terrible) it seems like my kids always bring a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment so I guess in that sense I can see why someone might think that having more children would be a good thing to do even if their marriage is not good.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Juni wrote:

Melissa - the "why" part of my job in regards to working with so many families used to be so hard. I have really had to make myself stop asking why because it would frustrate and infuriate me so much because it just never made sense. I guess in some ways you have to just tell yourself that you don't know all the ins and outs and on the other hand you just have to realize it just might not make sense.

And totally random - you know even when things are terrible in my life (that term is relative because my life is not terrible) it seems like my kids always bring a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment so I guess in that sense I can see why someone might think that having more children would be a good thing to do even if their marriage is not good.

I know. I do not even work in a tough school system. It is private and wealthy, but sometimes that can be even worse.

I totally understand that children are rewarding adn bring that fulfillment. However, people need to find other ways to feel fulfilled and not use humans to do so. That is just IMO. I know I am not perfect or even close, but protecting my children is numero uno and I feel so many women are doing the exact opposite by bringing children into these situations.

Michele · Senior Member

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Dddiii wrote:

I think it all depends on how you define a bad marriage.

Have I ever said my marriage sucks? Hell yeah. Did we work through it and end up on an upswing again? Yes and we're still there . Will we end up on the down portion of the relationship rollercoaster again? Probably.

So this line is throwing me off a bit: "I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids. "

I think to me having a bump in a marriage is one thing. To say you have a bad marriage or how I said it by using suck is another. I think people know when they have a bad marriage. I am not saying I am the one judging and saying they have a bad marriage. These are people that have told me on many different times the problems they have and they are not happy or they are always fighting. To me a marriage that spends more time on the down swing then the up is a bad marriage. We all have ups and downs and we are all human. Power to those who work to keep their marriage strong and work through issues. However, there are many that I witness that do not work on it and bring kids into it. They often are so amazed that their children even know. Then when they are brought into the school and told their child is having issues or grades are dropping, etc. They cannot believe it has anything to do with them. If they are not happy and fighting, what makes them think the children are happy?

I guess I am just trying to figure out the why in all of it. Why do they keep expanding a family that is in constant turmoil?

Kids know way more then what parents either want to admit they know or think they know. They go to bed and internalize it and think it is them or if they did something. I talk to them every flippen day and it makes me sad.

This is soooo true. I'm very close to a situation like this right now and it makes me furious that this mother does not think her childs acting out has to do with behavior and actions seen between mom and dad in the home.

I am with you on this topic. If the situation in the home is unhappy for the spouses then it stands to say that bringing a child into it is not going to help them.

Dddiii · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Dddiii wrote:

I think it all depends on how you define a bad marriage.

Have I ever said my marriage sucks? Hell yeah. Did we work through it and end up on an upswing again? Yes and we're still there . Will we end up on the down portion of the relationship rollercoaster again? Probably.

So this line is throwing me off a bit: "I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids. "

I think to me having a bump in a marriage is one thing. To say you have a bad marriage or how I said it by using suck is another. I think people know when they have a bad marriage. I am not saying I am the one judging and saying they have a bad marriage. These are people that have told me on many different times the problems they have and they are not happy or they are always fighting. To me a marriage that spends more time on the down swing then the up is a bad marriage. We all have ups and downs and we are all human. Power to those who work to keep their marriage strong and work through issues. However, there are many that I witness that do not work on it and bring kids into it. They often are so amazed that their children even know. Then when they are brought into the school and told their child is having issues or grades are dropping, etc. They cannot believe it has anything to do with them. If they are not happy and fighting, what makes them think the children are happy?

I guess I am just trying to figure out the why in all of it. Why do they keep expanding a family that is in constant turmoil?

Kids know way more then what parents either want to admit they know or think they know. They go to bed and internalize it and think it is them or if they did something. I talk to them every flippen day and it makes me sad.

I do understand what you are saying but again, who is to judge what a bad marriage is? Sorry, but "most of the time bad" doesn't cut it for me. What is "bad"? There are so many different ways that people live within a marriage so I'm just not sure what the ideal one, in your opinion, is.

I do apologize if my post seems rude but I'm just not comfortable with the original tone of your email at all. This is probably why I usually stay (and should have stayed) out of HT.

And on the other side, I do see your point and now have to sit here and wonder if my marriage is healthy enough or if, for yet another reason (because we all know how all problems are caused by one's mother), I am screwing up my child by choosing to make my marriage work. How long do I have before I've permanently scarred my child? And am I on that other side of the line where I'm one of the "bad moms" who chose to have another child?

It just gets me heated. And honestly, I really am happy that you feel you have such a healthy happy marriage but I know many many people that have, at some point or another, said their marriage sucks. And then they woke up and it was a new day, and hopefully a new attitude. For some people, it's just easier to say it this way than "we are having issues".

Dddiii · Guru

And again, I do apologize because I know my post was not exactly, well, nice. But it was honest.

Obviously it touched a nerve. Considering I posted one month before I got preggers that Mike and I were having issues, I can't see how it wouldn't.

Bowing out now. No need for preggo hormones here.

And I do appreciate that you are all champions for our children. We need people like you out there.

I'm just a mom trying every day to do my best to raise my child in the best way I can. Without a manual, or instructions from the universe.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Dddiii wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Dddiii wrote:

I think it all depends on how you define a bad marriage.

Have I ever said my marriage sucks? Hell yeah. Did we work through it and end up on an upswing again? Yes and we're still there . Will we end up on the down portion of the relationship rollercoaster again? Probably.

So this line is throwing me off a bit: "I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids. "

I think to me having a bump in a marriage is one thing. To say you have a bad marriage or how I said it by using suck is another. I think people know when they have a bad marriage. I am not saying I am the one judging and saying they have a bad marriage. These are people that have told me on many different times the problems they have and they are not happy or they are always fighting. To me a marriage that spends more time on the down swing then the up is a bad marriage. We all have ups and downs and we are all human. Power to those who work to keep their marriage strong and work through issues. However, there are many that I witness that do not work on it and bring kids into it. They often are so amazed that their children even know. Then when they are brought into the school and told their child is having issues or grades are dropping, etc. They cannot believe it has anything to do with them. If they are not happy and fighting, what makes them think the children are happy?

I guess I am just trying to figure out the why in all of it. Why do they keep expanding a family that is in constant turmoil?

Kids know way more then what parents either want to admit they know or think they know. They go to bed and internalize it and think it is them or if they did something. I talk to them every flippen day and it makes me sad.

I do understand what you are saying but again, who is to judge what a bad marriage is? Sorry, but "most of the time bad" doesn't cut it for me. What is "bad"? There are so many different ways that people live within a marriage so I'm just not sure what the ideal one, in your opinion, is.

I do apologize if my post seems rude but I'm just not comfortable with the original tone of your email at all. This is probably why I usually stay (and should have stayed) out of HT.

And on the other side, I do see your point and now have to sit here and wonder if my marriage is healthy enough or if, for yet another reason (because we all know how all problems are caused by one's mother), I am screwing up my child by choosing to make my marriage work. How long do I have before I've permanently scarred my child? And am I on that other side of the line where I'm one of the "bad moms" who chose to have another child?

It just gets me heated. And honestly, I really am happy that you feel you have such a healthy happy marriage but I know many many people that have, at some point or another, said their marriage sucks. And then they woke up and it was a new day, and hopefully a new attitude. For some people, it's just easier to say it this way than "we are having issues".

Diane, I really do not know what to say to you. I mean I am not sure why you do not like the tone of my post? Do you not like what I am saying? It is fine to disagree with me. I did put it in HT for just that point. I am sure it hits a nerve with some. I cannot help what others have going on in their marriage. I do not think I ever said I had a perfect marriage. I even made a point to say I am not perfect, but I do not feel I have a bad marriage.

Again, there is a difference in a marriage that at some point sucks so to speak then one that has more downs then ups or one that is very disruptive to a household. I cannot sugar coat that. I see it often with working with children. As parents we will all do things wrong with our children. I mean some issues will cause some to get heated because it usually means it hits close to home or close to ones hears or beliefs. It could be politics, religion, child rearing etc. Saying a marriage is having issues is not what I am talking about.

As far as who to say who has a bad marriage. Well, ultimately it would it would be those in the marriage. Then depending on what other people see and how their children are suffering. However, I am not sure how to define bad to you in order for it to be clear. Sure, people live in marriages in many different ways. Two adults have every right to live and do as they please. I just take issue when those two adults introduce children to an unhealthy environment. If one or more of the adults in the house know it is not healthy and it causes them great stress then I pretty much bank on the fact that it does the same to the child. It is a trickle down effect.

I am sorry you are questing your marriage now and wondering the questions you posted. I cannot take that away from you and I cannot make that better. I did not set out to upset you. I get very heated too when it comes to children and this issue. That is why I posted it. It is something I was thinking about today.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Dddiii wrote:

And again, I do apologize because I know my post was not exactly, well, nice. But it was honest.

Obviously it touched a nerve. Considering I posted one month before I got preggers that Mike and I were having issues, I can't see how it wouldn't.

Bowing out now. No need for preggo hormones here.

And I do appreciate that you are all champions for our children. We need people like you out there.

I'm just a mom trying every day to do my best to raise my child in the best way I can. Without a manual, or instructions from the univ

We are all raising our children without a manual or instructions. It is the hardest job around.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Dddiii wrote:

And again, I do apologize because I know my post was not exactly, well, nice. But it was honest.

Obviously it touched a nerve. Considering I posted one month before I got preggers that Mike and I were having issues, I can't see how it wouldn't.

Bowing out now. No need for preggo hormones here.

And I do appreciate that you are all champions for our children. We need people like you out there.

I'm just a mom trying every day to do my best to raise my child in the best way I can. Without a manual, or instructions from the universe.

You do not have to apologize. It is how you feel and that is that. I cannot argue an emotion.

Lizzy · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Why do people who have bad marriages keep having kids? Do people think children will make their marriage stronger?

It really boggles my mind as to why people do this. I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids.

Does anyone else get annoyed by this or is it just me?

I am sure this is a sensitive subject for some people, but when we really strip it down there has to be a reason for it. People may not want to admit it, but there has to be a reason?

Do the kids benefit from this?

Idk Melissa. This post is so vague it makes me wonder what brought all this up? Was it that movie Revolutionary Road because yes, that was a truly dysfunctional marriage!!

But people have children for all sorts of reasons -what makes one the "right" one?

mctex · Guru

What's interesting to me is the underlying assumption that the quality of a marriage and and the decision to have children are automatically related.

I hear this sort of thing quite a bit, and TBH, IDGI. This is logically equivalent to saying that children who cannot be born into ideal circumstances should not be born. I 100% agree with you that an unstable home environment causes long reaching (dare I say life long) complications for a child. But when the alternative is not being born at all... I don't know about you, but I'd choose a life over perfection.

Myself, I am the sole biological product of my parents, who divorced when I was 4. For me, I think all of the drama associated with the 9 years of custody battles and visitation rights and all sorts of yuckiness was exacerbated by the fact that I was alone in all of it -- I would've loved to have had someone there with me in trying to make sense of it all. So in some respects, I think it can be even better to have more siblings in a yucky situation -- not less.

My best guess is that people are married to whomever they're married to, and they want more kids. I'm sure that there are some people who have children hoping the marriage will get better (not a good idea, IMHO), but I'm thinking that it's a separate thought process for most folks. Maybe people are hoping that through unrelated causes their marriages will get better -- having hope. IDT that's a crime.

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Lizzy wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Why do people who have bad marriages keep having kids? Do people think children will make their marriage stronger?

It really boggles my mind as to why people do this. I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids.

Does anyone else get annoyed by this or is it just me?

I am sure this is a sensitive subject for some people, but when we really strip it down there has to be a reason for it. People may not want to admit it, but there has to be a reason?

Do the kids benefit from this?

Idk Melissa. This post is so vague it makes me wonder what brought all this up? Was it that movie Revolutionary Road because yes, that was a truly dysfunctional marriage!!

But people have children for all sorts of reasons -what makes one the "right" one?

I was talking to someone today and that is what brought it up.

Why is it vague? I honestly do not know if a marriage is rocky in terms of a husband and wife who do not get along, why have more kids? Really there is not hidden question there.

Having children for the sole reason of patching up a marriage. Hmmm, I guess in my book it is wrong. I am not saying it does not happen all the time and I am not setting out to list the right reasons for having kids.

There are truly dysfunctional marriages out there. Like I said in other parts of my post. I see it first hand what it does to a child. I just feel it is not fair to put the child in the middle of it all. I guess some people can look at a dysfunctional marriage and see nothing wrong with it. People put themselves first before there kids and it just bothers me.

I mean we could sit and try and figure out what is a bad marriage, what is a good marriage and all of us would have a different list. If it is causing harm to a child then it is a bad marriage. Not a healthy situation to raise a child in.

mctex · Guru

Lizzy wrote:

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Why do people who have bad marriages keep having kids? Do people think children will make their marriage stronger?

It really boggles my mind as to why people do this. I am constantly in awe of people that tell me one day their marriage sucks and yada yada, but then not a week later tell met they are trying to get pregnant or have kids.

Does anyone else get annoyed by this or is it just me?

I am sure this is a sensitive subject for some people, but when we really strip it down there has to be a reason for it. People may not want to admit it, but there has to be a reason?

Do the kids benefit from this?

Idk Melissa. This post is so vague it makes me wonder what brought all this up? Was it that movie Revolutionary Road because yes, that was a truly dysfunctional marriage!!

But people have children for all sorts of reasons -what makes one the "right" one?

I, too, am curious as to why this ruffles your feathers so much. I definitely share your disdain for people who think that what is happening in their marital life has no impact on their children (or at least none worthy of consideration), BUT not sure I get the intensity of the heat.

I haven't seen Revolutionary Road. Should I?