These are too funny not to share. There are a ton, but worth taking the time to read. Enjoy

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I

can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that

I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more

directly involves me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you

realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to

drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire

with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that

you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you

are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and

walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to

first do something like check your watch or phone or make a

grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one

in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly

switching directions on the sidewalk.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I

was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.

This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I

will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards"

again.

Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it

wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that

would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that,

but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no

internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out.

Today's kids are soft.

There is a great need for sarcasm font.

Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger

and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on

when I first saw it.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it

actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll

end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm

that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I

laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to

prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each

hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately

clear your computer history if you die.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying

to finish a text.

A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to

the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

Was learning cursive really necessary?

Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing

else to say".

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom

and hunger.

Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a

Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the

Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual

stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat

you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street

smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary

smart".

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just

nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars

teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay

strong, brothers!

While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and

instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty

sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how

the person died.

I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in

the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get

dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

Bad decisions make good stories

Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that

their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning

who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546

pictures? Don't mind if I do!

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier

every year?

If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their

offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has

to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get

so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm

from; this shouldn't be a problem....

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at

work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing

anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I

don't want to have to restart my collection.

There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you

are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too

far.

I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it

asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research

paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash

this ever.

I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people

watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but

will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing

we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before

they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends

after this?'

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for

China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly

certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are

executed.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?

Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times

and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer?

Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not

seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something

she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some

light internet stalking.

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on

shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my

iTunes.

Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal

cruising speed for pedophiles...

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate

drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I

always hate cyclists.

Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and

still not know what time it is.

It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know

not to answer when they call.

I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a

kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment

will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in

college.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know

what do to with it.

Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their

car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the

Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and

push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds,

eyes closed, first time every time...

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what

would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I

respond to that?

It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com

and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone

they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday

or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the

bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In

other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a

second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must

be at least four people eating to require such a large amount

of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like

being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.