Your child gets a high grade in a project or a test. How do you respond? Do you say, “You are so smart” or “You are so talented; it makes me so proud when you get A’s”? Alternatively, you might say, “I really admire how hard you worked on that project” or “You put in a lot of time studying for that test; I’m glad it went well for you.”
Your response in such situations matters, according to Carol Dweck, the author of Mindset. Parents and teachers can influence the way a child views him or herself, and the way we view ourselves determines how we approach life. Do you have a “fixed mindset” or a “growth mindset”? A fixed mindset assumes success in school and in life is predicated upon IQ and natural talent. A growth mindset means that we cannot know our potential at any particular stage of life. What we accomplish in school and in life depends largely on passion, effort, practice, and persistence… and absorbing and managing setbacks. (Isn’t some failure necessary preparation for life?) Attitude matters more than natural endowment; “…everyone can change and grow through application and experience.”
In the end IQ has very little to do with success or happiness. I have seen many children who with little real effort get high marks in lower school and then hit the wall in middle school or high school. High grades and high praise came so easily to them that they did not need to develop good study habits or habits of mind that would enable them to push through difficult times in demanding courses. They have had so much success and have been told they were smart so often that they came to believe it and relied upon it. And well-meaning parents and teachers can be enablers of this sad and often damaging situation.
Natural intelligence can take us only so far. Praise honest hard work and determination much more than you praise accomplishment. Praise the qualities that sustain us through life.
