The past couple months have been rough since DH started his new job and my being in school the past two semesters. Don't get me wrong... I feel very blessed that in this world he was able to find a decent job with banging benefits. And that we were able to swing my being a full time student.. But I feel like somewhere in the middle I'm getting fried because I feel like I am expected to juggle so much and I can't find the balance. Does that make sense? I'm starting to let a lot slip and its not because I'm forgetful or a bad mom or bad wife- but because I am so bogged down with everything that I can't handle it anymore. I have asked for help. I have begged for help. I have screamed for help. I don't know what to do. I'm not trying to turn this into a whine fest but I really feel like I'm drowning.
And for the record- there is no such thing as "me time". I last had me time in September when I went for mani/pedis (my first!) with a family friend. We had a blast and I want to do it again.
So how do you find the balance in your own life? And if this was your friend coming to you with the same issue, how would you advise them?
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this. I
I don't have a good answer, since i get no "me" time.
But, I hear where you are coming from- and just want to say it is hard but come with the schooling thing I think. Travis has been taking classes now full-time for three years. It has been H-A-R-D. There is never enough of us. Some days it feels like if we can make it to bed, we've done well.
The best thing we did was have our sister in law come up once a month for a Saturday. Travis and I go to town, do normal errands, but we reconnect. School is important. Work is important. But along the way I was losing the person I loved. We're finally nearing the end. It has been a blur, but you can do it. Is it an option to hire a sitter now and then? This semester we had to say flip it. Yes, it is more expensive, but we hired extra sitters so we weren't exhausted.
I don't have a good answer, since i get no "me" time.
But, I hear where you are coming from- and just want to say it is hard but come with the schooling thing I think. Travis has been taking classes now full-time for three years. It has been H-A-R-D. There is never enough of us. Some days it feels like if we can make it to bed, we've done well.
The best thing we did was have our sister in law come up once a month for a Saturday. Travis and I go to town, do normal errands, but we reconnect. School is important. Work is important. But along the way I was losing the person I loved. We're finally nearing the end. It has been a blur, but you can do it. Is it an option to hire a sitter now and then? This semester we had to say flip it. Yes, it is more expensive, but we hired extra sitters so we weren't exhausted.
Sitters are an option! We have no family in town but we have friends who always say they'd do it for us!
It is hard- I'm gone all day, he's at work all night. And I understand about feeling like you are losing the person you love. Some days, it feels like we're bickering roommates!
Jennie, I think the lack of responses speaks to the fact that it is something we all struggle with. Honestly, I keep looking here for the magic solution. I will say that I get occasional me time, but, it doesnt always help, since what I really want is family time where I feel like things are working smoothly. (As opposed to just escaping the chaos, only to return...). I am happier when Kyle and I are connecting emotionally - even i we are just texting, chatting on the phone, etc. - than when we spend lots of time together not talking or even communicating at all. So for us, "date nights" arent really the issue, cause I personally just end up being annoyed at the artificiality. I would rather do errands or laundry together if it meant being together. And I guess the same can be true of the kids. You dont have to have every moment magical, just make sure you are focusing on being "present" when you are with them, and let go of the rest. You wont get balance per se, but letting go of alot of it will relieve some the feeling that you are drowning.
I take 15 minutes for myself when I leave school. When I started, school used to be my "me time." It was easy, thoughtless, and got me out of the house. Now my classes are just one more thing to stress me out. So, I get a coffee. I take the long route home, some nights I meet up with gf's or stop in to visit one on the way home. Not for long, just enough to breathe. It's really helpful.
I have no answer either. I think everyone in life strives or this, but do we ever really achieve it?
I work FT out of the house. I do not like to leave my kids after work since I am not with them all day. So, it ends up being not a lot of me time. However, this time in our life is short in the big scheme of things. IF we put the time in now, it pays off.
Hang in there. Try to be kind to yourself. Do not lose you or your husband in the process of life or raising children. IT is tough.
I really do appreciate the advice and suggestions, etc! :D
Like you, Leah, I was using school as my break but in reality, it really isn't. I have an hour between my second class of the day and my last class of the day and use that as some down time. I sit and play on my iPod or socialize with friends. I know it sounds whiny saying I don't get any "me time" and I'm not trying to come as that! I never realized how hard it would be to not only be a full time student but a full time mom as well! Holy goodness! I figured because I was older I'd take it more serious because I know where I want to be in 10 years..finally! LOL And with Grant working second shift, its hard being home alone at night. Its a new ball game! We decided that we would start making Saturdays, money permitting, our "Adventure Day" in which we take turns picking an activity, either low cost or free, that we can do together as a family. We started making weekends count more as a family and together when the kids are in bed. We have sitter options and we know Colin would love a sitter..He asks for one. We're worried about Adelaide b/c she is rather attached to us and is not a people person. My counselor suggested calling the girl we trust and having her sit with Adelaide for five minutes and have us leave the room. Then extend it for longer periods to where we can leave for an hour and come back w/o Adelaide panicking. She does go to the church nursery and she does okay until someone cries. Usually one of us takes turns sitting with her so we each can catch a sermon. LOL In July we're locking up the house over the 4th of July holiday and heading to the beach to spend the weekend with my stepmom and her husband. Since Colin, Adelaide's, and her husband's birthdays are the 8th, 15th, and 20th we're doing a huge birthday bash for all three of them. I'm really looking forward to that. I like hearing how you ladies each find the time and the serenity to make it work. I never realized how hard it was going to be when I embarked on this journey..Not the parenting part but the balancing act of wearing different hats and learning to mesh each world to fit the other. A lot of my friends at school are married with no children or single. Some of them do have children and we can bond. I know I'm not always around a lot but I appreciate you all for answering and encouraging. I do feel a lot of guilt because Grant says he misses me all the time and he likes the days I have just one class and am home by 1. I feel like I miss a lot with Adelaide during the day but I make time with each Colin and Adelaide so that they know that I'm still here. Friday night I let Colin stay up till 9 (he is usually in bed by 7:45 b/c he has to be up early) and we just played Legos and talked. Adelaide and I read books each night together and snuggle before I lay her down. Its the small things, I have learned, that matter more than extravagant outings.
Edited b/c I cannot form proper sentences.
-- Edited by Jennie on Saturday 9th of April 2011 06:57:38 PM
You know what - asking for me time is definitely not being whiny IMO. I think there are so few responses because I don't think it's easy to find a balance. Initially when I read this my answer was "you don't." But that wasn't really supportive, huh? Looking at your situation I think you just need to temporarily redefine your sense of balance or you will constantly be frustrated at not achieving what you want. Being a full time student, mother, wife, etc. means that you are going to have to let things slide that maybe you normally wouldn't. My job has kept me busier than I thought. For me that means my house is dirtier than I would like and I have had to let it go. It means really looking at what is important and prioritizing.
Last week Gavin wore the same socks all week because he kept putting them back into his shoes and getting them the next morning. I could dwell on it and be upset that I wasn't checking his sock drawer or laying out his socks or a million other different things. But I chose to be glad he was trying to be independent and not care because ultimately - it didn't really hurt anything. It's little things that I've had to let go. My hair is in a ponytail most everyday for work because it means I get a little bit extra sleep in the morning and I really need that.
I think you need to learn to let the things go that you can't fix or change at the moment and really try to live in all the little victories and successes. As a working mom I've had to really look at the quality of time that is spent with my kids and not the quantity and I encourage you to do the same to help feel more balanced. There are certain days that I spend less time with them but I try to make that time count. I also take Owen grocery shopping with me now. I tried it just to see and it was so fun and worked out so well I have continued. He has fun and it's been more fun for me too. It used to be a chore and a hassle and now it's an hour and a half of enjoyable 1-on-1 time I get to spend with him.
Anyway, I admire that you guys are doing so much to better your lives and I know it can be really difficult. Hang in there and stay focused on the long term results and take time at the end of the day to focus on things that went well and that were enjoyable.
Hey Jennie!!! First, Congrats on going back to school!! That is awesome!! Second, congrats to the old man for getting out there and grabbign that excellent job with the great benefits, totally can't beat that in this day!!
About your stuggles, if I were talking to my best friend and she were having these struggles. I first would say... "Jennie, look at what you are working towards! An amazing chance to show your children how to succeed. Second, by the pictures you have a little baby in your claws. Not much to get done in life right now but teach that little champ all the doings about life, eating, crawling, walking, talking.... the usual mom stuff. But look at you! Taking a chance on school, staying focused, being there for your family, your husband, the home! You are going to feel like you are drowning, you have more on your plate than you can handle. Than most anyone can handle! So what are you willing to drop? A clean house, a class or two a semester, family time, husband time, what is worth it to you to be so bogged down you can't breath?" This is what I would expect to hear.... Wow you are right, I am overwhelmed, I need to figure out what really matters now. School? Absolutely, gotta finish school.... Kid time, well can't go with out that!!.... Husband time? Can't have a family without a husband... cleaning? well we can live if not everything is cleaned? Or can I have my friend come over and let me play with the kids while she fixes dinner? can I cook our meals for the week and freeze them.... What about Me????
Not everything has to be about everyone else! Your classes are your you time, but aren't they helping create the havoc right now? So what thrills you for you time? Once you find that you will find a way to get your you time. But in all honesty sugar plum, you have a little one that your you time just isn't going to happen! And from a mom who has two and both are out of the needy stage enjoy this time. Let the dishes go, let the laudry go. Clean after they are in bed. Make the small alterations to your world now to give you the time you need with your babies.... You will look back at this time and regret pulling yourself in so many directions. Let the little things fall on the way side. A clean house isn't a home. It doesn't make a family. I worked full time was practically a single mom. Dad worked out of town a lot. It was just me and the kids...my daughter was new born to 18 months during this time. Guess what my house work was always the last thing I worried about. maybe I am selfish. But to me. My sanity mattered more than a clean house!!! Hope this isn't too prying or agressive.... You are making the right decision to go back to school to make a better life for all involved. Stay focused just let some things fall through the cracks, we weren't meant to let that happen from time to time!
Hope you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. Good Luck!!!
