Kevin tends to have a quick temper, and it's mostly when it comes to dealing with Kyle. He'll get angry and hit Kyle often.
I don't know what to do anymore. We do timeouts for this behavior but that doesn't seem to do anything, because he still hits. I've tried talking to him and reminding him we don't hit. I've tried telling him to use his words when he's angry rather than hitting. I've threatened, I've yelled. I even swatted his hand once but then realized that wouldn't work when also saying, "we don't hit" at the same time.
Any advice?
He doesn't do this at school, at all. It's really only with Kyle, and the occasional outburst with me or Dom when he's really frustrated.
Jolynn, I don't have much in the way of advice. But we are dealing with similar issues. Anna has been much more physical, but also just plain mean. And 9 times out of 10, it is directed at Kate. She seems unable to control her emotions and her temper these days. And her attitude sucks. We don't get hitting as much as other things, but I feel like it kind of all circles around the same types of issues.
I am trying, but IHNI if I am doing the right things or not.
First, I pulled her off the bus. We have a lot of little shits on our bus that I didnt want her around. She was very upset so we are trying me driving her in the AM and her riding the bus home.
Second, I am working hard to get them to bed earlier. Anna seems exhausted all of the time. It has really been a struggle, and I hate waking her out of a dead sleep every morning. So we went from 8ish to 7:30-7:45. I am aiming for 7:30, but it is a work in process. I do notice her attitude and demeanor improve when she has had more sleep.
I am trying not to get emotionally involved in her ourbursts. We have set rules about things, and when she breaks them, she pays the consequences. I dole out the punishment (which is an apology, beans out of the jar and time out-for worse offenses, I will take other things away like toys or priviledges)
Also, I am trying REALLY hard to be positive with her when she is being nice. I feel like all I do anymore is get on her about being bad, and I hate that. I am not enjoying her right now, so it has been hard, but I really am trying to be more upbeat with her and compliment her on the slightest things when she does well. I also ask her about things that happened during the day that were good. So often, she remembers the bad things, and I am trying to keep focus on the good things that she did at school or wherever.
And finally, I am in talks with Bill to try and carve out more one on one with her. Either with me or with him, I think she needs more time away from Kate. I think she is at an age now where she doesn't want to be associated as "Anna and Kate" anymore-she wants some independence from that, and she wants to have time when it isn't always the two of them. So we are working on that a little as well.
I am not sure how well it is working, but I am seeing some better days, so hopefully things keep up. IDK-I want to read a book and figure out new techniques, but things have been so crazy lately. So I am winging it.
Good luck!!! I hope you can find some things that help-and please share if you do!!!!
Jo, Rhys gets real angry sometimes too, he definitely has a "fight" instinct. The only thing we are able to do is separate them. Without getting angry or upset, just say, well, if you cant stop hitting, you will need to play separately and physically move him to a different area or his room or whatever. I don't know about Kyle, but Kiera TOTALLY overreacts in an effort to try and get us to respond and punish him. So, we have also used the same thing on Kiera and have made an effort to teach her that we will not respond when she overreacts, and to let us deal with it. They usually figure out it is more fun to get along, or they just enjoy doing something apart for a little bit. Hope that helps just a little bit.
And finally, I am in talks with Bill to try and carve out more one on one with her. Either with me or with him, I think she needs more time away from Kate. I think she is at an age now where she doesn't want to be associated as "Anna and Kate" anymore-she wants some independence from that, and she wants to have time when it isn't always the two of them. So we are working on that a little as well.
Jo, I will second this too. I know you spend lots of time with them, but, maybe some one on one time? Someone here (sappy? Kris?) said they spent every birth day each month with that kid, so for us, we try to carve out every month on the 11th and the 27th alone time - we trade off with R and K. Whether its going to a movie, the grocery store, the library, whatever, K knows that is her time. So, its almost every two weeks. Ks behavior and anger toward her brother (competition) has improved with that, and when she is upset or having a rough time will ask, when is our alone time coming up?
so sorry jo - although ivy doesn't have siblings, she still manages to get out of control with her temper and hits (usually me). the only thing i can do is try to diffuse the situation by taking her away from things (time out) and then gradually trying to get her to calm down to talk about things and the consequences. it is tough. i also was taking one toy away for every time she did something like that, for example, i would take her scooby doo stuffed animal away and put it in the closet and say this is going to stay here for x number of days. if she continued to act out, i took another one away. she usually got the idea pretty quick ;)
Jolynn, I don't have much in the way of advice. But we are dealing with similar issues. Anna has been much more physical, but also just plain mean. And 9 times out of 10, it is directed at Kate. She seems unable to control her emotions and her temper these days. And her attitude sucks. We don't get hitting as much as other things, but I feel like it kind of all circles around the same types of issues.
I am trying, but IHNI if I am doing the right things or not.
First, I pulled her off the bus. We have a lot of little shits on our bus that I didnt want her around. She was very upset so we are trying me driving her in the AM and her riding the bus home.
Second, I am working hard to get them to bed earlier. Anna seems exhausted all of the time. It has really been a struggle, and I hate waking her out of a dead sleep every morning. So we went from 8ish to 7:30-7:45. I am aiming for 7:30, but it is a work in process. I do notice her attitude and demeanor improve when she has had more sleep.
I am trying not to get emotionally involved in her ourbursts. We have set rules about things, and when she breaks them, she pays the consequences. I dole out the punishment (which is an apology, beans out of the jar and time out-for worse offenses, I will take other things away like toys or priviledges)
Also, I am trying REALLY hard to be positive with her when she is being nice. I feel like all I do anymore is get on her about being bad, and I hate that. I am not enjoying her right now, so it has been hard, but I really am trying to be more upbeat with her and compliment her on the slightest things when she does well. I also ask her about things that happened during the day that were good. So often, she remembers the bad things, and I am trying to keep focus on the good things that she did at school or wherever.
And finally, I am in talks with Bill to try and carve out more one on one with her. Either with me or with him, I think she needs more time away from Kate. I think she is at an age now where she doesn't want to be associated as "Anna and Kate" anymore-she wants some independence from that, and she wants to have time when it isn't always the two of them. So we are working on that a little as well.
I am not sure how well it is working, but I am seeing some better days, so hopefully things keep up. IDK-I want to read a book and figure out new techniques, but things have been so crazy lately. So I am winging it.
Good luck!!! I hope you can find some things that help-and please share if you do!!!!
Thank you, Laura. I really like your suggestions of earlier bedtime and individual time. I try to have the boys in bed by 8, sometimes that ends up being later. And even if it is 8, they don't fall asleep until later. I'll work toward 7:30 in bed and see if that helps Kevin's mood. Kyle could use that extra rest, too.
I'm sorry you are dealing with the meanness, too. I hope what your doing helps with Anna.
Jo, Rhys gets real angry sometimes too, he definitely has a "fight" instinct. The only thing we are able to do is separate them. Without getting angry or upset, just say, well, if you cant stop hitting, you will need to play separately and physically move him to a different area or his room or whatever. I don't know about Kyle, but Kiera TOTALLY overreacts in an effort to try and get us to respond and punish him. So, we have also used the same thing on Kiera and have made an effort to teach her that we will not respond when she overreacts, and to let us deal with it. They usually figure out it is more fun to get along, or they just enjoy doing something apart for a little bit. Hope that helps just a little bit.
oh yeah, we're getting the big overreactions from Kyle too!
and I hate to just dismiss it because I don't want him to think we don't care and that he's just going to be the victim, you know? that's why I'm really trying to be active about doing something (in front of Kyle) to let Kevin know it's not okay
And finally, I am in talks with Bill to try and carve out more one on one with her. Either with me or with him, I think she needs more time away from Kate. I think she is at an age now where she doesn't want to be associated as "Anna and Kate" anymore-she wants some independence from that, and she wants to have time when it isn't always the two of them. So we are working on that a little as well.
Jo, I will second this too. I know you spend lots of time with them, but, maybe some one on one time? Someone here (sappy? Kris?) said they spent every birth day each month with that kid, so for us, we try to carve out every month on the 11th and the 27th alone time - we trade off with R and K. Whether its going to a movie, the grocery store, the library, whatever, K knows that is her time. So, its almost every two weeks. Ks behavior and anger toward her brother (competition) has improved with that, and when she is upset or having a rough time will ask, when is our alone time coming up?
I think quality time is their love language :)
I like this. A lot. Thanks!
It's been so hard for me to get away from Kate but now that she's getting older, I look forward to having more individual time with the boys. I'm pretty sure they will really enjoy that.
so sorry jo - although ivy doesn't have siblings, she still manages to get out of control with her temper and hits (usually me). the only thing i can do is try to diffuse the situation by taking her away from things (time out) and then gradually trying to get her to calm down to talk about things and the consequences. it is tough. i also was taking one toy away for every time she did something like that, for example, i would take her scooby doo stuffed animal away and put it in the closet and say this is going to stay here for x number of days. if she continued to act out, i took another one away. she usually got the idea pretty quick ;)
thanks, Liz
I really wish we didn't have to "punish" them, but I guess they need to learn somehow, huh?
We don't have to deal with this a ton here but when we do it is Owen. I don't know if this is a problem for you but sometimes we run into the problem where Gavin plays the victim. Not that hitting is ever okay and we deal with it but I have also noticed Gavin antagonizing Owen because he knows owen will lash out and get in trouble for it. He plays the victim very well and I've talked to Gavin a lot too about how his behavior can affect owen's and vice versa. Anyway, I know that doesn't help in terms of kevin but I thought I'd throw it out there since we've had to deal with that aspect of it.
-- Edited by Juni on Friday 25th of March 2011 10:47:28 AM
Hey Jo, I don't have any answers because if I did then I would be rich, LOL! Anna is a hitter and very aggressive to me, Les and Lauren. She manages to keep it under control at school which we are thankful for. Just know you are not alone. We stick to time outs and taking stuff away. I have plenty of days where I yell too. Parenting is hard for sure. Just wanted to tell you to hang in there with him. I have a feeling he will figure it out. Most kids do once they realize special priviledges are taken away and they go through that a few (hundred) times. Ugh!
Hey Jo, I don't have any answers because if I did then I would be rich, LOL! Anna is a hitter and very aggressive to me, Les and Lauren. She manages to keep it under control at school which we are thankful for. Just know you are not alone. We stick to time outs and taking stuff away. I have plenty of days where I yell too. Parenting is hard for sure. Just wanted to tell you to hang in there with him. I have a feeling he will figure it out. Most kids do once they realize special priviledges are taken away and they go through that a few (hundred) times. Ugh!
Ditto to all of this.
Josie's a complete beast to all of us.
She also doesn't care if she's put in time out or if we take something away from her. at all.
It seems to be Josie's natural reaction. And she has a little beast in her class that is very hands on. A lot of the kids have started modeling his behaviour.
