I wanted to share in case any others have experienced this, or have people in your life who may have and could use additional help.
After muddling through since Ellerie's birth four years ago, distracting myself with graduate school, gaining an extreme amount of weight, and generally trying to avoid anything that brought all these terrible memories/anxieties up, I finally cracked last month. I had a week where I literally could barely get out of bed---I slogged my way out to drop Ellie off at school and pick her up, but I was barely functional beyond that. My husband and I had no idea what to make of it. I saw a counselor, was referred to a psychiatrist, and the diagnosis was not what we expected but makes perfect sense: post-traumatic stress disorder.
Then this morning, a friend of mine posted this article to her Facebook wall, and I thought it was brilliant. It's a great description of how I have been feeling, and I thought it was important to share. Check it out:
As for me, I started counseling this week. I'm not on any meds right now, as the doc didn't think that they were immediately necessary, but we are watching that, too, and will add them if required. I'm just so grateful we now have an answer for what I was experiencing---I really thought that I was just crazy, because no other women I talked to seemed to be scarred from their birth experiences, at least in the way I was. It is a strange relief to know what it going on, even though it is difficult.
I checked out the Salon article from your link on FB. It was a very interesting read. I remember that Carrie felt like she had PTSD from her c/s, too... I feel very fortunate that it isn't something with which I can personally identify.
For some reason, I'm thinking (but I'm not certain) that Carrie might have had fertility issues, too. I'd be really curious to see if there's any sort of relationship between fertility issues and PP PTSD. (I'm guessing this hasn't been really studied, yet, given that PTSD as a PP diagnosis is still in its infancy.)
What's bringing this to my mind is that I'm currently poking around on the latest diagnosis de jour -- "adrenal fatigue" -- when the adrenal gland becomes so overtaxed that it's unable to function properly. One of the symptoms is a reduced ability to deal with stress. What's interesting about the adrenal gland as it related to this, though, is that it's also the gland that's responsible for production of the sex hormones. It's not the craziest thing in the world to think there might be some sort of connection, KWIM?
At any rate, I'm so glad that you feel like you have an understanding of what ails you. There's nothing more frustrating than to know that something is just not quite right, but being unable to put your finger on it -- or, even worse, gain the attention of someone that might be able to help you. (Boy, do I understand that... thus my investigation of "adrenal fatigue". :) )
ETA: I just wanted to be clear that my hypothesis is in no way meant to suggest that I don't think PP PTSD is valid -- NOT AT ALL. (I'm a mind/body connection junkie these days, so I am the LAST person who would suggest that. :) ) I'm just wondering if the PP PTSD is yet another horrible stop on a longer journey that one could've potentially been on... does that make sense?
-- Edited by mctex on Thursday 18th of February 2010 08:30:11 AM
Wow. I have struggled a LOT since having Owen. So much so that I've almost convinced myself I will die if I have another baby. And while my experience wasn't "complicated" it was traumatic for me and very scary. Thanks for sharing that. I'm so sorry you've been struggling for so long. It's a horrible feeling and I can't imagine searching for 4+ years trying to find out what's "wrong" with you. ***hugs***
mctex wrote:What's bringing this to my mind is that I'm currently poking around on the latest diagnosis de jour -- "adrenal fatigue" -- when the adrenal gland becomes so overtaxed that it's unable to function properly. One of the symptoms is a reduced ability to deal with stress. What's interesting about the adrenal gland as it related to this, though, is that it's also the gland that's responsible for production of the sex hormones. It's not the craziest thing in the world to think there might be some sort of connection, KWIM?
ETA: I just wanted to be clear that my hypothesis is in no way meant to suggest that I don't think PP PTSD is valid -- NOT AT ALL. (I'm a mind/body connection junkie these days, so I am the LAST person who would suggest that. :) ) I'm just wondering if the PP PTSD is yet another horrible stop on a longer journey that one could've potentially been on... does that make sense?
-- Edited by mctex on Thursday 18th of February 2010 08:30:11 AM
I have been investigating adrenal fatigue, too---so sorry you might be experiencing this. I got a hypothyroid diagnosis this summer, and the meds haven't really alleviated the symptoms like they "should" (whatever that means). Adrenal insufficiency is something that comes up in the literature for thyroid patients seeking more answers. So interesting.
As for being a mind/body junkie, I get it. I am, too. It is the only way I can get any answers. I feel like, since the birth, my body and mind are disconnected. It's as if I stopped trusting my body that day, because it was such a terrifying, painful experience, and I was so powerless and so unable to make it stop. Why trust that body, you know? And as I work with my acupuncturist and therapist and the doula who was at the birth and is also a hypnotherapist---yeah, I'm availing myself to everything now, because I want some relief---I become more and more in touch with the mind/body connection that is not firing correctly for me. It amazes me that modern medicine is NOT set up to address this---that there are these discreet, physical diagnoses, and if you can't fit into one, there is not a problem. I bristle at this idea that pain/exhaustion/physical stress is either "real" or "in your head," as if those categories are black and white.
I wonder, too, about the infertility being a factor. In our case, the physical reason was male-factor, but the psychological toll was on both of us, of course. There must be some shift in expectations that occurs when having a baby is so challenging---I knew going into Ellerie's birth that it could very likely be the only one, which is a lot of pressure, even if you don't try to focus in upon it.
Wow. I have struggled a LOT since having Owen. So much so that I've almost convinced myself I will die if I have another baby. And while my experience wasn't "complicated" it was traumatic for me and very scary.
I have to tell you, it wasn't until last month that I had a doc ask me specific PTSD questions, and everything came together. I don't know if that is what you are experiencing, but if you are, there is a lot of help available. Just so you know, our birth was very traumatic and painful, but Ellerie was just fine, there was no distress on her part, etc. I was in 18 hours of back labor (i.e., unremitting pain), I had 2 failed epidurals (i.e., no pain relief), pushed for almost four hours, then had a c-section. I know that for some women, if they ended up with a healthy baby in the end, they'd be fine after that, but I wasn't. I hope you find some answers, too, my friend. :)
mctex wrote:What's bringing this to my mind is that I'm currently poking around on the latest diagnosis de jour -- "adrenal fatigue" -- when the adrenal gland becomes so overtaxed that it's unable to function properly. One of the symptoms is a reduced ability to deal with stress. What's interesting about the adrenal gland as it related to this, though, is that it's also the gland that's responsible for production of the sex hormones. It's not the craziest thing in the world to think there might be some sort of connection, KWIM?
ETA: I just wanted to be clear that my hypothesis is in no way meant to suggest that I don't think PP PTSD is valid -- NOT AT ALL. (I'm a mind/body connection junkie these days, so I am the LAST person who would suggest that. :) ) I'm just wondering if the PP PTSD is yet another horrible stop on a longer journey that one could've potentially been on... does that make sense?
-- Edited by mctex on Thursday 18th of February 2010 08:30:11 AM
I have been investigating adrenal fatigue, too---so sorry you might be experiencing this. I got a hypothyroid diagnosis this summer, and the meds haven't really alleviated the symptoms like they "should" (whatever that means). Adrenal insufficiency is something that comes up in the literature for thyroid patients seeking more answers. So interesting.
As for being a mind/body junkie, I get it. I am, too. It is the only way I can get any answers. I feel like, since the birth, my body and mind are disconnected. It's as if I stopped trusting my body that day, because it was such a terrifying, painful experience, and I was so powerless and so unable to make it stop. Why trust that body, you know? And as I work with my acupuncturist and therapist and the doula who was at the birth and is also a hypnotherapist---yeah, I'm availing myself to everything now, because I want some relief---I become more and more in touch with the mind/body connection that is not firing correctly for me. It amazes me that modern medicine is NOT set up to address this---that there are these discreet, physical diagnoses, and if you can't fit into one, there is not a problem. I bristle at this idea that pain/exhaustion/physical stress is either "real" or "in your head," as if those categories are black and white.
I wonder, too, about the infertility being a factor. In our case, the physical reason was male-factor, but the psychological toll was on both of us, of course. There must be some shift in expectations that occurs when having a baby is so challenging---I knew going into Ellerie's birth that it could very likely be the only one, which is a lot of pressure, even if you don't try to focus in upon it.
Regarding the red -- I had the exact same experience, which I myself only really began to process about 9 months ago. My pilates instructor also coaches a team of cancer survivors training for triathlons. She was discussing what all that entailed, when it occurred to me that it must be so much more challenging for cancer survivors to trust their bodies during the mind/body headgame of endurance sports, when it occurred to me: holy crap, *I* am a cancer survivor.
And the chick who gets pregnant under statistically impossible circumstances. And the one whose pelvis just won't open up even after dilating to 9 cm. And the one who can't EBF, despite the 5 lactation consultants she has working for her. I'm kind of used to being a statistic at this point -- and you're right, why trust this body???
I'm happy to report that I have made some solid progress on repairing that mind/body relationship through a four letter word: Y-O-G-A. (Pilates has been important, too, but sometimes it's actually kind of hard and doesn't feel as self-loving, LOL) What started out as being a bunch of tree-hugging happy talk is literally transforming my life. My relationship with it is SO much better, because the thing I've finally come to accept is that I need to honor it and its needs, because ultimately, it will win. There is no cheating it, no overpowering it. My intellectual will can only be fulfilled by surrendering to that part of me that is not intellectual at all. It's frustrating at times, but mostly awesome and inspiring.
You've nailed it on the head to exactly why I'm researching adrenal fatigue. I was FINALLY able to convince someone that I needed thyroid meds -- and I did, and am feeling much better as a result -- but the weight loss math is still not quite working out as it should. It looks like I'm already doing most of the things that one would do for adrenal fatigue (I'm off to Reiki next, though -- I've heard amazing things. :) ) , so I guess I am just going to be patient. And really hope that my body wants to drop this last 25 lbs. :)
Again, I'm super happy for you that you are getting some answers. Please keep me updated on how things are going for you... like I said, it's my latest obsession. (And frankly where I think my next career will land... I'm just not sure from what angle I want to come at it just yet! :) )
Wow. I have struggled a LOT since having Owen. So much so that I've almost convinced myself I will die if I have another baby. And while my experience wasn't "complicated" it was traumatic for me and very scary.
I have to tell you, it wasn't until last month that I had a doc ask me specific PTSD questions, and everything came together. I don't know if that is what you are experiencing, but if you are, there is a lot of help available. Just so you know, our birth was very traumatic and painful, but Ellerie was just fine, there was no distress on her part, etc. I was in 18 hours of back labor (i.e., unremitting pain), I had 2 failed epidurals (i.e., no pain relief), pushed for almost four hours, then had a c-section. I know that for some women, if they ended up with a healthy baby in the end, they'd be fine after that, but I wasn't. I hope you find some answers, too, my friend. :)
Regarding the red... yes.
And while I know on some level you know this already, I'm going to tell you this again anyway: and on NO level should this bring you any shame.
I read in the article how the author was getting beat up in the blog world, and flashed back to tx_mg... who, let's face it, probably would've taken a part in those floggings, I'm sorry to say. :(
What I can tell you now is that was only the result of tx_mg's own repressed and broken mind/body connection.
) 
