I read somewhere that parents are out buying all kinds of "stuff" for their kids when all their kids really want is there time.
Got me thinking. Time is something I struggle to give them. Of course I bath them, cook them dinner, put them to bed, etc. but putting myself down there on the floor for completely unstructured momma time is sooooooo difficult for me! They will beg me to watch a movie with them and I will sit down and within 10 minutes my mind has wandered to all of the stuff I'm supposed to be doing. They do not get the very best of me and I need to brainstorm some ways to change this.
At dinner time I rarely sit and eat with them b/c they are eating before I even have dinner ready. I'm running around getting people milk and silverware and more of this and more of that that by the time I sit down 1-2 of them are finished and taking off. I never sit and talk with them. Last night while DH was x-mas shopping he was calling to ask me ? about sports teams DS1 liked - this caused me to question DS1 casually and when I got the info I needed he said "keep going, I like answering these questions!" and I thought I never talk to him and listen to him. I'm always changing a diaper or assisting someone screaming over something. At lunch today we all sat down and Jake was questioning DS1 about friends or games or something and it was so sweet to watch him genuinely trying to understand his brother and his friends and what he likes, etc.
how do you do it? how do you make time for everything you are responsible for? work, household, husband, kids, you . . . . I need some serious redirection or resetting of the priorities!
Well, one place that we're always together and sitting down is at the dinner table. No one is allowed to eat until everyone is sitting down and after we say grace. That gets us all down together and I don't have to be running around getting stuff because it's all there.
That gives us a chance to talk as a family. Some of the most important conversations we've ever had has been at the table, lol.
It's harder during the day, because like you said, there's always a diaper to change, or clothes to wash and tend to, etc..so we just grab little snippets of time here and there.
At bedtime, we read a story then say our prayers, so that gives us a little bit more one on one time with them as well.
I will say that I have started letting go of some of the OCD cleaning I was doing, and I'll sit and watch a cartoon with them more often now. That seems to make a difference to them. I just started doing that within the last 6 months or so.
It's so hard being everything, I completely understand. ((hugs))
It is hard. Especially with an infant in the house and an unemployed husband needing tended to now too. I just want to run screaming some days.
I make sure to give Colin my undivided attention when I bathe him. I massage his scalp and tell him to close his eyes and think of a place and when he names a country we talk about it and what he thinks of it. And if I know some of the language of that place I tell him some phrases and repeat it back. Then I wash him up with Mr. Scruffles the Body Buffer and sing the song and just talk with him. Then I read him a story and lay in bed with him a few minutes and talk with him and listen to him. It might be right before bed but its time with me that he gets all.to.himself. I spend as long as I can in there with him just snuggling him and talking with him. Sometimes in stores we'll go off together and just talk and hang out. Two weeks ago he and I hung out in Subway in our Wal-Mart while DH went off with Addy and SD and he and I played Legos and talked and he said, "I like spending time with you Mom." I had a tooth pulled last week and I hung around near the pharmacy at Target waiting for my pain meds to get filled with Colin and he and I went through each and every aisle looking at this and that and talking about everything. And when people looked at me funny he'd say, "My mom...*pause* has a toothache" LOL I'd say in my numbed up voice "Extraction." We debated the existence of Kitty Claus and had some lady rolling b/c Colin was disproving Kitty Claus' existence while I was trying to prove Kitty Claus was real. He was just a joy! We looked at Christmas decorations, we looked at LPS together, we looked at games, at toys etc.
Addy I make sure to play with her in the mornings and when DH is off with Colin. I go off with her too. I snuggle her. I get down in the floor with her. I feed her, change her, dress her. I try to balance the time with her and Colin equally and its hard. I never realized how hard until now!!
And I make sure to set aside time with DH when both kids are off napping or otherwise. Its hard but at night we spend a lot of time together and just talk and play Wii together. And stuff. ;)
Household- eh. Its not a priority. If it gets done, it gets done. As long as its kept up, I'm happy. No bugs. The trash is taken out. The rooms are vacuumed and beds are made and there is clean laundry. I'm low maintenance! LOL
ETA- We ALWAYS have dinner together. No one eats until we're all served and sitting. Then Colin says the blessing and we eat and talk. That's the rule.
-- Edited by Jennie on Thursday 24th of December 2009 12:06:54 PM
I'm so busy doing for everyone that that's really all I DO...i tell them have a good day and I love them in the moring, and give hugs and tell them good night at night, but I know there isn't enough TIME with them...and what time i do manage to eek out is filled with me being impatient and stressed
Most everything gets that needs to gets done...but I have started having to sacrifice sleep for it...like I'll go to bed betwen 2-3 am and then be up at 540am to start the school day...I don't know if I need better time management or what, but I just don't have enough hours in the day and it's not uncommon that when I do get to bed I lay there for a LONG time remember things that didn't get done---and I have actually gotten up to finish things only to not sleep but then start my whole day over and still not feel completed, kwim.
In all honesty, trying to keep up with verything means that for me, the husband doesn't get what he needs (and I'm embarrassed to say that when he tells me he needs more time with me, I feel very resentful and feel like it's just another thing Ihave to do and him needing attention reminds me of a child needing his mama). I don;t feel like thereis enough of me for everyone and everything...and obviously if I can't find enough time for everyone and everything else, then I'M not getting what I need, too.
Don and I are going to Houston Sunday to see The Nutcracker...I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, I know I will be wishing I was home getting things done...even though things NEVER seem to GET done.
I don't have a solution or even anything for you to try bc I'm seriously right there with ya, but I'll be watchig the thread to see what others recommend.
I think I need to add some this to my resolutions list
We always eat together as a family BUT my biggest pet peeve is having to get up over and over again because: "I dropped my napkin", "Can I have a spoon instead?", "Where's the ketchup?", "Do we have any pepper?", "How come he gets kool-aid but I have water? Can I have kool-aid too PLEASE?"
Drives.me.batty.
Anyway, Mark is very vocal about getting my time and attention. At least once a day, he'll come to me and say, "Mama, will you come in my room and play with me?" I think he likes to have me in his room because he can shut the door and keep me hostage in there. Many times, I'll tell him I can play in his room but only until the timer beeps. Then I'll set the oven timer for 30 or 45 minutes. He is also my wonderful helper; he loves to help me sweep or switch laundry or clean countertops or bake. We do that when Henry is at school.
Henry's #1 mama-time is bedtime. He likes me to read with him and even if it's too late to read, he likes to lie in my bed with me for a while before he goes to his bed. And I take him to the movies pretty often. We enjoy our movie nights. We have other standing dates like that--twice a year I take him to a concert at church. And I'm always looking for events that I know he'll enjoy--like Zoo Lights.
I'm so busy doing for everyone that that's really all I DO...i tell them have a good day and I love them in the moring, and give hugs and tell them good night at night, but I know there isn't enough TIME with them...and what time i do manage to eek out is filled with me being impatient and stressed
Most everything gets that needs to gets done...but I have started having to sacrifice sleep for it...like I'll go to bed betwen 2-3 am and then be up at 540am to start the school day...I don't know if I need better time management or what, but I just don't have enough hours in the day and it's not uncommon that when I do get to bed I lay there for a LONG time remember things that didn't get done---and I have actually gotten up to finish things only to not sleep but then start my whole day over and still not feel completed, kwim.
In all honesty, trying to keep up with verything means that for me, the husband doesn't get what he needs (and I'm embarrassed to say that when he tells me he needs more time with me, I feel very resentful and feel like it's just another thing Ihave to do and him needing attention reminds me of a child needing his mama). I don;t feel like thereis enough of me for everyone and everything...and obviously if I can't find enough time for everyone and everything else, then I'M not getting what I need, too.
Don and I are going to Houston Sunday to see The Nutcracker...I'm looking forward to it, but at the same time, I know I will be wishing I was home getting things done...even though things NEVER seem to GET done.
I don't have a solution or even anything for you to try bc I'm seriously right there with ya, but I'll be watchig the thread to see what others recommend.
I think I need to add some this to my resolutions list
this is me! I've gotten to the point where I'm very impatient and I can't even hide it and I need to get it under control. I want them to say "how high" when I say jump and their refusal to do so is making me crazy but my rational self knows this is an irrational expectation.
I do feel like i have poor time management skills or something. There just aren't enough hours in the day. DH asked me the other day why I was going shopping like he thought my time could be used better in another manner and I looked at him puzzled and said "do you really believe there is a Santa who puts all that shiz under the tree? Who do you think purchases the gifts for your mother and nieces and our children and the daycare providers?!"
Maybe after x-mas I can reevaluate what the heck I'm doing and find some more efficient ways that will let me snuggle on the couch without guilt and watch the Wiggles! When I see DH doing that with one of the kids I'm jealous and resentful and wondering how he does it yet when I have an opportunity to do it myself I never seize it . . . the dishes are way more important I guess!
I can also relate to Robin at the dinner table - that is me. People pleasing - getting dropped forks and napkins and more milk and holding a child while trying to eat dinner.
I have let go of some of the cleaning and wanting life in order once I had Mia. I did not want my girls to remember my by always cleaning or picking up.
I need to be better about this because as of late I am very impatient and not as fun. I do try to play a game with them or sit and read, etc. I work FT too so it is hard at night, but I tend to put my life on hold till they go to bed. I stay up way too late because of this and am always exhausted, but such is life.
our dinnertimes are chaos too. the girls eat earlier than DH and me. i am always with them at dinner, but not often sitting down. i'm usually straightening the kitchen or getting them stuff, wiping up spills, etc (just like youre explaining). i make myself a small salad to sit and eat with them - i do this everynight - just to give the sense that we're all sitting together. i do talk to them a TON during dinner (really, i talk to them all day - my kids NEVER stop talking, so i feel like ALL i'm doing all day is talking talking talking). after dinner we clean up together, read books together, and then bathtime is more together-time. i think from dinner till bedtime (a 2-3 hour span) is pretty much 100% dedicated to spending time with them.
and C begs me to watch cartoons with her in the afternoon - this is our snuggle time and i always make time for it, bc she isnt much of a snuggler, so i have to savor every chance i get with her.
once C goes to bed, there's still an hour till R's bedtime, so we spend that hour playing boardgames and card games, working on her letters, cutting, etc. that's MAJOR together-time, and it's very regular.
so i feel like i'm spending a ton of time with them - but the other stuff is DEFINITELY lagging. i vacuum every night after R goes to bed, which is exhausting bc it's so late - and i dust and do the bathrooms on sunday usually. otherwise i dont do a ton of housework - just maintenance stuff (dishes and laundry). i do always feel like there's a thousand things i could be doing, but i am trying to chill about it.
I think it is so hard. I think we all struggle with this so much!!! I have times when it is really hard for me too-I just can't stand sitting there doing the pretend games they want to play or watching the movie they are into. Or when the weather is nice out, I am not one for running around playing tag or endlessly pushing the swing.
But I do want to try to make time for them. And I find it doesn't take a ton of time for them to feel filled up on mommy time, you know? They don't get hours of time with me doing nothing but playing with them, and they don't need that from me. I'm sure they would enjoy it, but if I spend smaller amounts of time with them that are quality, they are happier with that than me sitting with them for an hour but not really paying attention to them.
So first thing is my house is a wreck, lmao. I have all but given up on keeping up with it-we have such a small house that it is impossible anyway (which I know sounds odd-but we just don't have space for everything here-we own enough stuff for a house twice this size!!! So things pile up. And we have tried to get rid of things...), so whatever. I keep up with the basics, and I am starting to involve them more, which is yet another element of giving up control, lol.
I try to give them time in the afternoons on school days, or in the mornings on non school days-like maybe 20 minutes that I will sit and play with them and really focus on them. Or read to them. But they tend to argue about it, so I am going to start a new deal. I am going to set a timer for 10 minutes and each of them will have 10 minutes of mommy time where they get to pick what we do (from a listo of things-I am going to make cards for them; so one will have a book if they want to read a story, a game piece for playing a game, a paintbrush for crafty things, you get the idea), and during that time it is THEIR choice and THEIR activity. Sister gets no say. If the other sister tries to take over, they get beans taken out of their bean jar (another new thing we are going to start, in lieu of behavior charts). I am HOPING it will reduce the fights we have about what we play and who gets to pick and such. I may have to bump it up from 10 to 15 minutes each-we'll see.
But I will also be starting a 10-15 minute mommy time too so that they can learn to respect my time. I figure I will read a book or flip through a magazine during that time, and they need to either agree on something to play together or agree to play apart, and only bother me with an emergency during that time. I know it will not be easy at first, but they need to learn because they feel like I am at their beck and call 100% of the time.
I don't spend anytime with Bill until the girls are in bed. Not that it matters much-he comes home as we are starting to eat or during dinner, and then it is only usually an hour tops until they are headed to bed after that. It sucks, but we have accepted that it is what it is for right now.
IDK what else. This time of year is especially hard on us because of the weather. I feel trapped a lot, as do they. But we are trying!!! (it helps now that they are getting into the Barbie sized princess dolls and Barbies-I like playing with those things, lol)
