I am sure there are all kinds of variables but what I am asking is: Is an intact marriage better than one that is dissolved (from a child's perspective).
No I don't think they should stay married for the children's sake. I can see them having a good relationship and stay involved for the children's sake but stay MARRIED for the kids, nope, especially if the parents are not happy with eachother. Like I said, I've seen parents being heavily involved even after divorced and I think that's better. However, if things don't work out as planned it usually turns out ugly or whatever.... I would always hope that every parents can have a great communication and relationship for their kids sake. My parents did divorce and growing up it wasn't pretty but now my parents are always at every function and everything you can think of and I love it and it gives us the best relationship ever than before. I dont see them being married again, hell no, they are too different but they can handle being around eachother for a while just not a everyday basis for the rest of thier lives! lol
And I know that's not popular... but as a child of divorce, I can tell you that my parents were not good divorcees. My mom became hardened and inbittered (understandable so) and my dad became a mean drunk (he's not a drunk anymore, but he is VERY emotionally mean, which he never was before - to anyone, excluding the disgusting infidility.). When they were together, my dad was cheating the entire time. He hid it well, and my mom didn't even know until my dad made a run for it.
Now, as an adult, I would never want my mom to suffer a day in a marriage where she wasn't fully loved. But I can tell you that, as a child, no lie - my childhood suffered a shizload after their divorce. I always felt like we'd done my dad a favor and gave him an easy out from having to parent. But up until the day my father moved out, I never felt less than loved, and always thought my parents were great together.
I should make it super clear though that my parents NEVER fought in front of me, and we didn't learn about any of my father's bad traits until after he was already gone, so I'm sure that situation is extremely rare. My mom still won't let us talk bad about him, despite the fact that he's a total pos.
-- Edited by Cuppycake on Thursday 3rd of September 2009 05:07:02 PM
I voted no. I would guess that people's opinions on this will differ a lot based on our own life experiences.
I am not a child of divorce. (though there was a period of years I wished for that because I felt like it would have been better than what I was living with) I really have no idea what it is like to see your parents go through that, and I have no idea what it is like to deal with step parents and the like. I can only imagine that it is incredibly tough.
However, if a couple were truly in it ONLY for the kids, I don't think they are doing their children, or even more importantly, themselves, any service by staying together. I don't think it teaches the children about relationships, and I don't think the norm would be for the parents to be able to hide from the children that their parents share a loveless marriage. Maybe little kids, but certainly not as they get older. And we as parents deserve to have happiness and fulfillment in our own lives-I think that makes us better people and better parents.
But of course, that is in an ideal world, and nothing really ever goes that way, does it?
My parents were divorced. I, and my siblings, would have been much better off if my parents had stayed together, even if they didn't get along well. I see the difference in my kids. They are much better adjusted and can handle life much better than I was ever able to because they don't have chaos at home like both dh and I did as children. The difference is so hard to explain to others who have never seen it, but it's there and it's glaringly obvious to me.
My parents were divorced. I, and my siblings, would have been much better off if my parents had stayed together, even if they didn't get along well. I see the difference in my kids. They are much better adjusted and can handle life much better than I was ever able to because they don't have chaos at home like both dh and I did as children. The difference is so hard to explain to others who have never seen it, but it's there and it's glaringly obvious to me.
Alaina, I'm just curious.. Don't you think your children are much better adjusted because you and your hubby DO get along? Not simply because they live in a 2 parent home?
I see it as this. Those that did go through a divorce with their parents have no idea what or how it would have turned out if they stayed together. I mean kids are going to internalize it regardless. They will think it is them if you separate, and they will think it is them if you are fighting or have great stress in the house. I can speak from my own experience from when my parents separated. I ended up thinking less of my parents. I thought my Mom sacrificed a lot to stay together with my Dad and I feel that she was weak in not standing up for what she needed. In the long run they are still together and I love them both. I totally think that they would have been both better not married to one another. I may not have seen that as a child, but as an adult I do.
It is a pretty hard thing to call. I think in the long run you need to look at the behavior and what it is teaching your child. I personally want to show them what trust, love and unconditional are like. I think if you strictly stay together just for a child you are molding the way they will relate with others down the road in a emotional relationship.
There is no safe answer. However, I think both cause some emotional damage so to speak. I just think long term if the parents can learn to be adults when they are separated then it can work out great. I think the big issue to me is not the divorce, but how the adults/parents handle it and that is really what makes the difference in the child. If the child feels secure and loved, then it will not be as big of an issue if mom is here or dad is there. I usually see the biggest difference in the children who have parents that honestly work together to do what is best for the child. Sometimes people think the child wants you both together. Often if you ask the child that comes from a home with fighting, tension, verbal abuse then they often say I wish my parents would not ________fill in the blank. When you take away that issue then they can see the right way a person should be treated. The key is to make them feel safe and that they are both still the parent and nothing will change in that sense.
Again, this is my view and I am sure many do not agree. Dr. Laura thinks people should stay together no matter what the case my be. In the end who really knows.
My parents were divorced. I, and my siblings, would have been much better off if my parents had stayed together, even if they didn't get along well. I see the difference in my kids. They are much better adjusted and can handle life much better than I was ever able to because they don't have chaos at home like both dh and I did as children. The difference is so hard to explain to others who have never seen it, but it's there and it's glaringly obvious to me.
I would think the chaos is the key here. If your children are not living in the chaos you did. Then to me that is what is making the difference.
My parents stayed(or got back together) for the kids. My dad did leave then they got back together. I was probably 11 at the time. As a kid I knew there was no love there and wished they had stayed apart so from my experience I would say no.
I think it honestly misrepresents marriage to your child. I don't think that under any circumstances you should stay married just for the sake of your child period. Divorce is hard, yes. But with counseling and a mature attitude you can come out of it w/o scarring yourselves and your children. You can do it with the right guidance.
My parents were divorced. I, and my siblings, would have been much better off if my parents had stayed together, even if they didn't get along well. I see the difference in my kids. They are much better adjusted and can handle life much better than I was ever able to because they don't have chaos at home like both dh and I did as children. The difference is so hard to explain to others who have never seen it, but it's there and it's glaringly obvious to me.
Alaina, I'm just curious.. Don't you think your children are much better adjusted because you and your hubby DO get along? Not simply because they live in a 2 parent home?
No. My parents do get along. It was a huge lifestyle difference that separated them. They are polite to each other and are respectful of one another. But the effects of divorce are different than the effects of parents not getting along. Like I said, it's hard to explain, but the effect of divorce so obvious to me. It wasn't when I was growing up, but it is now.
Not to go all Dr. Phil on this (I have mixed feelings about him), but I once heard him say, "You have to earn your way out of a marriage." I liked that, the idea that, yes, there are times when divorce may be the right call for the family, but if you committed to each other, and especially if you have children, you have to do everything in your power to try to work on that relationship before you pull the plug. There is no "get out of jail free" card, so to speak, because divorce is so painful---you might as well do the work to try to avoid it, and if nothing else, that work will hopefully help make the divorce process (if necessary) less devastating.
I have a really dear friend who is struggling with this right now, as her husband has developed alcoholism, and she has finally had to separate from him in order to protect her kids and her sanity. It is so interesting, because in a way, her separation from him, along with her attendance at Al-Anon and her willingness to put up some good boundaries, is actually the best way for her in this moment to support the marriage. The way things were going, there was no hope that he would get any help, and without help, there was no chance. Who knows what the outcome will be now, but at the very least, she is able to build her own self-worth back up, and as importantly, keep her kids safe.
Not to go all Dr. Phil on this (I have mixed feelings about him), but I once heard him say, "You have to earn your way out of a marriage." I liked that, the idea that, yes, there are times when divorce may be the right call for the family, but if you committed to each other, and especially if you have children, you have to do everything in your power to try to work on that relationship before you pull the plug. There is no "get out of jail free" card, so to speak, because divorce is so painful---you might as well do the work to try to avoid it, and if nothing else, that work will hopefully help make the divorce process (if necessary) less devastating.
I have a really dear friend who is struggling with this right now, as her husband has developed alcoholism, and she has finally had to separate from him in order to protect her kids and her sanity. It is so interesting, because in a way, her separation from him, along with her attendance at Al-Anon and her willingness to put up some good boundaries, is actually the best way for her in this moment to support the marriage. The way things were going, there was no hope that he would get any help, and without help, there was no chance. Who knows what the outcome will be now, but at the very least, she is able to build her own self-worth back up, and as importantly, keep her kids safe.
Not surprisingly, I completely agree with this.
It's funny, because when I read Jennie's response...
But with counseling and a mature attitude you can come out of it w/o scarring yourselves and your children.
...I thought to myself, "when counseling and a mature attitude are present, I think many marriages can be saved".
My thoughts have definitely changed quite a bit. I don't think it's possible for anyone to come away from a divorce unscathed. Is the pain worth the freedom? Sometimes... but I would say more often than not, no.
Abuse of any kind is a different beast, in my mind. When I think of people who are "staying together for the children", I don't think of someone who is concerned about their safety, as the spouse of an addict would. Instead, I think of someone who is "just not feeling it anymore", and as a result, there is drama. And in those cases, I think counseling and a mature attitude make all the difference in the world.
JMO, as a previously divorced person with divorced parents.
given the large personal toll such an arrangement would take, i'd say no.
i think my folks stayed together for the kids. and after we were out of the house, my mom said she "could not afford" to divorce my dad. meaning, the lifestyle she was accustomed to would cease to exist and lots of long term issues (retirement) would become a nightmare.
i say this not because they fought (if they did, it was never in front of us) but because knowing my parents as they are individually, i do not understand how they ever stayed together *happily.* i think my dad was probably reasonably content with the arrangement but i have often thought my mom would have been much, much happier with a different person. it makes me sad for her in some ways, but dad is a good provider, so i suppose that helps temper the fact that they don't have a "relationship." they don't do things together, have no common interests, she likes to cuddle and laugh and he likes to watch tv without anyone interrupting his show.
i know one of my big problems with alex (aside from the cheating) was that he made me absolutely miserable. and being with him eventually put me in a foul, edgy mood. i recall thinking that i could not live my life that way forever. there was a time when i decided i was in it for corene, giving him a "trial run" in the dad dept and because i needed financial support to finish school, but after i crossed that barrier in my mind, every day was misery. its like going to a job you hate. everyday you dread it and wish you could find something better.
i think it would be impossible to live that way and not somehow impart that on your kids at some point (if you were in that arrangement for a prolonged period of years).
