Masterbation

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Masterbation

apies · Guru

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Who knew it could be such a hot topic
I was interested to find out what the general school of thought was. Have many of you watched Oprah and seen any of the shows that Dr. Laura the sex therapist has done on sex education with kids/teens? One of the things that has come up again and again was the whole topic of masterbation. How many parents cannot even say the word and never discuss it with their child.
Will you teach your child about masterbation?
Do you feel that it is right to educate them to use masterbation in replace of having sex? That they need to learn to make themselves feel good and do not need a man/boy for that?

Do you think it is wrong to tell them/inform them that masterbation is for pleasure or do you feel there is a right age to discuss this? Should it be something they figure out on their own?

interesting topic, melissa.

i saw the first show with dr. laura and then bits and pieces of the update one.

i will say that i was definitely one of those girls who sought approval from guys via messing around (my bio dad also abandoned us around age 13).

i do wonder if i had a different idea of sex and pleasure if i wouldn't have gone that route.

i think that i will teach my kids that it's ok to make themselves feel good in the privacy of their rooms, but i definitely don't expect them up there every afternoon taking care of business, lmao.

we have already had to start talking about body parts, etc, around here b/c i have a boy and a girl and they are already noticing that their bodies are different. we have been telling jake when he asks that he has a penis, which he calls his "menis" lmao!

emily was touching her private areas the other day and said, "mommy, i touch my penis" so i had to explain that she has a vagina, and boys have penises. but then i remembered dr. laura saying we should be teaching them vulva, not vagina, so i'm all screwed up.

kdrew · Guru

Oh God I just explained to Jack about his circumcision yesterday, I'm not ready for a masterbation talk.

Although my guess is that you don't really have to tell boys. I think they figure that out all on their own.

Girls on the other hand.....

muffy · Guru

i was an enthusiastic masturbator all along (well, certainly when i hit puberty *blush*) so i am in the teach the kids it is natural and wonderful camp!

i know that cecile like the shower head.... a lot.

and clara diddles herself often... gosh to i have a family of pervs or what? lmao.

timmy- he's a 13yo boy - need i say more?

so we are all good in our house.

this reminds me of a funny a few weeks ago when we were flying over to ohio... we were in the middle row - clara in the middle. she was laying with her head in my lap, feet in cecile's, chilling out watching her itouch. i was looking at whatever crappy movie they were playing on the big tv. i look down and realise that clara's sundress is hiked up to her chin, her undies pushed to the side and she was totally going at it.

omg i was mortified - i immediately got her covered up and she was all pissed off that i made her stop. i looked all around to see if there were any pervy passengers near us watching my daughter.

i.could.have.died!

Supafly · Guru

I have watched those shows also, and have talked to Bill about it. Needless to say, he does NOT want me teaching the girls to pleasure themselves. But as someone who also turned to male attention at way too young of an age because my own dad was awful to me, I think I would prefer that they be in control of their own bodies, know how to pleasure themselves and know they do NOT need to get that from a boy.

Not that sex is wrong, but I want them to know that they don't have to do anything with anyone in order to feel loved or pleasured. I don't expect they will wait on sex until marriage, but I want them to wait until they are sure they are with someone that they really do love.

So I am all for it-but even now, I have a hard time with the lingo. I gues it is just one of those things that when you see your own mom blushing about them, it makes it harder for you to say them!! I need to get over it and move on...

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Maybe I should learn how to spell it before I teach it

Can someone fix it? I am a moran after all :laugh:

muffy · Guru

i just wanted to add i am not going to specifically encourage my kids to masturbate or explain it in great lengths (i think they kinda know already) but what i do want to communicate to them is that it is a natural thing and it is fine to do so in a private setting. of course i told clara fairly sternly that her airplane antics were not appropriate - but i am not going to teach them that it is dirty or bad or anything like that...

that said - timmy did get a detailed condom explanation, including how to put it on a banana LOL - i knew that one of his school friends showed them one in the schoolyard, so i felt it time to give him a "proper" demonstration.

about 3 years ago timmy was listening to the divinyls "i touch myself" and of course he specificially asked me what the lyrics meant... so i had to give an age appropriate explanation lol!

birds and the bees.... fun times!

kdrew · Guru

OK so I've been thinking about this and I'll try to put it into words. I'm talking about daughters here.

I think when girls are young (high school) they don't have strong physical sexual urges like guys do.

I think it depends on their circumstances.

Like if they're in love with a boy, they'll want to be physical with him because of him, not because of an urge. Of course then they can learn to love it and have urges later.

I don't think teaching about masturbation would make a young teenage girl in love obstain from having sex with her boyfriend because for girls it's more mental.

Does that make sense at all? I'm not saying that there aren't girls that don't have strong sex drives at a young age but I think for the most part they don't NEED it like guys do.

Just like I don't think teaching abstinence is going to stop teens from having sex, I don't think teaching them about masturbating would either.

So I guess the answer is that I'm not going to go out of my way to teach my kids to be the master of their own domains in an effort to stop them from having sex.

I don't think that would work.

apies · Guru

kdrew, itu what you are saying and on some level, ita.

but when i think back on some of my first sexual encounters, they were more about feeling LIKED and getting approval. not necessarily about my feelings for that person.

i think my point is that i could have gotten that sense of feeling like and approval in other ways besides sexual activity if i didn't associate said activity with being approved of.

does that make sense?

i also think that there was a level of curiosity about sexual activity that made me want to do those things. if i had figured out how things would feel and how my body would react on my own, i wouldn't have needed those idiot guys touching me.

Supafly · Guru

kdrew wrote:

OK so I've been thinking about this and I'll try to put it into words. I'm talking about daughters here.

I think when girls are young (high school) they don't have strong physical sexual urges like guys do.

I think it depends on their circumstances.

Like if they're in love with a boy, they'll want to be physical with him because of him, not because of an urge. Of course then they can learn to love it and have urges later.

I don't think teaching about masturbation would make a young teenage girl in love obstain from having sex with her boyfriend because for girls it's more mental.

Does that make sense at all? I'm not saying that there aren't girls that don't have strong sex drives at a young age but I think for the most part they don't NEED it like guys do.

Just like I don't think teaching abstinence is going to stop teens from having sex, I don't think teaching them about masturbating would either.

So I guess the answer is that I'm not going to go out of my way to teach my kids to be the master of their own domains in an effort to stop them from having sex.

I don't think that would work.

I definitely agree with you that girls don't typically have those strong urges like boys do, and that teaching them about self pleasure doesn't stop them from wanting sex.

But as someone who misused sex in order to get the attention I desperately needed from the opposite sex (albeit in an unhealthy way), I want them to learn to be empowered within their own bodies AND minds. My hope is not that if they get can themselves off that they will avoid boys, but I *do* hope that if they know how to take care of themselves, coupled with us (hopefully) instilling a strong sense of self worth and confidence into them emotionally, that they will not just open themselves up to sex for any guy, kwim? I will support my girls no matter what happens to them, but I would never want for them to be in the position I was if I could help it.

I guess bottom line for me is that a lot of this is going to weigh heavily on Bill's shoulders too, in terms of giving them the strong daddy/daughter bonds that they need.

kdrew · Guru

apies wrote:

kdrew, itu what you are saying and on some level, ita.

but when i think back on some of my first sexual encounters, they were more about feeling LIKED and getting approval. not necessarily about my feelings for that person.

i think my point is that i could have gotten that sense of feeling like and approval in other ways besides sexual activity if i didn't associate said activity with being approved of.

does that make sense?

i also think that there was a level of curiosity about sexual activity that made me want to do those things. if i had figured out how things would feel and how my body would react on my own, i wouldn't have needed those idiot guys touching me.

I totally see what you're saying. The red can be lumped into my "it's more mental for girls" argument. I wasn't thinking of all angles when I wrote it.

Regarding the blue, for me that wouldn't have been the case. When I was a teen the excitement of it was having a guy touch me. But my experiences were good, maybe yours, or the guys, weren't so good.

IDK just thinking that teens are going to get together for all different kinds of reasons and for me personally, knowing how to do things to myself wouldn't have stopped me from wanting to get together with guys.

kdrew · Guru

Supafly wrote:

kdrew wrote:

OK so I've been thinking about this and I'll try to put it into words. I'm talking about daughters here.

I think when girls are young (high school) they don't have strong physical sexual urges like guys do.

I think it depends on their circumstances.

Like if they're in love with a boy, they'll want to be physical with him because of him, not because of an urge. Of course then they can learn to love it and have urges later.

I don't think teaching about masturbation would make a young teenage girl in love obstain from having sex with her boyfriend because for girls it's more mental.

Does that make sense at all? I'm not saying that there aren't girls that don't have strong sex drives at a young age but I think for the most part they don't NEED it like guys do.

Just like I don't think teaching abstinence is going to stop teens from having sex, I don't think teaching them about masturbating would either.

So I guess the answer is that I'm not going to go out of my way to teach my kids to be the master of their own domains in an effort to stop them from having sex.

I don't think that would work.

I definitely agree with you that girls don't typically have those strong urges like boys do, and that teaching them about self pleasure doesn't stop them from wanting sex.

But as someone who misused sex in order to get the attention I desperately needed from the opposite sex (albeit in an unhealthy way), I want them to learn to be empowered within their own bodies AND minds. My hope is not that if they get can themselves off that they will avoid boys, but I *do* hope that if they know how to take care of themselves, coupled with us (hopefully) instilling a strong sense of self worth and confidence into them emotionally, that they will not just open themselves up to sex for any guy, kwim? I will support my girls no matter what happens to them, but I would never want for them to be in the position I was if I could help it.

I guess bottom line for me is that a lot of this is going to weigh heavily on Bill's shoulders too, in terms of giving them the strong daddy/daughter bonds that they need.

I guess that's my argument right there. I think this is the answer, not teaching our girls to be able to please themselves.

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against self exploration, it's totally natural at any age, but I think that Dr. Laura thinking that it's going to replace sex is crazy talk.

Juanita · Guru

I've been thinking about this, because like pp's, I became sexually active at a very young age, and had an alcoholic father. Mine was purely motivated by the need to be liked, it was NOTHING sexual about it. I was seeking male attention, period. So, I don't think me masturbating would've made any difference at all in that area. It wasn't about finding pleasure sexually.

As far as the original question, I have no idea

I guess I'll cross that bridge when we get to it and pray for guidance.

supergrover · Guru

Side note:

Every single first year college student living in the residents halls hears about it at their opening floor meeting the night they move in.

We are blunt, we tell them most folks do it, but they should talk about their habits with their roomies to prevent some awkward and ridiculous roommate conflicts later on.

Doesn't matter. Three weeks later you have some red faced first year in your office trying to explain why they want to move. When you cut to the chase and ask how often their roommate is masturbating, they about want to die that we "figured out" the issue.

Every year.

In that area, I'm so glad my residents are juniors and seniors. They are a little more slick about it by then!

kdrew · Guru

supergrover wrote:

Side note:

Every single first year college student living in the residents halls hears about it at their opening floor meeting the night they move in.

We are blunt, we tell them most folks do it, but they should talk about their habits with their roomies to prevent some awkward and ridiculous roommate conflicts later on.

Doesn't matter. Three weeks later you have some red faced first year in your office trying to explain why they want to move. When you cut to the chase and ask how often their roommate is masturbating, they about want to die that we "figured out" the issue.

Every year.

In that area, I'm so glad my residents are juniors and seniors. They are a little more slick about it by then!

Again, I love your stories.

daisy · Guru

i never thought about "teaching my kids" how to masturbate.
i think it's something everyone figures out on their own, and they deserve this privacy.
i will definitely teach them, if they ask, that it's a natural process...but i dunno, i cant imagine it really coming up like that?
i never had to have a convo about it with my parents, kwim?

daisy · Guru

daisy wrote:

i never thought about "teaching my kids" how to masturbate.
i think it's something everyone figures out on their own, and they deserve this privacy.
i will definitely teach them, if they ask, that it's a natural process...but i dunno, i cant imagine it really coming up like that?
i never had to have a convo about it with my parents, kwim?

i should revise that - i know no one is saying they will be literally teaching their kids. lmao.

i just meant that i never really thought of it as a convo topic to have with parents.

if it ever is subject of discussion, i'll definitely be teaching them that self-exploration is a very natural thing and nothing to be embarrassed about.

but i dont expect it to deter them from sexual activity, and if they're anything like me, they'll never bring it up to us!!

CoffeeQueen · Guru

Ok, for those who have not heard Dr. Laura's advice on teaching teens about masturbation.

Here is a http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090326-tows-talking-to-kids-about-sex/12

Here are a couple of blurbs she said from the site

To teach your 15- or 16-year-old daughter the concept of pleasure, Dr. Berman recommends a product many mothers may not think of getting for their daughters—a clitoral vibrator. "I know it's controversial, but I can tell you giving them this kind of information makes them safer in the long run," Dr. Berman says.

Dr. Berman recommends a small vibrator. "I'm talking about something external for the clitoris," she says. "I'm not talking about things that go internally at all—[just] things that they can explore externally to arouse them."

"The reason I suggest a vibrator is because so many women and girls and adult women have a hard time reaching orgasm through self-stimulation alone," she says. "This is just a way to normalize it and normalize sexual exploration."

n the study, only 4 percent of girls say their beliefs about sex are mostly influenced by their mothers—this is your chance to change that statistic. "You are arming them with the information they need to make wise sexual decisions," Dr. Berman says. "You want to be their main sex educators—not their friends who are going to give them the misinformation that you don't want them to have."

"You need to start early, letting them know you're open to conversations, answering their questions without judgment," Dr. Berman says. "Tell them that information does not mean permission."

CoffeeQueen · Guru

daisy wrote:

daisy wrote:

i never thought about "teaching my kids" how to masturbate.
i think it's something everyone figures out on their own, and they deserve this privacy.
i will definitely teach them, if they ask, that it's a natural process...but i dunno, i cant imagine it really coming up like that?
i never had to have a convo about it with my parents, kwim?

i should revise that - i know no one is saying they will be literally teaching their kids. lmao.
i just meant that i never really thought of it as a convo topic to have with parents.
if it ever is subject of discussion, i'll definitely be teaching them that self-exploration is a very natural thing and nothing to be embarrassed about.
but i dont expect it to deter them from sexual activity, and if they're anything like me, they'll never bring it up to us!!

In my experience with middle school girls you cannot really wait to bring up sex until they ask. They are already being confronted with sexual material, suggestive behavior at this age. I am not sure many kids will ever bring up masturbation. I think that is the reason it is so taboo. They say so many parents cannot even say the word, let alone talk to their child openly about it.

They say the rule of thumb with sex talks is to not wait till they are asking. To arm them with the info before entering that stage so they are prepared and informed. Otherwise they will be googling, talking to friends.

I am not sure how I feel about the whole giving them a clitoral vibrator, but I wonder if by bringing up masturbation to your child you letting them know they are normal and then opening the subject up for them to ask other questions.

It is amazing what goes on these days and what really is going through kids minds when they reach this preteen/teen phase. I am always floored at the questions asked in human development classes. I think adults think they just know these things and that is not the case.

There is another whole school of thought out there to let things be and not to stir the bees next. Parents are worried that if they bring certain things up it will make them do it or give them info they did not even know about. I am pretty sure that they already have heard way more then most parents want to either admit or think.

I just was so curious as to what people felt on the whole subject. It was always just a joke when I was growing up and mainly only ever made jokes about males. I think women thought it was not something they should be doing and we all know women do, but for some reason it is so taboo still for women.

I do not think we have to teach them how to. I think that is natural, but to talk to them on why or what to do when they start to feel these things. That is what I really wonder if most parents are doing. I think most parents leave it up to the schools and just give very basic facts.

LucsMama · Senior Member

CoffeeQueen wrote:

Ok, for those who have not heard Dr. Laura's advice on teaching teens about masturbation.

Here is a http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090326-tows-talking-to-kids-about-sex/12

Here are a couple of blurbs she said from the site

To teach your 15- or 16-year-old daughter the concept of pleasure, Dr. Berman recommends a product many mothers may not think of getting for their daughters—a clitoral vibrator. "I know it's controversial, but I can tell you giving them this kind of information makes them safer in the long run," Dr. Berman says.

Dr. Berman recommends a small vibrator. "I'm talking about something external for the clitoris," she says. "I'm not talking about things that go internally at all—[just] things that they can explore externally to arouse them."

"The reason I suggest a vibrator is because so many women and girls and adult women have a hard time reaching orgasm through self-stimulation alone," she says. "This is just a way to normalize it and normalize sexual exploration."

n the study, only 4 percent of girls say their beliefs about sex are mostly influenced by their mothers—this is your chance to change that statistic. "You are arming them with the information they need to make wise sexual decisions," Dr. Berman says. "You want to be their main sex educators—not their friends who are going to give them the misinformation that you don't want them to have."

"You need to start early, letting them know you're open to conversations, answering their questions without judgment," Dr. Berman says. "Tell them that information does not mean permission."

I can see somewhat where she is coming from but oh my gosh... if my parents had given me a vibrator at 16... I WOULD HAVE DIED!!!