Taking charge of your self confidence

dorian · Senior Member

Taking charge of your self confidence

Erin · Guru

Dorian, I am afraid I will be watching this thread too. I used to have much higher self esteem, but these days, its pretty low. And it is awful. I am uncomfortable in my skin, and it has a detrimental impact on my career and my relationship.

The only thing I can think is that when I am running alot, I feel pretty powerful and accomplished. I have been sick for two weeks and my running has suffered, and its totally depressing me.

Also, surrounding myself with positive people that I KNOW dont give a crap about how pretty I am (not) or how thin I am (not) or how much I work. In other words, not competing. I just feel like in my profession, it is all about competition, even if people say it isnt, and its just nice to get totally away from that sometimes, you know?

apies · Guru

this is a really interesting topic that i'm going to have to think about.

it's funny b/c i definitely consider myself someone without much confidence, but i would never have guessed that dorian and erin consider themselves the same way - especially because i hold you both in such high regard.

i know that my lack of self-confidence prevents me from making friends and putting myself out there.

everything brings me down - thinking about how many times i yelled at my kids, looking at how dirty my floors are, thinking about the fact that i am up 12 pounds from june - seriously, everything makes me think that i cannot pull my shiz together.

i will be watching this thread to see if anyone has any ideas. b/c right now, i have none.

happylib · Guru

I think that for many women, including myself, this is hard. There are so many reasons for it. I think we get drawn in so many directions that it often becomes hard to do things as well as we would like. Sometimes things just seem barely up to par or as if the boat was missed entirely.

I also know for myself that some of the expectations I have of myself in regards to my home and family do not always make me feel accomplished or good, but instead frustrated and as if I never get anything accomplished. I like being a mom and wife but for example, I don't necessarily get much out of doing dishes because it seems like and endless and thankless job. When I had my son and was working I also felt that way at times about aspects of my teaching job.

What I am finding and trying very hard to do now, is to find something that gives back to me. I have projects and things I want to do and was not doing them because too many of the other things that don't really give me fulfillment were not done. I have started to think to myself, "screw that," and do some of those things I want to do. For me when I do that, the other things seem to fall into place better.

As for what those things are for me, they usually involve making or doing something that when I am finished I have something to show for it. Painting a room, cleaning out something (getting rid of stuff feels freeing to me), putting together a bookcase, gardening, or anything else that is somewhat concrete.

Dddiii · Guru

For as long as I can remember, I have had incredibly low self confidence.

When I was younger, people who didn't really know me would dispute that b/c I seemed to be so outgoing. The ones that did know me also knew the toll that took on me. Every word that escaped my lips or every action I took was later scrutinized. And how I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds because I couldn't help but to pick myself apart.

Back then, I did derive some self confidence from how I did in school and athletics. The problem with that is that you are not gaining that confidence from within, but rather from the kuddos you are receiving from your coach or the smile on your parent's faces when you bring home an A. It really had nothing to do with how I felt about my grades or accomplishments. It was all about how others viewed me.

This resulted in my constantly needing approval from anyone and everyone in order to feel any sort of confidence in myself, which leaves me where I am today. And with each role added in my life, it gets worse. Wife. "Am I a good wife in Mike's eyes? In his parent's eyes? No, I doubt it. So I suck". Mom. This one was the worst. Every little thing you do counts and therefore has to be judged. I don't have any confidence in myself as a mother and that damned well better change before this baby is born.

Anyway, a whole lot of words to say that I haven't found that thing to boost my self confidence yet. Unfortunately, the things that I think do boost it are not healthy. Getting on the scale and seeing I lost weight (been a long time since I've had that boost!). Having a clean house (only because I despise how awful and lazy a housekeeper I am).

I would love to sit in peace at the end of the day and be able to smile about how I lived my life. How I made others, even one person, smile or have a brighter day. How I've learned even one thing that will help me tomorrow. How I got through a whole day without feeling so angry that my insides shake. That I got through the whole day without feeling crappy about myself.

These are the things I would love to have boost my confidence. Unfortunately, being born a woman and a Virgo, it's a tough goal to achieve. But while these hormones are surging through my body, it may be a good time to sit back and find a way to find that kind of peace. I can't imagine what it would be life to live every day comfortable being 'me'. How wonderful.

-- Edited by Dddiii on Friday 7th of August 2009 09:44:55 AM

Supafly · Guru

This is such an interesting, and I think important, topic. And I offer huge hugs to all of you ladies who suffer from self esteem issues. It is so hard.

I feel odd about myself. I would not say that I have tremendously low self-esteem, but I am a fat ass and I can't seem to work that out to get to a point where I am not filling up with junk. IDK. I don't like what I see in the mirror (at least not from the next down), but then it doesn't make me feel like a bad person. But something is not right (dad issues, I guess) and it is holding me back so much.

When I was growing up, I felt the need for approval so strongly. I didn't get it at home, so I looked for it with guys and sex. But when I got pregnant, that changed everything. I had to face the realities of what my approval seeking had cost, and I had to take responsibility. I also had to face a lot of harsh criticism from my peers, since they all found out about it, and that really forced me to decide how much other people's opinions really mattered. It all started with that experience. And at that time, I found that if I listened and took to heart everything that people told me about me, I was just letting people poison me without justification. None of them really KNEW me or what I had gone through or how I arrived at my decision, kwim? At the time, I classified it as not caring what other people thought, but in truth, that is not what it is really about.

I came to realize that when other people feel the need to criticize me without justification, it is about them, and not me. Instead of internalizing what they have said about me, I tend now to look at them and try to figure out why they feel the need to lash out. (not that it happens much anymore) When I have had trouble with my SIL in the past, she would always come at me when she was going through hard times herself. Her own insecurities were always leading the verbal abuse I took from her.

It reminds me of the story of two men travelling and their encounter a leper who can't cross the river. One of the men carries the leper across, and then miles later, the other says he can't believe his friend carried the leper over the river, and the first man says, "I carried him across the river, but you have been carrying him all this time." Is that a Bible story??? Anyway, so often, people are carrying their own baggage and the things they say or do aren't really about you, but about themselves.

That has helped me a lot because I don't let many outside forces affect my internal dialogue, if that makes sense. Unfotunately, my dad still has power over me that I can't shake, and it makes me feel horrible listening so much to his input.

I will say though, I am a harsh critic of myself as a parent, and as a wife. I think my expectations are just too high, and I have a hard time being realistic in my goals and such for myself. I also tend to hold myself to the same standards I did before I was sick, and the fact is, my life just isn't the same anymore. I almost always have some side effect of some medication that interferes physically with my life, but I suck at letting myself actually lower the expectations and getting them to match up with my current situation.

Anyway, one thing that really helps me a lot in my mom issues is talking to the girls before bed everynight. Unlike Bill, who will just say goodnight and go away if they ask for me to do bedtime, I always stick around if they ask for him. They always want me to tuck them in last. And when I do, I am trying to pick out one thing about the day that made me happy or proud that involved them. Doing that has allowed me to put things more into perspective, and realize that it doesn't have to be major to make an impact, and that helps me to feel good about what I *did* accomplish that day, even if the logical side of me would say it wasn't much.

When I yell and I later realize I shouldn't have, I always say I am sorry and that mommies make mistakes too. (sometimes I think they deserved the yelling though, so I don't apologize, lol) That helps me-owning my mistakes and coming clean with the people I have wronged.

I am rambling on and on and on.

I think that I am negative when I feel like I have not lived up to my own expectations of myself, and I have not figured out a good way of combating that. The only thing I can do really is to lower my expectations, and that is tough.

As you all know, I struggle with my father. I can beat myself up over any little piece of advice I took from my dad because he has steered me wrong so many times in the past, yet I still look to him as a voice of reason sub-consciously. I think the only real help I am going to get with those issues is therapy. Aside from him, I don't often perceive negativity that I internalize, kwim? If I do, it is because *I* am not in a good place, and I tackle it from that aspect; getting more sleep, getting some exercise (a big one for me), reading a book I have been wanting to, chatting over drinks with Bill, leaving after dinner to go browse Target or whatever.

Ok, I really need to shut up. I do have a hard time hearing about all of these self confidence issues, because I think so so highly of all of you ladies, and I wish for you to feel the same way about yourselves. You all are amazing women-juggling so much, being wives, mothers, friends, daughters, sisters, employees, etc. We wear so many hats, it makes sense that some will fit better than others, but it isn't *your* fault that one of those hats doesn't always fit quite right all of the time, kwim?

-- Edited by Supafly on Friday 7th of August 2009 03:16:17 PM

Lizzy · Guru

If i can focus on my success and not my failures or just really trust my decisions, then i feel better about myself.

I have made tons of mistakes....but I think looking at them as learning makes me feel better. It has helped me figure out what I truly want. My dh always tells me not to make a decision out of fear. I am so fearful of new things....and the older I get, the more pronounced it becomes. I am very envious of anyone who can tackle new things and new places.

That is my goal...to try and live life more fully. i don't know if it is self confidence thing or just my general anxiety issues though.

Amy · Senior Member

I am so sorry to see so many of us struggle with this issue. I look at each of you here and see how amazing you are and I want to be just like each of you. You are so important to me and I wish you saw yourselves the way I do. You are beautiful and strong and smart and talented and loving and so very much more.

I have to admit that I have never had a good self image. It has never even been just OK. For a long time I thought who I was depended upon what other's (my dad) thought of me. I became a pleaser to a dangerous degree.

When I married I moved on to thinking my esteem came from what other's thought of my family or what my family thought of me.

Things seemed so bleak and hopeless that I stopped caring. I let myself go. I gained a hundred pounds and never even noticed. Why try when it's hopeless anyway was my motto. My entire existence was wrapped up in being a SAHM and wife. I lost myself. I became known as Sam's wife or Kelly’s mom. No one knew who Amy was anymore- not even me. I stopped doing, going, watching, learning, and thinking about things important to me. I stopped cooking foods I liked if only I would eat it. I gave up watching TV shows and listening to radio stations because no one else liked them. I gave up being myself until I forgot who I was.

When my dad died last fall I came to realize that I will never measure up to anyone’s standards. I will never have my dad’s approval. I also came to realize that it doesn’t matter what other people think of us. I finally realized that what really matters is what we think of ourselves.

Today, I am working on reclaiming my life. I am going where I want to go, doing what I want to do, reading, watching, learning, listening to what is of interest to me even if it is only to me.

While I dearly love my family, I want to be more than just someone’s appendage. I want to be someone who I am proud of, not someone who only worries about making others proud. I want to get to know who Amy really is and then introduce her to others. I have come to realize that I matter, even if only to myself, just as each of you matter so very much to me.

Supafly · Guru

Amy wrote:

I am so sorry to see so many of us struggle with this issue. I look at each of you here and see how amazing you are and I want to be just like each of you. You are so important to me and I wish you saw yourselves the way I do. You are beautiful and strong and smart and talented and loving and so very much more.

I have to admit that I have never had a good self image. It has never even been just OK. For a long time I thought who I was depended upon what other's (my dad) thought of me. I became a pleaser to a dangerous degree.

When I married I moved on to thinking my esteem came from what other's thought of my family or what my family thought of me.

Things seemed so bleak and hopeless that I stopped caring. I let myself go. I gained a hundred pounds and never even noticed. Why try when it's hopeless anyway was my motto. My entire existence was wrapped up in being a SAHM and wife. I lost myself. I became known as Sam's wife or Kelly’s mom. No one knew who Amy was anymore- not even me. I stopped doing, going, watching, learning, and thinking about things important to me. I stopped cooking foods I liked if only I would eat it. I gave up watching TV shows and listening to radio stations because no one else liked them. I gave up being myself until I forgot who I was.

When my dad died last fall I came to realize that I will never measure up to anyone’s standards. I will never have my dad’s approval. I also came to realize that it doesn’t matter what other people think of us. I finally realized that what really matters is what we think of ourselves.
Today, I am working on reclaiming my life. I am going where I want to go, doing what I want to do, reading, watching, learning, listening to what is of interest to me even if it is only to me.

While I dearly love my family, I want to be more than just someone’s appendage. I want to be someone who I am proud of, not someone who only worries about making others proud. I want to get to know who Amy really is and then introduce her to others. I have come to realize that I matter, even if only to myself, just as each of you matter so very much to me.

Wow Amy. That post was so wonderful, and I am moved so so much by it.

You are such an inspiration. And so right-what matters is what we think of ourselves.

I am so so glad you are my friend and that you are a part of our community here. We are all better because of it.

Amy · Senior Member

Supafly wrote:

Amy wrote:

I am so sorry to see so many of us struggle with this issue. I look at each of you here and see how amazing you are and I want to be just like each of you. You are so important to me and I wish you saw yourselves the way I do. You are beautiful and strong and smart and talented and loving and so very much more.

I have to admit that I have never had a good self image. It has never even been just OK. For a long time I thought who I was depended upon what other's (my dad) thought of me. I became a pleaser to a dangerous degree.

When I married I moved on to thinking my esteem came from what other's thought of my family or what my family thought of me.

Things seemed so bleak and hopeless that I stopped caring. I let myself go. I gained a hundred pounds and never even noticed. Why try when it's hopeless anyway was my motto. My entire existence was wrapped up in being a SAHM and wife. I lost myself. I became known as Sam's wife or Kelly’s mom. No one knew who Amy was anymore- not even me. I stopped doing, going, watching, learning, and thinking about things important to me. I stopped cooking foods I liked if only I would eat it. I gave up watching TV shows and listening to radio stations because no one else liked them. I gave up being myself until I forgot who I was.

When my dad died last fall I came to realize that I will never measure up to anyone’s standards. I will never have my dad’s approval. I also came to realize that it doesn’t matter what other people think of us.   I finally realized that what really matters is what we think of ourselves.
Today, I am working on reclaiming my life. I am going where I want to go, doing what I want to do, reading, watching, learning, listening to what is of interest to me even if it is only to me.

While I dearly love my family, I want to be more than just someone’s appendage. I want to be someone who I am proud of, not someone who only worries about making others proud. I want to get to know who Amy really is and then introduce her to others. I have come to realize that I matter, even if only to myself, just as each of you matter so very much to me.
Wow Amy. That post was so wonderful, and I am moved so so much by it.
You are such an inspiration.  And so right-what matters is what we think of ourselves.

I am so so glad you are my friend and that you are a part of our community here.  We are all better because of it.

Laura, I am the lucky one. I have learned so much these past (almost) 5 years. I really am better for the friendships we share. Each of you amazing ladies have touched my heart in some way and I appreciate you sharing your kindness and your willingness to include me in your lives.

Alyssa · Guru

Growing up, my cousin was the pretty one, my brother was the funny, popular one, and I was the smart one. It's how everyone saw us and I carried that into adulthood.

I remember crying in the car with my mom while planning my wedding because I could not understand why she was forcing me to have one. I didn't want people to look at me. My cousin was my maid of honor and I told my mom, it made no sense to waste money on a dress for me when I would be next to my cousin.

I still kind of feel that way about myself. I know EJ thinks I'm beautiful and sexy but I don't understand why. I ask him all the time. I think he loves me so much he's blind to the truth.

I don't think I'm a good mom. I try but I'm often stretched too thin and I snap at Ethan because of other things. (I was irritated at both work and EJ last night and Ethan just wanted my attention while I was cooking dinner and I totally went off on him. I immediately apologized.) I think I'm doing better in NY but I'm still not where I should be. And I worry some of my bad traits are rubbing off on Ethan. For example, he hates people looking at him.

The one area I used to be confident was in my work. I was total overachiever, always getting positive reviews and praise and promotions. And shockingly even though I was the deadline enforcer, people were really upset when I left my last job. The temp agency where I was last summer tried to hire me on prematurely (they had a set time limit before making permanent offers) to stop me from leaving. But the CEO where I work now is CRAZY. If she's in a good mood, you are great. If she's not, which is most of the time, you suck. Unfortunately, I'm the one that's supposed to move things along. I have to force her to make decisions. I get handed projects to implement. And then when she's in a mood, she "forgets" she told me to do something and then I'm in trouble for going out on my own. For not thinking things through. For wanting form over substance. So basically I suck. I know it's her--after all how can EVERYONE suck but her? and my direct boss is much much better about giving positive feedback. But still, getting berated most days of the week and hiding in your office the rest of the time doesn't make for a positive work environment or make you feel really good about yourself.

But if I accept that I can't change things and stop taking the lead, fine I won't get in trouble but I won't be proud of who I am. And I think that's more important. So I just keep taking the beatings because I'm hoping to retain a bit of who I was before we move.

sappy · Guru

apies wrote:

this is a really interesting topic that i'm going to have to think about.

it's funny b/c i definitely consider myself someone without much confidence, but i would never have guessed that dorian and erin consider themselves the same way - especially because i hold you both in such high regard.

i know that my lack of self-confidence prevents me from making friends and putting myself out there.

everything brings me down - thinking about how many times i yelled at my kids, looking at how dirty my floors are, thinking about the fact that i am up 12 pounds from june - seriously, everything makes me think that i cannot pull my shiz together.

i will be watching this thread to see if anyone has any ideas. b/c right now, i have none.

april,

what you said about dorian and erin i totally agree with - and i would add you to this list as well. i admire and respect so many of the women on this board and am surprised to hear they also struggle with low self esteem.

for me, my self esteem issues come mostly from my exterior (i'm too tall, really heavy, hate my skin/hair color, etc..). i hate that i let my feelings about my looks dictate so much of my life but haven't yet figured out how to change that - and THAT knowledge brings me down and makes me feel weak.

So in short, I don't have any advice/ideas for Dorian either but I want you all to know how much I admire you all.

happylib · Guru

Alyssa wrote:

Growing up, my cousin was the pretty one, my brother was the funny, popular one, and I was the smart one. It's how everyone saw us and I carried that into adulthood.

I remember crying in the car with my mom while planning my wedding because I could not understand why she was forcing me to have one. I didn't want people to look at me. My cousin was my maid of honor and I told my mom, it made no sense to waste money on a dress for me when I would be next to my cousin.

I still kind of feel that way about myself. I know EJ thinks I'm beautiful and sexy but I don't understand why. I ask him all the time. I think he loves me so much he's blind to the truth.

I don't think I'm a good mom. I try but I'm often stretched too thin and I snap at Ethan because of other things. (I was irritated at both work and EJ last night and Ethan just wanted my attention while I was cooking dinner and I totally went off on him. I immediately apologized.) I think I'm doing better in NY but I'm still not where I should be. And I worry some of my bad traits are rubbing off on Ethan. For example, he hates people looking at him.

The one area I used to be confident was in my work. I was total overachiever, always getting positive reviews and praise and promotions. And shockingly even though I was the deadline enforcer, people were really upset when I left my last job. The temp agency where I was last summer tried to hire me on prematurely (they had a set time limit before making permanent offers) to stop me from leaving. But the CEO where I work now is CRAZY. If she's in a good mood, you are great. If she's not, which is most of the time, you suck. Unfortunately, I'm the one that's supposed to move things along. I have to force her to make decisions. I get handed projects to implement. And then when she's in a mood, she "forgets" she told me to do something and then I'm in trouble for going out on my own. For not thinking things through. For wanting form over substance. So basically I suck. I know it's her--after all how can EVERYONE suck but her? and my direct boss is much much better about giving positive feedback. But still, getting berated most days of the week and hiding in your office the rest of the time doesn't make for a positive work environment or make you feel really good about yourself.

But if I accept that I can't change things and stop taking the lead, fine I won't get in trouble but I won't be proud of who I am. And I think that's more important. So I just keep taking the beatings because I'm hoping to retain a bit of who I was before we move.

Alyssa I am so sorry you are having to endure this at work! That is terrible. I hope that something changes soon so that either she is gone or another company makes you a great offer. As for Ethan, you can tell that you love him to enternity and back. He's a wonderful little boy and that is because you are a good mom.

Alyssa · Guru

happylib wrote:

Alyssa wrote:

Growing up, my cousin was the pretty one, my brother was the funny, popular one, and I was the smart one. It's how everyone saw us and I carried that into adulthood.

I remember crying in the car with my mom while planning my wedding because I could not understand why she was forcing me to have one. I didn't want people to look at me. My cousin was my maid of honor and I told my mom, it made no sense to waste money on a dress for me when I would be next to my cousin.

I still kind of feel that way about myself. I know EJ thinks I'm beautiful and sexy but I don't understand why. I ask him all the time. I think he loves me so much he's blind to the truth.

I don't think I'm a good mom. I try but I'm often stretched too thin and I snap at Ethan because of other things. (I was irritated at both work and EJ last night and Ethan just wanted my attention while I was cooking dinner and I totally went off on him. I immediately apologized.) I think I'm doing better in NY but I'm still not where I should be. And I worry some of my bad traits are rubbing off on Ethan. For example, he hates people looking at him.

The one area I used to be confident was in my work. I was total overachiever, always getting positive reviews and praise and promotions. And shockingly even though I was the deadline enforcer, people were really upset when I left my last job. The temp agency where I was last summer tried to hire me on prematurely (they had a set time limit before making permanent offers) to stop me from leaving. But the CEO where I work now is CRAZY. If she's in a good mood, you are great. If she's not, which is most of the time, you suck. Unfortunately, I'm the one that's supposed to move things along. I have to force her to make decisions. I get handed projects to implement. And then when she's in a mood, she "forgets" she told me to do something and then I'm in trouble for going out on my own. For not thinking things through. For wanting form over substance. So basically I suck. I know it's her--after all how can EVERYONE suck but her? and my direct boss is much much better about giving positive feedback. But still, getting berated most days of the week and hiding in your office the rest of the time doesn't make for a positive work environment or make you feel really good about yourself.

But if I accept that I can't change things and stop taking the lead, fine I won't get in trouble but I won't be proud of who I am. And I think that's more important. So I just keep taking the beatings because I'm hoping to retain a bit of who I was before we move.

Alyssa I am so sorry you are having to endure this at work! That is terrible. I hope that something changes soon so that either she is gone or another company makes you a great offer. As for Ethan, you can tell that you love him to enternity and back. He's a wonderful little boy and that is because you are a good mom.

Thank you for the kind words.

re: work, the CEO is also kind of the owner. It's not for profit and there is a board of directors but it's really a formality. Her parents bought the company 30+ years ago, her mom ran it until about a year and a half ago when she took over. What's funny is she knows her mom was a total tyrant that made people miserable and she has no idea that she's the same way.

It's a shame. The rest of the people are great and it's one of the few jobs in my industry around here. When she's away, I absolutely love it there.

apies · Guru

Dddiii wrote:

For as long as I can remember, I have had incredibly low self confidence.

When I was younger, people who didn't really know me would dispute that b/c I seemed to be so outgoing. The ones that did know me also knew the toll that took on me. Every word that escaped my lips or every action I took was later scrutinized. And how I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds because I couldn't help but to pick myself apart.

Back then, I did derive some self confidence from how I did in school and athletics. The problem with that is that you are not gaining that confidence from within, but rather from the kuddos you are receiving from your coach or the smile on your parent's faces when you bring home an A. It really had nothing to do with how I felt about my grades or accomplishments. It was all about how others viewed me.

This resulted in my constantly needing approval from anyone and everyone in order to feel any sort of confidence in myself, which leaves me where I am today. And with each role added in my life, it gets worse. Wife. "Am I a good wife in Mike's eyes? In his parent's eyes? No, I doubt it. So I suck". Mom. This one was the worst. Every little thing you do counts and therefore has to be judged. I don't have any confidence in myself as a mother and that damned well better change before this baby is born.

Anyway, a whole lot of words to say that I haven't found that thing to boost my self confidence yet. Unfortunately, the things that I think do boost it are not healthy. Getting on the scale and seeing I lost weight (been a long time since I've had that boost!). Having a clean house (only because I despise how awful and lazy a housekeeper I am).

I would love to sit in peace at the end of the day and be able to smile about how I lived my life. How I made others, even one person, smile or have a brighter day. How I've learned even one thing that will help me tomorrow. How I got through a whole day without feeling so angry that my insides shake. That I got through the whole day without feeling crappy about myself.

These are the things I would love to have boost my confidence. Unfortunately, being born a woman and a Virgo, it's a tough goal to achieve. But while these hormones are surging through my body, it may be a good time to sit back and find a way to find that kind of peace. I can't imagine what it would be life to live every day comfortable being 'me'. How wonderful.

-- Edited by Dddiii on Friday 7th of August 2009 09:44:55 AM

omg, diane.

i am just getting back to reading this thread and your post actually gave me the chills.

i could have typed every word of this. it's like you were in my head.

doh

:hug:

FoxyRoxy · Guru

wow... something to really think...

I think most people do consider that I have self confidence and I think it has to do with my family. We are a very close family (two brothers and me) and when one of my brothers decided to used drugs we really stuck together. While most families can be torn apart, mine decided to (even if they were suffering) maintain simple activities like girls scout, dancing lessons and Disney. While my parents deal with rehab and courts we keep on going to volleyball practices. And while I knew there were very tense moments, we use to enjoy the simple things of family life. That made me mature at a very young age.

I have always struggle with weight but it wasn't an issue until my college years. Then I met DH and he made me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth. Even now when I keep saying that I look like a whale he says that I'm too hard on myself. I think I'm very hard on myself but I do believe that I need to be. I'm the motherly figure to most of my friends because I tend to see all the angles. And I know I'm hard on my boys but I want them to feel good about themselves and fight for what they want in life.

I totally relate to what Amy says. When my father died there was a click on me. I was (and still am) devastated. I was just letting it go. I gain weight and stop caring for me. I blame my back pain for everything. And while I understood that it was part of the grieving I think my dad would be mad if I keep going like this.

My boys start school on Monday. All of them. So I decided that Monday is going to be great day to do some changes. I'll be starting some exercise (can do much yet because of my back), i'll start to eat better and I'll do my "Goal setting list". I always work with lists. For example, I want to read 5 books by the end of the year, I want to lose 15 pounds by November among other things. I want to do focus on reaching a goal and by doing it I'll be taking care of me and feeling like I'm a better mother and wife.

wooo... I think this is one of the longest post i have ever type...

ineedcoffee · Senior Member

Wow Dorian, get out of my brain wink

I struggle with self confidence horribly. I have been feeling awful lately about myself, my mothering skills, my attentiveness to my family, you name it.

What I am starting to realize is that it shouldn't matter what other people think about me. What is important is what I think about myself. I have been working on an inventory of myself. What parts of me do I like, as well as which ones I don't like. Which leads into what can I change and what must I accept and learn to like.

I want to be beautiful, smart, funny, likeable. These are not attributes I see in myself. So, I am working on it.

Am I getting anywhere? No, but at least I am looking into it right?

mctex · Guru

I feel like some years ago, I could've written a lot of what I've seen written here. A LOT of it. I'm sorry to see any of you feeling badly... you are all amazing women -- every single one of you. I understand what it's like to struggle with self-confidence... I think it's only within the last year or so to where I'd say mine is ok, most of the time.

Erin, I think you expressed what I feel has made all of the difference for me -- I've really tried to lose competitiveness. For me, the first step in the process was to realize that it is impossible to have/be it all -- no one does. I've been very fortunate in that I have become close to a lot of people who would appear to anyone they meet that they are "super-together"... but once you peel back the onion, you can quickly see that's not the case. We're all human, with the same set of emotions and emotional triggers... some of us are just more walled off than others.

So when you accept that you can't be/have it all, it frees you up to focus on choosing the things that you do want to be -- and to recognize that those who appear to have those things that you do not have simply made different choices. That's all it is, choices... so there's no reason to allow someone else to make you feel insecure when in the end, they've simply made different choices reflecting different values.

The other thing that I've come to realize is that people tend to like or dislike others based upon how others make them feel about themselves -- meaning that a person only owns a part of whether or not someone likes or dislikes them. Chances are, if someone is reacting poorly to you, it is because you are triggering their own insecurities (if it's even about you at all) -- not because of who you actually are. The best that any of us can do is to try to be sensitive when the person in question is someone important to us, but we can't fix their issues -- and we certainly shouldn't take them on as some sort of reflection of ourselves.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense. I'm sorry to see any of you struggling with this... you shouldn't be.

(and totally OT, but OMG, I just saw this emoticon

LOL!)

Erin · Guru

I can totally relate to things everyone has said. I just wanted to add that as a mother, the part that scares me more than anything is passing on my "issues" to my daughter. That (sometimes) helps me keep myself in check, knowing that she sees me when I try on everything in my closet and cry "I hate my clothes and Im so effin fat!!!" and she also watches me get on the scale and hears me stressing about things. In order to shield her from that stuff, I just try and portray confidence. The funny thing about pretending to be confident, is that sometimes it works. I praise her for being smart and caring and beautiful on the inside and out, and I try and live up to that. I think the same thing works for boy kids. Teaching them to be confident can be a great way to be confident ourselves.

gogona · Guru

mctex wrote:

I feel like some years ago, I could've written a lot of what I've seen written here. A LOT of it. I'm sorry to see any of you feeling badly... you are all amazing women -- every single one of you. I understand what it's like to struggle with self-confidence... I think it's only within the last year or so to where I'd say mine is ok, most of the time.

Erin, I think you expressed what I feel has made all of the difference for me -- I've really tried to lose competitiveness. For me, the first step in the process was to realize that it is impossible to have/be it all -- no one does. I've been very fortunate in that I have become close to a lot of people who would appear to anyone they meet that they are "super-together"... but once you peel back the onion, you can quickly see that's not the case. We're all human, with the same set of emotions and emotional triggers... some of us are just more walled off than others.

So when you accept that you can't be/have it all, it frees you up to focus on choosing the things that you do want to be -- and to recognize that those who appear to have those things that you do not have simply made different choices. That's all it is, choices... so there's no reason to allow someone else to make you feel insecure when in the end, they've simply made different choices reflecting different values.

The other thing that I've come to realize is that people tend to like or dislike others based upon how others make them feel about themselves -- meaning that a person only owns a part of whether or not someone likes or dislikes them. Chances are, if someone is reacting poorly to you, it is because you are triggering their own insecurities (if it's even about you at all) -- not because of who you actually are. The best that any of us can do is to try to be sensitive when the person in question is someone important to us, but we can't fix their issues -- and we certainly shouldn't take them on as some sort of reflection of ourselves.

Anyway, I hope this makes sense. I'm sorry to see any of you struggling with this... you shouldn't be.

(and totally OT, but OMG, I just saw this emoticon LOL!)

Texx, wow I never thought of the bold that way but it totally makes sense and I agree with the rest of your post also. I ever read your post to DH

-- Edited by gogona on Sunday 9th of August 2009 02:29:12 AM